


Send Your Lifeboats Out For Me

by Crowdog



Series: Send Your Lifeboats Out For Me [1]
Category: TMNT (2007), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anatomically Correct Turtle Private Parts, Angst, Borderline Genital Mutilation, Dark, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established OT3, Fear of Discovery, Flashbacks, Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Leo, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mental Health Issues, Multi, No Rape/Non-con Between Turtles, POV Third Person Limited, Panic Attacks, Permanent Injury, Protective Younger Siblings Assemble, Rape Recovery, Secret Relationship, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn OT4, Smut, T-Cest, Triggers, Turtlecest (TMNT), do not copy to other sites
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-19 08:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 80,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20206801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowdog/pseuds/Crowdog
Summary: Leadership training, in a jungle, alone, because that’s a set of circumstances that will make a better leader. What if Leo was sent away for a different reason? What if he was sent away to heal under the guise of “leadership training”? A year and eleven months ago Leo started acting strange. A year and nine months ago he was sent to Central America. A year and three months ago he was supposed to come home. A year ago he stopped writing. Two weeks ago he returned.Now Leo’s back and his brothers question how he will fit into their lives now that he’s home and whether they should try and integrate him into their relationship. The only problem is the brother that left for training wasn’t the brother that returned, and now the story of why Leo was sent to Central America isn’t as cut and dry as they previously thought.(A prequel and sequel to the events in TMNT 07 Movie)TMNT Adult Fanfiction Competition 20191st Place in “Most Thought-Provoking” [Badge art by Plastron]1st Place in “Most Heartbreaking Tragedy” [Badge art by Oasis]Tied for 1st Place in “Best Dark Fiction” [Badge art by Oasis]





	1. Stage 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
  


_ Sing out, sing out _

_ The silence only eats us from the inside up _

_ I meant no harm _

_ But I only get to say these words too late _

[“Lifeboats” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzRf5HOTu6U)\- Snow Patrol

* * *

**-Denial-**

* * *

It was hailing, over his head the sound of pennies on a metal roof. The sound by itself wasn’t the issue, Leo could cope with a little hail and harsh winds, what he couldn’t cope with was the fact that he really had overdone it.

He woke up earlier than usual that morning, he had felt off. His sheets were soaked in sweat and the first thing he did was drag himself into the bathroom. He cupped his hands under the faucet and drank the water out of the tap he was so parched. Now, if he ever saw Mikey or Raph doing that, he’d admonish them, tell them to get a glass, they weren’t animals.

Then Donnie would pipe up and say. “Well, technically Leo-” and he would have to amend his statement to something else, because animal or not, hands are not a valid means of getting liquid into one’s mouth.

It wasn’t like they were living in a jungle.

His head throbbed painfully and he felt a twinge of nausea stab through his guts. Not enough to actually bring anything up, just enough to sit on his mind and whisper a thinly veiled promise of reuniting him with his lunch. The hail was becoming louder than the thunder.

They had breakfast and everything was fine, he was still feeling bad, but not bad enough to do _ something _. It wasn’t even worth mentioning to anyone. It could easily have been a case of sleeping with too many covers and not waking up to remove them. When he breezed through training with only a slight headache, the idea that he was sick died and he moved on with his day. When lunch came it was obvious from the way his brothers were acting that they didn’t want him around.

It hurt, when they asked if he was going to visit April, or go for a run. Maybe meditate with their father or train by himself. He wasn’t obtuse, he knew over the years, as they approach their twenties, that his three younger siblings had more in common.

Leo didn’t know whether they had become closer, or if he became more distant. He had responsibilities, he didn’t have as much free time as they did. He didn’t mean to not be around, it just happened that way.

When he started to make an effort to be closer to them, join Mikey when he played video games (even if he was really bad at them), offer to see Raph’s current motorcycle, or maybe just hang out with Donnie in his lab...they would be busy.

They didn’t need a big brother anymore, they weren’t kids. They needed a leader though, he could do that at least.

So he took the hint after lunch, even though he wanted to do nothing but watch TV. Something dumb and easy to follow because his head still ached. He acted like he didn’t see it in their eyes, in how they held themselves and looked at him. He told them he was going for a run through the sewers.

The sewers became suffocating and he started feeling light headed so he went to the surface, deciding to run topside.

“Idiot,” he muttered to himself, his teeth were vibrating and his head was hot. It wasn’t fair that he could be shivering and sweating bullets at the same time. A gust of wind blew a mist of cold water on him and he pressed himself closer to the building, further under the metal overhang.

When it started to rain, it felt nice, it was in the mid fifties temperature wise and the cool rain on his head and shoulders was a relief. Then the rain turned into a downpour, and the downpour brought thunder. He was far away from home, a two hour run away to be exact. Even longer if he went through the sewers because down there it was a maze.

Then the hail came, the size of marbles and he was forced to take cover under this metal overhang. He could weather the weather, the hail would eventually let up and he could admit defeat then. He could crawl into the sewers and resign himself to a long walk back home, just as long as nothing else went wrong that evening.

Of course, that’s when he hears the muffled screaming coming from the floor below.

Of course the overhang he was under was the little sheltered area with the roof access door just conveniently there, practically beckoning him into a fight.

“Looks like I found some company tonight after all,” he quipped, pulling his lock picks from his belt with shaking fingers.

~o~0~o~

He knocked on the door.

Best case scenario, they would bail out the window, Leo would pick the lock, release the victim, most likely be attacked by the victim for being a monster, then he would make his exit.

Worst case scenario they answer the door and Leo punches a few people, ties them up, makes an anonymous call to the police after the victim flees in horror and then he makes his exit.

Sadly for them, they answered. 

It was an unfair fight, he broke the first man’s nose and before the second man could raise the gun he had unsafely tucked in the front of his jeans. Leo grabbed it out of his hand and threw it down the hall. He hit a pressure point on the man’s neck and sent him to the floor tangled up with the first man.

What shocked Leo was the set up, it wasn’t his first time stopping a rape. Usually, due to the sensitivity of the scene, it was Donnie and Leo who would intervene. Raph had issues controlling his temper, and while rapists were scum, murdering them wasn’t justice.

As for Mikey, he was too sensitive for it. Not that they sheltered him from it completely, but there was a big difference between knowing what goes bump in the night, and seeing it.

This was a more involved set up, they had a room. This wasn’t some back alley or parked car, this was a bed, with a young man tied down to it. He was crying and pulling at the ropes that pinned him to the metal bed frame. Leo only paused for a fraction of a second, mostly to hide his shock that this was a man, he had expected a woman. As he approached the bed the man struggled harder, making the frame rattle.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Leo said calmly, voice a little scratchy. “I’m here to save you.” He soothed quietly, raising his hands and moving slowly. The man had duct tape over his mouth and as Leo started to cut away the rope the man lets out a guttural scream. “It’s okay-” he tried to say before he felt a horrible pain in the back of his head and the world went dark.

~o~0~o~

He stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door. His legs finally give out and he hit the rug in front of the shower so hard it sent a shock wave up his spine, he grunted out in pain before he could stop himself.

That was when Donnie knocked and he quickly stood up gasping silently. “Leo, you alright?” his brother asked quietly.

Leo had arrived home late, too late, slipping past Mikey who was passed out on the couch was easy, even in his current state. “Yeah,” he said, and to his own relief his voice sounded steady. “I just stubbed my toe is all, I’m about to take a shower, you’ll have to use the other bathroom”. Before any more questions could be tossed at him he cranked the shower on. The sound of the water hitting the inside of the curtain made his stomach twist and his heart thump painfully fast.

He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed the sink. _This is so stupid, someone just put the shower head back up wrong_, he told himself. He reached his hand into the shower and pointed the nozzle away from the curtain and more into the tub. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

The hot water didn’t take away the shaking, it didn’t make his stomach feel like it wasn’t stuffed with glass shards. Reluctantly, he slid his hand between his legs to inspect the damage, the first prod of his limp unmoving tail sent him buckling over. The water splashed off his shell and hit the the shower curtain and he flinched away, too fast, he lost his balance and fell. It was dumb turtle luck that he took every partially filled bottle of Master Splinters’ shampoo with him in a vain attempt at catching himself.

“Leo!?” the voice of the last person he wanted to bust down the door to see him shaking, holding his broken tail and freaking out over loud noises, said.

“It’s fine Raph, j-just slipped,” his voice betrayed him.

“Open this door right now!” Raph said rattling the locked doorknob.

Leo tried to sit up but he was shaking hard, too hard to even crawl out of the tub if he wanted to. _Shit_ he cursed to himself.

“Just give me a second!” he called out over the spray of water flooding over him. At least this water was warm and welcoming. He took a deep inhale of the humid air. There was no way he was getting out of the situation with his dignity completely intact.

Raph rattled the handle again. “Dammit, I’m going to count to ten,” he warned.

The problem was his broken tail, which he, like his brothers, kept tucked up tight against their shells, wasn’t moving on it’s own. It was the biggest embarrassment about walking into the lair, his tail was just hanging down for the whole world to see.

“One.”

It stayed in whatever position he placed it in though, they didn’t need to actively clench their tails up against themselves. They just had to not move them once they tucked them up.

“Two.”

That was a positive, it protected their cloaca’s opening. A discreet horizontal slit just below the base of the inside of his tail. Unlike other reptiles that just had their discreet slit exposed to the world. All he had to do was tuck his tail up manually. That was it. A quick motion and it would be over.

“Three.”

_Touching my tail is what got me into this mess,_ he remembered. That one little prod had sent him buckling over, admittedly the thought of moving his broken tail made him cringe.

“Four.”

Luckily the water had cleaned off most of the blood, he quickly ran his wet hands over the areas that still had any remaining. Really, even though he had six seconds to spare, he was procrastinating on touching his tail at all.

“Five.”

The blood was gone.

“Six.”

He gently gripped the outside of his tail and a small noise escaped the back of his throat.

“Seven.”

He never heard eight.

~o~0~o~

There was a dull throb at the base of his spine, it almost matched his heart rate and every time it felt like a thick needle was being threaded up his tail bone. He felt himself twitching, involuntarily, the pain was shooting through his whole body, moving the thin sheet that was draped over him.

“Why is his leg twitching like that?” Mikey’s voice asked.

Someone placed something cool and wet on his head and if he had the strength he would have sung his praises to them. Instead he let the relief flood through his boiling skull and the chill run through his body.

“He’s very sick,” Donnie said. “Extremely ill actually.”

“With what?”

“I don’t know, but right now we need to break this fever,” Donnie said. He removed the wonderful wet cloth from his head and Leo wanted to moan out, or lift his hand and take it back. Didn’t this person realize how badly he needed that rag? “His leg twitching while he sleeps is the least of our problems,” he said over the noise of something being submerged in water and squeezed out from somewhere on the floor. “Leo might have already been ill before his run.” The rag, colder now, returned and Leo’s tune about the rag bringer and denier went back into the positive. “He likely got caught in the downpour, which made things worse.''

“Oh,” Mikey said. “Yeah figures Leo would ignore his own body and go out for a run when he isn’t feeling well,” a hand rested on Leo’s knee, his twitching knee. “Man are you sure that twitching is normal?”

At this Leo finally found enough strength to crack his eyes open.

“Hey Leo,” Donnie said, taking the amazing rag away and securing the title of worst brother to ever exist.

“Oh my god, Donnie it you don’t put the rag back he’s going to break,” Mikey said gently squeezing Leo’s knee and gesturing to his face. 

Donnie squeezed the rag out and folded it before placing it back on Leo’s scalding forehead, earning him the title of best brother in the entire universe. “There, now stop having a fever and the rag will last longer,” he said quietly.

It was the last thing he heard before closing his eyes again and letting himself fall into uneasy rest.

~o~0~o~

When he woke up again, someone else was snoring. _How sick am I?_ he asked nobody because the answer was clear. If someone was in the room with him he was very ill. His head felt better, other areas of him felt just as bad or even worse, and now mother nature was calling.

He took a shaky inhale. There was a slight oversight in his whole tucking his tail up and taking it from there approach.

Eventually, no, inevitably, he would have to do what they all do and use the restroom. He would have to move his tail, it was four in the morning. The lair was literally full of ninjas, there was no way he was going to be able to let a single yelp out. He wasn’t even sure what happened after he passed out in the shower, he just knew he had been successful in hiding it for the first time.

Now just for all the times afterwards. 

He sat up and then quickly laid back down. Sitting was going to be off the table for a while it seemed, but at least he learned that while being alone, not in front of prying eyes. Laying back down, trying to even out his breathing he noticed the glass of water on his nightstand and gulped it down greedily.

Swallowing hurt, he probably had little to no voice, not that he was going to test that theory before trying to not sob on the toilet in two minutes.

Standing up caused the floor of his room to wobble up and down, he stumbled over to the door and braced himself against it. Fatigued and weak he opened the door and slipped into the hall. It was dumb luck that Mikey was the one sleeping on his floor and not Raph or Donnie. They would have woken up, and he didn’t need anyone’s pitying glances right then.

Lowering himself on the toilet wasn’t great either, the rising dread of what he had to do just to go to the bathroom made his hands shake. The very existence of his broken tail was painful, forcefully straightening it out would be hell.

He lowered his hand between his legs again, gently, barely even touching his tail. Two things were very uncomfortable, his full bladder and his tender to the touch tail.

“Just one quick motion” he whispered to himself. He was glad he locked the bathroom door but it would do him little good if he passed out, pissed himself and was found by his brothers. 

A last second thought crossed his mind to grab his toothbrush off the sink, it was in arms reach at least. He put the handle in his mouth and bit down. “Come on,” he muttered around the handle.

He gripped the edge of the sink with one hand and grabbed his tail, for a second it wasn’t his hand, it was Snake’s hand, retching his tail back breaking it. Violently he removed his hand.

He couldn’t breathe. _He’s dead, I killed him, he’s dead,_ he tried to think but he couldn’t stop sucking in air, it burned his throat, his head throb the edges of his vision were going dark. _Don’t pass out, don’t pass out, shit,_ he scolded himself.

_Snake was laughing in his ear, "that’s right freak, beg!" he twisted his tail to the side and another wet crunch was barely heard before Leo screamed louder than he ever had in his life._

Something hot and warm trickled over his tail and he instinctively tried to clamp the muscles in his groin down. He was wetting himself, he realized unable to clamp off the stream dribbling out of him.

At least he was on the toilet.

His cheeks burned with embarrassment, but this was probably the best place in the world to piss all over his own tail. The pressure in his bladder draining almost made it okay, _how the hell is pissing yourself acceptable? How weak and useless are you?_ he snapped at himself.

Cleaning himself up was still going to require moving his tail.

“Bladder one, dignity zero,” he sighed.

~o~0~o~

The next few days were agonizing, his voice wouldn’t rise much above a harsh whisper and his fever persisted. He was drinking water, lots of water, which was leading to more very painful moments in the bathroom. Regardless of whether or not he managed to move his tail before his bladder just couldn’t take it anymore, he still had to move his tail. Every time it hurt, every time he had to spend five minutes just breathing.

It was worse when he has to pass a mixture of something more solid, the pressure passing through his slit, the torn up muscles being rubbed.

He sobs during those, silently, he let the tears fall down and he grabbed the edge of the sink with a death grip. Gasping for air and praying to every God in all the religions of the world that no one would hear him. Luckily nobody had ever interrupted him during those times. If they did, there would be no way he would be able to answer with a steady voice.

“How are you feeling, man?” Raph asked, trading shifts with Donnie a week and a half into his illness. He didn’t like this, all the attention, he wanted them to leave him alone.

It wasn't like they ever want to spend time with him when he’s not sick, it was starting to get on his nerves, the hoovering.

Raph grimaced at his lack of reaction, Leo wondered if he had zoned out for a few seconds. It must be the bug he caught, fogging up his brain. “I brought you some water, you need to drink it.”

He wanted to tell Raph to get out, technically he could go days without water, but his brothers were persistent, he was taking a piss four or five times a day. It just translated to more misery. Painfully he rolled over onto his side so he was facing the wall. All he wanted to do was sleep, he was exhausted.

His stomach clenched painfully.

He was starving too but there was a direct correlation between anything solid and those horrible bathroom sessions.

The side of the bed lowered as Raph sat down, their carapaces touched, only separated by the maroon quilt Leo was tucked under. “Well I ain’t movin' until you drink something, Donnie and Mikey said you haven’t had a drop of liquid all day.”

Leo sighed, pulled the covers over his head. _You’re pathetic_ he berated himself, _scared of going to the bathroom?_

“Come on man…” Raph lightly punched his shell and Leo jutted, not expecting the sudden vibration in his spine. Then he held his breath because Raph wasn’t saying anything and he could feel his brother’s hazel brown eyes studying him.

“Orange juice,” he croaked out. If he had to drink something, might as well have some calories. He turned his head to see Raph looking at him with concern.

For whatever reason Raph nodded begrudgingly, and in a blink of an eye Leo felt a nudge on his shoulder. “Here,” he said, he was standing up holding the orange juice. 

He blinked, he figured he fell asleep in the time Raph went to pour him a glass of orange juice. “Nightstand.” He whispered but Raph shook his head.

“Yeah, that’s where glasses of water go to be ignored,” he huffed. “C’mon, sit up, have a few sips and I’ll leave you alone like you so obviously want.”

_Guess he has a brain after all_ Leo thought bitterly. There was just one problem, he couldn’t sit up, he could lay flat or stand or be in any position that did not put pressure on his rear end. Of course, there was no way to explain any of that. There was no way he could explain what had happened.

Nothing happened.

That’s what happened.

“Leo.” Raph said again, “Dude.” he gestured to the glass in his hand. “I can guarantee you, I am more stubborn than you, I ain’t gonna stop bugging you until you drink this orange juice.”

_This is pathetic_, he cringed at Raph’s words.

“I can’t believe I’d ever have to force some common sense into you.”

_I can’t even sit_

“Don’t make me force this down your throat.”

Those words made his breath hitch, he quickly stood up, in one fluid motion he went from laying down to standing, his maroon blanket pooled on the floor at his feet. He wobbled a little and his vision went out for a few moments, he steadied himself on the nightstand.

Raph placed a steadying hand on his shoulder, “Whoa Leo-”

He smacked Raph’s hand away and took the orange juice, somehow didn’t spill a single drop and downed the whole glass before handing it back to Raph. They had a brief stare down, Leo’s face pinched in anger, Raph’s sketched in concern. It made him even angrier seeing that expression so he brushed past his brother towards the hall.

“Where you going?” Raph asked.

Leo stopped, held onto the door frame while grinding his teeth together. “The bathroom,” he croaked out, then he looked over his shoulder. “Do you need to see that as well?”

No one bothered him the rest of the day.

~o~0~o~

Two weeks. It had taken two weeks for his cold to pass. Leo forced things to go back to normal, but for whatever reason that night wouldn’t leave him alone. Part of him wasn’t sure it even happened. Then he would go to the bathroom, try to move his tail down and receive a throbbing ache before moving it himself.

Even with the broken tail it was like his mind was trying to erase all evidence of the night. He felt like he was going crazy, had he even left the sewers that day? Maybe his mind fabricated the whole thing? Why?

There were other things he couldn’t explain, but sounds were louder. A pot of boiling water was louder than the voices on TV, footsteps were like thunder while the voice of his father right in front of him sounded miles away.

He couldn’t concentrate, he wondered if this was like what Mikey had. ADHD or something. Could he even develop ADHD seemingly out of nowhere?

“Leonardo,” his father said. “Is there something on your mind?”

They were in the Dojo, when had they gone from the breakfast table to the dojo? His brothers were paused in their starting positions for a kata. He was just standing there, his arms felt like lead. His brothers were staring at him, two sets of hazel brown eyes and one set of blue. What was wrong with him?

“Leonardo?” his father said, tapping him lightly on the forehead with his staff.

He jutted back, not in pain but because he was legitimately startled. When did he start zoning out like this. Why couldn’t he stop? His brothers chuckled and then stopped when their father’s eyes and staff turned their direction.

“S-Sorry Sensei,” Leo said, he recognized the kata starting position in his brothers and took it. “I must have gotten distracted.”

The rat studied him for a moment but dropped it, they continued their training.

~o~0~o~

The foggy mind had to be a lingering effect of his cold, but it only got worse. Leo prided himself on being timely, even without a clock. As children he could always weird out his siblings by guessing the time and usually being within five minutes of it.

Now he could only imagine this was how Mikey felt every time he looked at the clock. His sense of time was completely off, a second would pass in his mind but the clock would tell him he spent thirty minutes standing in the Dojo not even moving.

Two and a half weeks since nothing happened to him and he felt like he was losing his mind.

“Leo, are you okay?” Donnie asked him during one of his moments, he placed a hand on his shoulder and Leo’s brain misfired. He stared at his brother’s hand like he couldn’t figure out what it was doing there or why it made his heart flip over and slingshot into his throat. “Leo?”

“Didn’t sleep well last night,” he lied, taking his eyes off Donnie’s hand and staring into the concerned eyes of his younger sibling.

His brother pinched his brows together, “I asked you than three minutes ago, are you sure you’re o-”

“I’m fine.” He said harsher, shrugging Donnie’s hand off. “Mind your own business.”

~o~0~o~

Three weeks after nothing happened and he starts having these moments where he can’t breathe. Something heavy sits on his chest and sucks all the air out of him, it’s like trying to breathe in a vacuum, maybe his lunges will collapse and foam out of his mouth.

They’re patrolling before it happens, a scream breaks through the air, a desperate plea by some woman to just be mugged and then they’re staring down an alleyway. Looking at a scene they’ve seen before, same roles different actors.

Of course they do what they always do, they ruin the mood, the victim goes running the would be rapists get traumatized in a whole different way. Learning the hard way that mutants break bones and don’t make idle threats.

It’s a good night, and everything is fine, in the end. He can feel the panic rising, when they get home he locks himself in his room and collapses on the floor, gasping like a fish. Shaking violently and fear ripping through all his limbs. He doesn’t feel safe, he can feel their hands on his thighs, their fingers pushing inside of him.

Their hysterical laughter.

He pukes on the floor.

~o~0~o~

Three weeks after nothing happened and his brothers keep wanting to talk to him. They want to talk to him in private they say, he doesn’t know why but he can’t concentrate. He’s not home half the time even though he never leaves the lair except to patrol. His brain checks out, doesn’t leave a note and clocks back in randomly.

There was a burning sensation in his mouth, he zoned out while brushing his teeth, someone was knocking on the door. How long had he been standing there? He can’t think. When did he become a prisoner in his own mind?

Quickly, he rinsed his mouth out, and put his toothbrush back. He opened the door to find Mikey standing their, irritated. “Dude! I’ve been knocking for like five minutes!” he said, poking Leo in the chest.

He pushed his brother’s hand away and walked towards his room only to have Mikey grab his shoulder and spin him around. “Are you crying?” he asked slightly shocked.

Leo rubbed a hand over his face, his face was wet. When did he cry? He didn’t remember crying, but his eyes felt sore and his face was wet. He turned around and walked to his room and locked the door behind him.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

~o~0~o~

He started having nightmares about the thing that didn’t happen. He would wake up with his sheets twisted around him tying him down to his bed. Every time he would struggle, out of breath, whimpering that he wanted it to stop.

The walls of their bedrooms were thick, it was a good thing too. Leo never had nightmares before, he was always the big brother, the one who’s door was always ajar for little brothers when they had nightmares.

Now, he wished he could crawl into someone’s bed like he was seven. He wanted someone to tell him it was all in his head, the men touching him weren’t real. He wanted someone to tell him that monsters only exist in story books. He wanted someone to tell him they’d protect him.

He got up, the cool air hit his sweat coated body and made him shudder. It was four in the morning, it didn’t feel like four in the morning.

It felt like he was standing under an overhang in the hail with cold water misting over him.

It took a few seconds for him to realize a location is not a time, and that nothing happened there anyways. He was in the kitchen, how he got there he didn’t know, he didn’t remember walking into the kitchen, opening a cupboard and taking down a glass.

He didn’t remember putting it under the faucet and turning the faucet on. He was staring at the water, overflowing from the glass, pouring over his hand and wrist. It was ice cold, the water hits the metal sink making that horrible drumming noise. He should move, he should turn the faucet off and take the glass of water back to his room. Why can’t he move?

Another hand turned the faucet off. Another voice asked what he was doing. He doesn’t respond, he dumps some of the water out so it’s not full to the brim and he leaves the water and the hand and the voice behind.

~o~0~o~

One month after nothing happened and he can’t escape his own mind, his thoughts eat at him and it doesn’t feel like a month has gone by. It feels like mere hours, he can feel Snake tracing his fingers down his plastron promising to make him squeal. He can smell Mondo’s breath as he hovers over him, he can see Slash examining his katanas in the yellow light of that hotel room.

He can still feel the ropes biting into his skin, rough and wet with the blood of their previous victim. _You couldn’t even save that boy,_ he dropped the plate he was trying to set in the drainer, it smashed on the floor. He dropped to his knees and started to pick up the ceramic shards. This was Mikey’s favorite plate, it was a stupid gag plate, had little ceramic pizzas around the edge.

It was the ugliest plate he’d ever seen and he’d never admit how much he enjoyed seeing Raph and Donnie’s resigned faces every time Mikey took down his plate. He would hum the pizza plate song. What kind of person makes songs up for actions? Mikey.

_You can’t do anything right,_ the ceramic bit his fingers, _you can’t even do the dishes anymore, you’re pathetic._

He was shaking hard, he hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. He couldn’t, it hurt, it still hurt to go to the bathroom. _This was Mikey’s favorite plate, he already doesn’t like you._

Somewhere in the background the water was still running. His head hurts, _I didn’t mean to, it was an accident,_ he tries to tell his invisible accuser.

_You didn’t mean to get raped either but here you are._

He balled his hand into a fist and squeezed his eyes shut, _not now not now oh god not now,_ he tried to beg the sensation of another fit away, another world ending panic attack. Someone came into the kitchen, someone was touching his shell. _Get off of me,_ he screamed, with his jaw clenched and his lips sealed. There’s something warm in his hand, it was blood.

Donnie is yelling at him, _you’re such a failure_, trying to get him to open his fist, he’s yelling at him but he can’t hear the words. The water is still running, hitting the metal sink, the metal overhang. There’s a million needles in his right hand, he can’t move, he can only wait for the storm to pass.

~o~0~o~

One month and four days after nothing happened, he can sit on his own legs, in the seiza position. It’s not as comfortable as before nothing happened but is family doesn’t question him unlike when he would just stand. That’s when the news report came on.

Someone finally found the scene. He knew it would happen, but like all things it wasn’t visible through the fog in his head.

He was sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. Raph was lounged on the couch, Master Splinter was in his chair. He must have zoned out again, he didn’t remember his father changing the channel to his TV dramas, the news jingle brought him out of it.

“The New York Police Department is asking for the public's help after four people were found dead in a hotel room on West Seventy First Street,” the news anchor said. Raph sighed.

“How desperate are they to ask average people to solve a murder?” he huffed.

Master Splinter gave his son a studying glance, “Raphael, show some respect, four people were taken from this world.”

“Police officials say the incident took place a month ago but the scene was not found for another two weeks when hotel manager Eric Webb said he had entered the locked room with the intent of kicking his guests out. They had overstayed, and were twenty four hours over their check out time. When he found three men, dead and one dismembered man in the bathtub he immediately contacted police,” she reported. “The three men were wanted fugitives. Aldolfo ‘Slash’ Nicotera, Napoleone ‘Snake’ Lazzari, and Oscae ‘Mondo’ Nicchi were former members of the gang ‘The Sabors’. The identity of the man dismembered in the bathtub is not being released at this time.”

Raph nudged his shell. “This is why we need to patrol more often, there are people out there getting sliced up and we’re in here sitting on our asses.”

He rubs his left thumb over his right hand before responding, it was a nervous thing he’d been doing. Petting himself on the back of the hand, playing with his fingers. Sometimes it reminded him where he was. Sometimes it was just enough to remind him of where he _ wasn’t _. “Okay,” he said. He didn’t know when his voice had become so dead. He didn’t know when he started letting Raph say stuff like they don’t patrol enough.

It wasn’t up to Raph when they patrolled, it was up to him. He didn’t have the energy to voice that. He wondered about the kid in the bathtub, he wondered why he had to die too.

He wondered if maybe he was the lucky one.

~o~0~o~

One month one week two days after nothing happened, one of his nightmares finally gets him in trouble, Donnie found him, curled in a ball, hands clutching his skull and sweating profusely. He doesn’t ask what it’s about, but he decides to sit cross legged on the end of Leo’s bed. He fiddled with his phone.

The soft blue glow and the weight of his legs was enough to fall back to sleep.

In the morning, he doesn’t know if he imagined Donnie waking him up from a nightmare or not, but he does know someone turned off his alarm. Instead of waking up at noon, like he usually would, he woke up at five in the evening.

Embarrassed and angry he stumbled into the bathroom to do what he had to, he locked the door and instead of a pep talk he told himself he deserved the pain.

It made it easier to move his tail back.

“Hey Leo, you feeling any better?” Donnie asked quietly when he entered the kitchen, he didn’t know where Raph and Mikey were, or why Donnie just happened to be in the kitchen. “You didn’t look too good last night.”

He can’t respond so he nodded instead. He can’t remember the last time he’s said more than a few words. The orders he gives while patrolling aren’t conversations that count. “I’m fine.”

“You’ve lost weight,” Donnie pressed.

“I had some weight to lose,” he countered.

“No...you didn’t.”

~o~0~o~

One month and two weeks after nothing happened, he can take a shit without crying. It’s the small things in life he decides. He can’t stand up without getting dizzy. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t have the energy to care.

Sometimes he considers drinking coffee like Donnie, but coffee is a diuretic. He doesn’t need a diuretic.

They couldn’t physically force him to eat but they pestered him about his weight. He knows he should eat, but even if it didn’t hurt leaving, he still doesn’t have an appetite.

“Hey bro, you doing anything later?” Mikey asked, cartwheeling into the kitchen for whatever reason. He shouldn’t be doing cartwheels in such a cramped area. Leo doesn’t have it in him to care enough to tell him. He doesn’t need to be anymore of a killjoy. “We want to talk to you about something, but you keep shrugging us off,” he said.

He was eating cereal, it was easier to just drink the milk and dump the solid stuff in the trash if he ate after training. His brothers would eat before training. Most of the time his brothers were eager to do something by themselves after training, Leo would be left alone to eat breakfast.

He didn’t know when he started strategizing this type of stuff but he can’t stop.

It hurt to sit in the wooden chairs, he was resting most of his weight on his elbows so there would be less pressure on his bottom. Nothing turned off his will to eat like the constant dull pain that radiated up his spine every time he sat down. Mikey was waiting for him to answer. 

How long was he zoned out again? When would this fog clear?

“About what?” he asked, swallowing some milk and stirring his cereal.

Mikey drummed his fingers on the table and said something, Leo couldn’t hear him over the tapping. His spoon bumping the inside of his cereal bowl is loud too. Why are people so quiet and noises so loud? “Leo?”

His brother is looking at him like he asked a question, the zoning out would be embarrassing if he cared. Mikey grimaced.

“I guess you have more important things on your mind huh?” he said sounding far too down.

_He needs me._

_No one needs you._

“I guess,” Leo said, at some point he stopped stirring his cereal, so he turned back to his bowl and away from Mikey and moved soggy cornflakes around until his little brother left. He didn’t mean to ignore the way Mikey’s face fell, he was just too tired to even begin to know how to fix it.

~o~0~o~

One month, three weeks and one day after nothing happened the voice in his head becomes the only voice, and it’s with him constantly. The voice is as constant as the pain in his tail bone and it weighs his heart down. It makes it hard to breathe, he falls into a routine, it’s the only thing he has to cling on to.

It had been a week since Mikey tried to talk to him.

It had been seven weeks since nothing happened.

The weight loss isn’t a big deal, but the exhaustion that comes from the lack of food is. His arms feel weighed down. Someone tied sandbags to his shell and cranked up the gravity. Going up the stairs takes his breath away and makes his heart thud painfully in his chest.

It becomes monotonous. Wake up, train, fake breakfast, meditate, train alone with Master Splinter, fake lunch, free time, patrol, dinner, free time, bed.

He thinks maybe he’s said a paragraph’s worth of dialogue in the past week. Talking hurts his head, but he finds himself talking to himself more and more. Not out loud, but there are full blown yelling matches taking place inside his skull. Rattling his eyeballs and searing his nerves. Yelling matches that would put Raph to shame. The only difference is even if he doesn’t have the energy to respond, the voices still yell, and they hurt.

They hurt so much and it’s a pain he’s never had to deal with. It’s an injury he can’t locate or put a bandage on.

“I want to record everyone’s weight today,” Donnie said after training. He was really asking Master Splinter to back him up.

Distantly he realizes that he needs to divert that train of thought, “I was thinking we could go to that re-purpose lot today, Donnie.” All his brothers look at him with shock. It wasn’t like him to allow for a junk run in the daylight.

The conflict in Donnie’s eyes is immediate, but they go to the dump anyways.

It isn’t until they’re leaping over buildings and climbing up fire escapes that he regrets only having two glasses of orange juice in the past three days. There’s black framing the edges of his vision and he’s fallen behind his brothers. 

It’s okay because it’s not really a mission.

_I’ll find a new ugly plate for Mikey_ he thinks, shaking his head and blinking his eyes as if the darkness was physical. _You think he’ll forgive you so easily?_

The re-purpose lot, called Bernie’s Best, is a huge lot with a bunch of junk. Bernie is paid to clean out abandoned storage units that don’t sell in auction. Most of the stuff is what an elderly relative left behind and the kids didn’t keep up with the payments.

Most of it is knickknacks, on principle he doesn’t like accompanying his brother’s on these trips. It’s a necessary evil to court the line between thievery and survival. They show respect by not taking things Bernie could easily sell, or stuff inside locked units. 

Donnie finds a duffel bag worth of miscellaneous electronics. He assures Leo that Bernie probably will scrap them as it would take a computer engineer to do anything with them. Computer engineers don’t shop at places like Bernie’s Best.

Mikey finds nothing because Bernie’s overweight German Shepard guard dog enjoys belly rubs more than protecting his owner's property.

“Hey!” Raph snaps his fingers in his face, “Daydreamer, we’re leaving.” The action takes his eyes away from the overturned metal bed frame he had been staring at.

They travel home and Raph and Donnie toss around the idea of making the former a motorcycle. His legs feel even heavier than they did this morning and he’s more aware of the traffic on the roads below than the conversations of his brothers. They descend a fire escape into an alleyway and the rattling brings him back to the metal bed frame.

He drops down next to his brothers, Mikey holds the manhole up and beckons for Leo to go down, instead he takes one step forward and falls straight onto the cement. His whole body forgot how to walk, he tries to get up but he’s too weak to get his arms under himself.

There are cars honking in the distance and three sets of hands on him.

He doesn’t have it in him to stay conscious anymore.

~o~0~o~

“...underweight…”

“...I don’t see him eating...almost two months…”

“...did you talk to him...I want him to join…”

The voices fade out and he’s vaguely aware of the weight of a blanket draped over him and the comfort of his own bed. This time he sleeps instead of passing out.

When he wakes up again Mikey is on his bed, with his shell against the wall and his feet hanging over the edge. There’s plenty of room for him because Leo is curled up in a ball. Mikey has his headphones in, he’s watching something on a tablet Donnie invented. 

They ask him what happened. In all forms and ways they can. “Nothing happened,” he drones, a broken record.

They don’t believe him, he can’t find it in himself to care. _Pathetic,_ he thinks, because it hurts to be awake, and he can’t bare to be alone.

Two months after nothing happened and he can’t get out of bed. His mind roars and his body aches in a way he can’t describe. Training could never leave him this exhausted. His spirit was gone, his will power nonexistent. Every time he blinks the time on the clock jumps an hour or two.

The memories weave themselves into unforgiving ropes. They bite into his skin and no matter how tightly he holds himself together the ropes hold him open. The men pull on his tail. He loses his mind, he can feel them constantly. Ghosts that he doesn't believe in dragging their nails on his skin. Mocking his pain.

His brothers bring him water, food. Donnie peels the blankets away from him and puts the cold metal stethoscope on his chest. A mistake is made once, when Donnie is certain there’s a physical injury, his hand brushed the inside of his thigh when he moves to try and listen to Leo's lower intestines.

In a blackout he gives Donnie a black eye and a split lip. He locks himself into the bathroom and stares into the mirror at his sunken in face. _You smell like shit,_ the voice says, and the voice is right. He can’t bring himself to shower, or leave his bed. He only moves to go to the bathroom. 

When did being alive start to hurt?

Raph picks the lock, busts in the room and grabs him by the shoulders. He throws him out into the hall and Raph has fire in his eyes. “You fucking hit D?” he yells full of rage and disgust.

He’s too weak to get up right away, his legs shake. He can’t remember the last time he ate, the edges of his vision are framed in darkness.

_I didn’t mean to,_ he wants to say but Raph pins him to the floor, sitting on his chest and panic takes over.

“We don’t jus’ fucking hit each other he was just trying to help your no good ass!” he hollers, and it drills into his skull but he can’t throw Raph off of himself. In that moment he is terrified. The men are on him.

“Please please-” he begs in a pained whisper because it can’t happen again. He can feel their fingers again, he can feel them scissoring him open. One laying their weight over his middle to keep him from bucking.

_"Do you think I can fit my whole fist in him?"_

_"I don’t know man! Go for it"_

_"Would you like that freak? Would you like me to fist you?"_

_"Fist him man, he fucked up our fun after all!"_

_"Imagine the tape!"_

_"This shit will sell better that the stuff we were going to do with that Sissy!"_

_"Look at him struggling!"_

_"I think he’s crying!"_

“He’s crying, why is he crying?” Mikey asked as Leo sucks in air. 

He’s curled into a ball with his hands over his head. Legs twisted around each other. He was sobbing. Raph looks down at him confused. Mikey touches him, trying to console him. He curls further into himself with a whimper. “Please no more. No no no no I-” he sobs harder. He wants them to leave. He doesn’t want to sob in front of his brothers.

~o~0~o~

In the middle of the night, after he takes a shower for the first time in a long time and returns to his bed to find crisp new sheets and freshly laundered pillows he decides he has to tell someone. They care. Someone cares. Someone has got to care.

_No one cares about you,_ he thinks on reflex. For every kind thought there is an equally mean thought.

He chooses Donnie because he hit him and his little brother did nothing wrong. Silently he walks to his brothers door. Unsure of what to say, Donnie hadn’t asked for an apology. All he did was help Leo into the bathroom and push the others away.

The hum of several old computers radiates through the door. Chugging along, binary cogs moving the blood of technology only Donnie really understands. Leo stands there in that white noise, let's that peace make a home in his chest. The calm constant noise fills him up, pulls his hand to the door and curls his fingers into a fist.

He can't do it.

Instead of knocking he rests his forehead on the wooden door and sighs. There was no one to turn to. Nothing happened so there was nothing to say. Again, a door, a choice, and no clue what was behind it once he opened it.

“My son,” Splinter speaks into the hall and it’s only because he is exhausted that he doesn’t jump. “A word?”

Hesitantly he steps away from Donnie’s door and follows his father. There among the candles melting into the floor his life is turned on its heels. His father says plenty of things, things that don’t break through to him. Lost somewhere in the hum that still vibrates around him until it's broken up. Until it's hail on the metal over hang.

He was caught up on one sentence. “You’re going to Central America.”

He would leave immediately.

His bag was packed for him.

He wasn’t allowed to say goodbye.

In a far off place in his mind, there's a muffled scream complimented by a rattling bed frame. With a bow to his father he tightens the rope, shoves the gag down his throat, and chokes on what's to come. 


	2. Stage 2

_But now he lives inside_

_Someone he does not recognize_

_When he catches his reflection on accident  
_

["Brothers On A Hotel Bed"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSENYx4NIVM) \- Death Cab for Cutie

* * *

**-Anger-**

* * *

The day after Winter's dusted himself into the afterlife Leo had a nightmare. It had everything to do with being captured and while there were no metal bed frames the familiarity shook him down to his shell. He didn't leap out of bed, he sat up. Rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes and let his breathing even out. Somewhere in the back of his throat he could still feel the gag.

When he reached for his water glass on his bedside table there was barely a sip’s worth. Sighing he stood up, grabbed the glass by the edge and sauntered over to his door in the near pitch black room.

There were little tricks he had learned over the past two years. Drink some water, light a few candles, find his center. Ground himself in the present. As he quietly made his way to the kitchen he kept one hand on the brick walls. So unlike the jungle he had almost decided to never leave. So unlike the hotel room, locked under a key in the back of his mind.

“If you don't stop we'll wake up the whole lair,” Donnie's voice whined quietly from the kitchen.

Leo stopped, frozen. His brothers were ninjas and hard to sneak up on, but Leo still had the jungle in him. Muffling his feet, he was the definition of silent. There was no matching his level, even his own family would be surprised to find him behind them. Half the time he didn't mean to sneak up on them, he just did.

Right then he did not want to have a conversation with anyone. He wanted some water, and then he wanted to meditate.

“Then don't make so much noise,” Mikey teased back at the same time Donnie groaned very quietly. “Come on out, no one is awake…”

Immediately a very familiar smell hit Leo's nostrils. One he knew well because they all knew what pheromones a horny male secreted. They were all at least two times a year secreting it involuntarily. The erotic scent caused an aching pressure to build in his tail.

A deep churr sounded from the kitchen and Leo realized whatever was going on had to stop. He walked in no longer concerned about his foot falls being heard. As soon as he entered he made a direct path to the sink, not even acknowledging Donnie and Mikey.

Donnie had been on the counter, Mikey had been in front of him. Mikey's hands were between Donnie's legs. They quickly stopped what they were doing and Leo filled his water glass with his heart hammering behind his sternum.

Thinking they were caught red handed they both stared at Leo with wide guilt filled eyes. Leo took a sip of his water while giving them an impassive look. If it wasn't for the smell maybe Leo could have played it off. He could pretend he didn't know what was going on.

Except he did. Mikey and Donnie were going to have sex on the counter. They knew it. Leo knew it. He took the glass away from his mouth and narrowed his eyes. “Go to bed, we're patrolling tonight.”

He left the kitchen before they could react, swiftly making it to his room. He closed the door and sat on the floor with his back against it. His tail ached, he hadn't been able to drop down since…

It had been a long time but the ache wasn't just from his phallus yearning to come out. As the pressure increased so did the horrible pain in his tail bone. Leo groaned, moving his tail down with some pain to reveal his slit. It was wet, extremely wet. Further evidence of how long it had been since he last masturbated.

Hissing through his teeth he pushed his tail back up against himself and stood up. He placed his water on his nightstand and decided to light a few incense to clear his sinuses of Mikey and Donnie's pheromones.

~o~0~o~

Eleven days. Not that he was counting but it took eleven days for Mikey and Donnie to realize he really didn't care about what he witnessed and smelled in the kitchen that night.

Donnie gathered enough courage to bring up something Leo would rather he ignore: his weight.

“I spent nearly two years in the jungle Donatello. Of course I'm leaner than when I left,” he said over his tea while his brothers ate breakfast.

Donnie frowned sheepishly and tapped the side of his cereal bowl with his index finger. Tap tap, pause. Tap tap, pause. “If by lean you mean bordering on underweight then… yes,” he said carefully.

There had been comments about his eating habits from all of them. This was the first time Donnie was bringing it up outright. Leo ignored Donnie's concerns and skipped breakfast. In the jungle fruit and the occasional fish had been his primary diet. It still hurt passing more solid things. It was much more bearable, but it was still highly unpleasant.

As it stood he could eat carbs once every other day and as long as he drank plenty of water with it he was okay.

Still Donnie dragged him into the bathroom and had him step on the scale. “You're five nine and one hundred fifty pounds. For us that's barely into a healthy weight range.”

“It's still healthy though,” Leo pointed out. Donnie relented.

Leo walked to his father's room for his private training session leaving an agitated younger brother to mumble to himself.

He was losing weight.

Not that he meant to but if he couldn't find food that was easy to pass he wasn't going to eat. His family sadly ate a lot of very unhealthy food. Pizza being a staple. There was some limited fruit options. Oranges, bananas, and apples. The variety stopped there. His stomach growled.

He did his training session anyways.

If he lost more weight Donnie would ask more questions.

_You'll have to eat more then. They can't know._

_What would they think if they knew?_

_Leonardo the rape victim. Oh you'll never hear the end of it!_

At dinner that night he ate more food. He had sushi with his brothers and the act made Donnie happy. Sixteen rolls never tasted so good.

And they never hurt so bad coming out.

Donnie suggested maybe he shocked his system by eating so much. Made himself sick. He soaked in a hot bath for an hour afterwards, the pain made him sweat and shake and thankfully his family thought it was food poisoning.

He fasted for three days afterwards.

He learned how to purge shortly after that, but he used it sparingly. In emergencies, when he would have episodes of shoveling carbs into his mouth with no self control.

~o~0~o~

It stormed and therefore it stormed in his head.

Mikey loved the rain and it's on a different rooftop that he spins around with his arms outstretched getting absolutely drenched when Leo saw the way Raph was looking at the youngest. For the past two weeks he had considered bringing it up to him. What he saw in the kitchen was a family destroying revelation but he felt numb to it. More numb than the version of himself from two years ago. That Leo would have expressed outrage. "You're brothers!" he would have yelled.

There would be meetings with their father, ones that would speak to morality. Incest. Mikey and Donnie were in an incestuous relationship. He should feel disgusted but he didn't have it in him.

The way Raph was looking at Mikey wasn't with brotherly fondness, it was with desire. Leo raked his own eyes over their brothers wet body, water clinging to his green skin. Mikey playfully stuck his tongue out at Raph.

_So you're all together._

Lightning crackled in the sky above and Leo called it for the night. It wasn’t late enough to go to bed though. After drying off quietly because their Master was already in bed for the evening, Mikey took his energy out skateboarding.

Leo turned on the news on low volume, sat on his legs in front of the TV and floated away. The thunder seemed to shake into their home. "Severe Thunderstorm Warning" the banner on the bottom of the screen flashed.

A video of hail landing in someone's backyard played on the screen and the noise of it hitting their metal trash bins made him sick. “Thank you Ashley L for sharing that video with us on Facebook,” the anchor said grimacing. “But please stay inside!”

It hailed in his head so loud the TV became distorted. The anchors talked jargon that didn’t even feel like words. Their hands wrapped around his tail, he shifted in his spot.

A toe tapped him in the back of the shell, “What’re ya doing?” Raph asked. “You get hurt?”

Leo jutted a little and turned his head, “What?”

Raph started petting his own forearm to demonstrate, “You keep rubbing your arm, what’re you doing?”

Embarrassed he stopped. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it.

_It’s the only comfort I have._

He ignored Raph, turned back to the television, and stopped rubbing his arm.

~o~0~o~

They whispered about him when they thought he wasn't around.

"He pets himself," Raph said. Not bothering to even hide the judgement in his voice. "He's always petting his wrists and shit, what the hell is that even about?"

He had silent jungle feet.

"It is strange, but he spent a year and a half in isolation," Donnie said, he tapped a few keys on his computer. "It might be a result of that? He's touch starved."

He could breathe silently, he could hold his breath for ten minutes, he could hold a statue still position for hours if he needed to.

"He looks fucking starved in general if you're asking me."

There were too many things wrong with him, too many things they were picking up on.

They were finding cracks in his facade.

~o~0~o~

It felt like the holiday season caught him blindsided. One night the city was naked and the next thing he knew it was full of lights and decorations.

It was watching the way the three of them interacted with each other under Christmas lights. Throwing snowballs and licking dirty icicles much to Donnie’s dismay. There were subtle things too, the way Mikey would take Raph’s hand and swing it between them with a joyous smile. Raph had the complacency of a long time spouse going along with his antics. They didn’t see him watching because he was trying his best not to.

Leo never thought of his brothers like that, even the thought made him feel wrong. He had never given much thought to any relationship ever. How could he? What woman would want him? What man would? It hadn’t even occurred to him that his own siblings were an option.

His dreams painted a different mindset. Awake the idea horrified him, in his dreams it was him on the counter with Mikey between his legs speaking sultrily. More often than not he would wake up with a sore tail and just enough wetness to tell him of his sins.

Raph and Mikey wrestled in the snow, Leo kept watching their surroundings. Maybe he was the babysitter for their date, he didn’t care.

Except he really did.

There was a burning in his chest, anger and jealousy that made him hate them for having each other when he had nothing. His whole body shook, it was a deep penetrating shake that was birthed by his bones. Someone was poking holes into his framework and letting all the marrow out. It was poisoning his blood and making his head light.

He still couldn’t eat enough to even maintain his weight. There was no way to stay on top of it. They exercised too much.

Donnie was staring at him, he acted like he was laughing at Raph and Mikey but he knew something was wrong.

Metal rattled, loud and it constricted around his skull and the yellow light was back. He reacted before he thought about it. He reacted by moving, not by talking. His soul bolted to the rooftops, away from the park they were in but his physical body stood up too fast.

The world was a teeter totter again, and Donnie caught him before the snow at their feet could. “We’re heading back you two!” he called over his shoulder.

Donnie had a grip on him like none other and he was forced to use him as a support. He was dizzy, too dizzy and to make matters worse he could feel it. That phantom touch between his legs that even years later plagued him.

All it took was Raph and Mikey colliding with a metal fence for him to be right back in that place and Donnie saw everything. He pulled them both home.

“You need to eat more!” Donnie scolded him.

So they had reached that point, the point where Donnie’s concern caused him to overcome his own timidness.

“I’m fine,” he bit out gripping the kitchen table and speaking under his breath. He did not want their father to hear.

Donnie took his hand and Leo pulled away violently.

He hated being touched.

He actively avoided it.

“You’re shaking!” Donnie continued raising his voice, “You’ve lost weight, I hear you throwing up after meals-”

“Keep your voice down!” he snapped and it’s on habit that Donnie does ...at first.

Leonardo the Leader stepped through the fog, it was a mask he could easily fit. One he could smooth over and tape in place before leaving his room every morning.

Donnie wasn’t so impressed. “Tell me what’s going on, if you’re sick I can help you-”

“I’m not sick!”

“Then let me examine you, you haven’t let me so much as take your pulse since you’ve returned from your Leadership Training-”

“I didn’t ask to be sent to Central America Donnie!” he yelled.

Before Donnie could wipe the shock off his face their father walked in, fitted in his night wear. “Leonardo, keep this argument down or go to the surface,” he reprimanded. “I expect you to have more control over your subordinates than to allow them to argue with you in the middle of the night.”

_They aren’t my subordinates._

~o~0~o~

The next morning he woke up from something worse than an erotic dream about his brothers. It was worse than another nightmare about the bed.

It was worse than those nights he would spend kicking his legs and biting back screams for help because he could feel their hands. No matter how tightly he twisted his legs closed, he felt them again.

This was worse than even that because this time he was tied to the bed and before anything happened his brothers busted the door down and saved him. A scene from a distorted movie where they go home and Raph kisses him and tells him they were worried about the storm and how long he had been gone. They all go to bed and nothing happened in the hotel room.

The worst part was his brain didn’t put them together, it just assumed they would be. In his dream it was the four of them even before the hotel room and the men with their laughter. Piercing his skull, haunting him like ghosts and maybe they do haunt him.

He killed all three of them after all.

His ghosts watched him place the mask back on. They could see his shaking hands and they say the same thing to him every time.

_When they find out they’ll never love you. Not even as their brother, and never as their mate._

Every time he agrees.

~o~0~o~

Intense katas. Subtle punishment for him and Donnie waking up the rat master the night prior. Raph and Mikey are instructed to watch as he and Donnie run through the steps both panting. This was after their regular training, the room was bleeding together for Leo and it was getting harder and harder for him to stand up straight.

He was so hungry, he felt hollow. There was no way he could eat though, not after that dream and not when it still hurt to use the restroom for passing solids.

There’s a worse pain, when his footing slips and Donnie accidentally kicks him right between the legs. Right on his tail.

Raph and Mikey cringe violently as he hits the floor. Both hands cover his tail and he pulled his legs up to his body. The pain was horrific.

The pain felt like he might have re-broken his tail.

They had all been hit where the sun doesn’t shine so at first they all cringe knowing how bad it hurts and then Leo pukes while still curled in a ball.

Again, it was ever persistent Donnie who kneels down next to him immediately. He put his hand on Leo’s head, “he’s running a fever” he lied. “Master Splinter can we call it a day?”

“Fine, you are dismissed,” he said, it sounded far off, all he was aware of was the taste of bile in his mouth and the pain radiating up his spine. “Leonardo, in battle your enemies will not give you the time to recover from a kick to the intimates. You should know this.”

“Hai!” he breathed out.

“When you have a hold of yourself, I expect you to clean up your mess.”

“Hai.”

Their father left, he felt like he was dying. He could not survive another two weeks of agony with his tail being broken. He couldn’t. The very thought threatened to drown him. “Asshole.” Raph muttered at their father's back,. “I’ll clean up the rugs.”

Donnie’s touch didn’t take away the pain but the weight of his hand on his shell kept him out of the hotel room. “Mikey can you help me walk him to the infirmary?”

“Uh, yeah sure,” Mikey said. "Of course."

Reluctantly he removed his hands from his tail and let them guide him away, unable to stand up straight and with his vision threatening to go dark.

There was a bed in the infirmary, one for harsh illness and needing active medical care. They lower him on that, he couldn’t sit, he had to immediately lay down on his side. He had to think fast, he had to come up with a lie about his severe reaction.

"Mikey, I can take it from here" he said quietly. His voice radiated a soothing tone that almost had Leo wishing he could tell maybe just Donnie.

Donnie was a doctor. Maybe he would understand the hotel room-

_No._

He squeezed his eyes shut.

"I need privacy, I need to check to see if his tail is broken," Donnie explained. "That's not fun for anyone involved, make sure I am undisturbed, please."

"Like guard the door?" Mikey asked.

Donnie nodded. "Please."

"Yeah, okay, feel better Leo," Mikey said as he left, shooting his own glances full of nervous energy over at him and Donnie.

He listened to Donnie run a few wash cloths under the sink. In too much pain to move he just waited. Carefully Donnie wiped off the front of his plastron. He cleaned off all the mess and had Leo rinse out his mouth. Through it all Donnie's hands were gentle and professional. The hot cloth made him less nervous but his heart still beat rapidly.

"Leo," he said quietly, "I need to roll you onto your back."

Numb, and exhausted he allowed it.

"Well first, I know this is awkward but I need you to move your tail-"

"I can't," he said opening his burning eyes and staring at the ceiling. He could feel the question on Donnie's tongue. "I broke my tail in Central America, I fell and landed on a rock. Within the first week. I set it myself but it didn't heal right. I guess I'm not a doctor."

When he looked up Donnie's mouth was parted. "You can't move your tail?" he asked quietly.

Leo looked back at the ceiling.

"Does it hurt to move it manually?" he asked going over to the sink and pumping soap onto his hands.

"Yes."

"Does it hurt when using the bathroom?"

"Yes."

"Does it hurt to become erect?"

"I haven't had an erection since breaking my tail," he admitted, Donnie came back and Leo closed his legs together.

"I know this will hurt but I need to feel your tail bone which involves me palpitating it from the inside-"

"No!" Leo cut him off with a panic filled yell. The thought of anything going inside him made him see red. Just the idea.

Donnie glared. "I will get Raph in here if I have to. A broken tail that prevents you from passing waste without discomfort and also prevents you from having an erection needs to be looked at. I will have him help me sedate you if that's what it's going to-"

The very idea of being held down sent him into panic mode but he was weak. His mind broke, he curled up on his side again and covered his tail with both hands. With no way to save himself he begged Donnie not to touch him. He begged through labored breathing and an indescribable level of fear. His brother rubbed his shoulder until he calmed down. By the end of his meltdown he was filled with shame.

"Here's what we'll do" Donnie whispered, taking a tissue and dabbing Leo's face dry. "I am going to give you something that will make you really calm. You won't be unconscious but you will be ...spaced, to put it plainly. I will perform the exam, you will toss back some pain pills and I'm going to tell Splinter you have the flu. And you are going to stay in the infirmary for a week so I can take care of you."

The idea made Leo's head spin. He was too tired to think straight. Donnie pushed a pill to his lips and he swallowed it dry.

"I wish I didn't have to do this Leo," he said helping him roll back on his shell. "I will explain everything I am doing before I do it."

And he kept that promise.

The pill kept him calm, it allowed Donnie to part his legs and slide a sterile finger into his cloaca. It hurt having him palpitate the bone, Donnie moved his tail while his finger was inside of him. Pain shot up his spine and when he hissed out Donnie would stop pressing as hard, he would stop moving his tail so far.

It felt like an hour, it was over in two minutes. Donnie washed his hands and poked his head outside. Out of earshot he said something to Mikey.

"How did you break your tail so far up?" Donnie asked, taking a clean sheet down from the supply closet.

"What do you mean?" he mumbled.

Donnie draped a heavier blanket over the sheet, a heated blanket. Leo could feel the metal wires through the layers. Electric vines pushing him into the bed. The pill was making him lose his mind.

"You said you fell and hit a rock. I'm trying to figure out how your spine broke right before it fuses into your shell. That seems like an impossible angle-"

"It was a long time ago," he said. "I don't remember the details."

Donnie frowned, "Okay, that's fair."

His brother plugged the blanket into the wall socket and clicked the controller on the cord a few times.

"Leo?"

"Hmm?"

"If you happen to remember the details..." he said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You can tell me."

_I can't._

"I wouldn't tell the others."

Leo chuckled, his tongue was fuzzy. "Yeah you would."

Donnie frowned.

"You're all having sex with each other," he sneered, because now he needed to get Donnie off his shell. Now that he knew about the broken tail. Now that he suspected there was more to that story. "Yeah, I know what I saw in the kitchen between you and Mikey. And I know Raph is in on it too."

He expected Donnie to look embarrassed. Or have any form of reaction but he didn't. "Mikey is making you a protein shake. You will drink that and take two pain pills. I will stay in here with you tonight, Raph is informing our father you have the stomach flu."

The words were like tiny knives. They didn't care, they didn't have shame and Donnie wasn't going to be distracted by the knowledge that Leo was keenly aware of their incestuous relationship.

"I love them," he said standing up. "But I am capable of keeping things to myself. Especially sensitive things."

They didn't talk about it. Mikey made him a very liquid smoothie. It was made with oranges and strawberries and mango flavored protein powder. He used whole milk and a little cream. The whole thing was nearly six hundred calories and Donnie made the discreet comment that it would give him the runs tomorrow. He said that in front of Mikey instead of spelling out "Drink the smoothie, you'll be able to pass it as more of a liquid."

It was the best thing he had drank in the past month. He was so empty and starved he practically inhaled it. Donnie's concerned glances didn't even bother him. He was still relaxed from the pill, he was eating something he wouldn't have to purge later. He didn't care about anything.

Donnie had him take some pain pills after he was done eating. For the first time in over two years he felt good. No constant pain in his rear end. No growling stomach. The heated blanket kept him pleasantly toasty.

He fell asleep to the sound of Donnie quietly tapping away at his key board.

~o~0~o~

They told Master Splinter he had a severe case of the stomach flu, and they held up the lie by making sure to emphasize that Leo was young and sturdy. He could fight off the illness with bed rest and plenty of fluids, if Master Splinter were to fall ill it could be deadly. Therefore, no visits.

Luckily their father bought it, and Leo was able to sleep for four days. His body was drained, it craved sleep and warmth and food. The infirmary had all three. Donnie spaced out four meals a day and the first time he used the bathroom after two high calorie liquid meals it was easy to pass. It wasn't pain free, it was never pain free but it wasn't the white knuckled heavy breathing experience he dreaded.

Everyday Donnie would weigh him. In four days Leo put on seven amazing pounds. Donnie wanted him to gain twenty.

True to his word the broken tail revelation stayed between him and Donnie only. “Leo has developed some dietary issues that were making him sick, this new diet plan will help him regain weight,” he explained to Mikey. “Just like we have Splinter on his low-cholesterol diet, we have Leo on a...” he faltered for a word.

They were in the kitchen, trying to put together a shopping list. The task was assigned for the three of them, Raph was watching something with Casey in the other room. Something about his future in-laws driving him up the wall so much he literally came down to the sewers to escape.

“A Jungle Diet?” Mikey suggested. “Alright, I can work with this. Sucks you can’t do pizza anymore.”

Leo shrugged, “I haven’t had it in over two years, I think I’ll be fine.”

“Dude.” Mikey breathed out, “My heart goes out for you, truly. So have you thought about-”

“Nuh uh!” Donnie said, waving his hands like mad at Mikey before slicing his hand over his own throat.

“-uh Casey’s plan to propose to April on Christmas Eve?” Mikey said pulling his fat from the metaphorical fire. “He wants us to hold up the sign but what if she thinks we’re the ones asking her to marry us wouldn’t that be awkward humans and turtles ew.”

Donnie put his face in his hands.

Admittedly, having a full stomach and sleeping better because he didn’t have to worry about hiding the effects of starvation made him feel more alive. So the way Donnie and Mikey were dancing around some hidden subject didn’t bother him. He was too busy feeling good. “I don’t know much about relationships,” he said crossing his arms. “I’ve never been in one, I wouldn’t know if it would be romantic or not.”

“Right,” Mikey said, nodding nervously before coughing into his hand. “Well uh, I have uh,” he waved the piece of paper. “I have to uh… you know uh meal plan and such, glad you’re looking better Leo, I mean feeling better, you look fine-”

“Okay.” Donnie interrupted, “This is painful.”

_It’s amusing, it’s like he has a crush on me._

_No, not possible._

“Can I speak to you?” Donnie asked gesturing him to follow him back to the bedrooms, “There are a few things I would like to go over.”

Leo followed, he only had one regret. He should have told Donnie about his broken tail when he got home, he could have avoided a couple months of unnecessary torture and hunger. He felt like a million dollars.

Then Donnie led him to his room, Leo paused. He stared at the door and remembered how close he had been to knocking that night.

The night before he was sent away.

Would Donnie have treated him the same way? Would he have been sent away to Central America at all? Would he have told his brother about the men and their hands?

Donnie exited his room, “I had April buy these, they are stool softeners for emergencies,” he explained. “Don’t throw up anymore, I know that’s what you were doing but it will cause more problems than it solves. So if you eat something that you know will be painful to pass these will make it soft. You have to drink plenty of water with them though.”

He took the bottle, turning it in his hand, part of him was still standing in the hallway two years ago.

“Also, just so Mikey doesn’t kill me...” Donnie continued hesitantly. “Uh, next week Splinter is going to April’s for a thing, I think a Gilmore Girls movie premiere and uh well Mikey and Raph are sneaking into a wrestling match and I thought maybe if you aren’t doing anything we could spend some time together?”

Leo's heart dropped into his stomach. “What do you mean, you want to hang out?” he asked.

Donnie laughed very nervously, “Well basically Mikey and Raph are going on a date and I thought maybe you and I-”

“I don’t want to date you,” he said plunging the mood into something awkward. “Any of you, you’re my brothers.”

“Right.” Donnie said bowing his head. “Anyways, keep those in your room, and follow the dosing on the back.”

He watched Donnie walk back to the kitchen, almost anxious to get out of sight.

Leo looked at Donnie’s door again. He wondered if in two years he would stand here in this very spot again and wish he had just taken that plunge. Wishing he had knocked, wishing he had said yes to an open hand.

_Like Donnie would still want you after finding out you were a play thing for three men._

~o~0~o~

It ate at him the rest of the day. He should have said yes. He should have taken the plunge. Let Donnie take him on a date. He fantasized about being with all of them and dating Donnie was the first step.

It ate at him until Raph shoved him up against a wall the next morning. “You gonna tell pops?” he asked lowly.

Leo pushed him off, tired of the tough guy act. “What that Donnie asked me on a date?”

“Donnie asked you out?” he asked in disbelief. “An' he didn’t tell me?”

“What Donnie does or does not tell you is your problem not mine, leave me out of your...” he stumbled on his tongue. _Relationship? Orgy?_ Donnie used the word love, but he needed a word that was soaked in hatred. Something that will have Raph and Mikey off of him as well. “Your activities,” he sneered.

Fire was lit in Raph. “Don’t ya dare tell Splinter, Jungle Boy,” he warned pressing Leo against the wall.

“Get the hell away from me!” Leo side stepped, making Raph scrape the arm that was on his chest against the concrete wall.

Fists flew, no weapons were drawn. He wasn’t himself so he was pinned easier. “Say it.”

“_Beg us to stop and we might”_

“Fuck you”

“_That’s what we’re going to do"  
_

It wasn’t Raph’s fault, not really. Maybe it was love that he didn’t understand, the kind that makes a person mad at the very idea of their life with their loved ones being disturbed. Leo was Splinter Jr. it was only logical to tie up this lose end, to make sure he knew it would not end well for him if he ratted them out.

Raph was gone, he was on the bed. Tied to the frame, listening to them hack the man up in the bathtub. Iron, iron burned the back of his throat he could taste the blood particulates in the air.

His skull throbbed, water was rushing in his ears. Every breath felt void of oxygen, leaving him to claw at his chest.

"What is this, are you crying for losing a battle?" his father sneered. "What have you become? I thought you had grown out of such childish behaviors."

He was sobbing. Their hands, he could feel their hands.

"Master Splinter this isn't a tantrum he is having a panic attack," Donnie explained over the roar of hail on the metal overhang and the torturous sensations between his legs.

When had they all arrived to see him like this? Why couldn’t he breathe?

Why could he still feel the hands of men long dead, why could he feel their breaths on his neck, their nails raking his skin, grabbing his tail-

“_Sometimes they like it, do you like this?”_

“_Maybe whine out for the camera and we’ll go easy on ya.”_

“_I don’t want to hear it whine, look at it!”_

There was a sharp smack. It pierced the air and in the corner of his blurred out eyes he could see Donnie cowering away from their father holding his cheek. "Do not speak to me in that tone!" the rat roared. "I am your Master, if your leader is too busy crying on the floor to order you to leave I will do so myself. Leave. All three of you."

_Please don't leave._

_Don’t leave me again._

_I didn’t want to leave._

_I should have knocked._

_Why didn’t I knock?_

"When you are done crying, punishment plank position. On your knuckles with your medallion around your neck since you clearly need to be reminded as to why you have it in the first place."

His father left him there in the living room, with his demons screaming in his ears.

Maybe it was exactly what he needed, for his sorrow to seep out of him in a fine sap as he endured his punishment. With no one there to wipe it away it stiffened into resin and promised to fester into something worse.

~o~0~o~

Leo laid down afterwards, with sore knuckles and a burning core. His appetite was gone. Too angry to sit at the same table with his father. There was more scolding after his punishment, salt in already raw wounds.

His neck ached. The medallion’s weight had left an indent on the nape of his neck. With aching hands he rubbed at the knots that had formed.

He didn’t ask for it to happen.

He was a good person.

He was just trying to save someone screaming for help but where were his heroes when it was him tied to that metal frame? Where was his father then to berate him for bad leadership?

_And what would they think if they found you tied to that bed?_

He groaned and buried his head into his pillow at the same time someone knocked on his door. When he didn’t respond for three seconds they came in anyways.

It was Raph.

“I came to check on ya,” he said, closing the door behind him but it was a lie. If anyone was going to check on him it would be Donnie or Mikey.

“I don’t care about what the three of you are doing,” he said rolling onto his back. “I’m fine, I’m tired, leave so I can fall asleep.”

“Okay.” Raph said raising his hands in surrender and making his way to leave.

His mouth opened before his brain could think it through all the way. “Was there something wrong with me?” he asked as Raph’s hand met the doorknob.

Raph paused.

“You three were together before I left, I didn’t put it together until I got back,” he explained. He sat up, not caring about the discomfort. He had to know what was wrong with him, why he was left out, he had so many questions. How did they even get together?

"We wanted you to join us," he said pausing at the door. "But whenever we wanted to talk, you would act weird. Then you went to Central America."

He should've knocked. The regret wrapped around his mind like a vice. Like restraints tied to a metal frame.

"We figured you were the one who didn't want us." Raph said, ending his sentence with the sound of the door closing behind him.

~o~0~o~

So that's what he did.

He knocked.

Not for reasons that Raph had made, no, for more selfish reasons. Ones that kept him from sleeping.

He couldn't take it anymore. He had to tell someone and Donnie said he wouldn't say a word. Staring at the familiar grain of Donnie's door time stilled. He knew this grain well, for all the times he hadn’t knocked and just left instead. He could pick this door out of a lineup.

When the grain moved and was replaced by Donnie he entered the room without being invited in. Desperate to get out of the hall before he lost his resolve.

He lost it anyways.

There was no way he could tell Donnie what happened in that hotel room. The plan was flawed, cracked. He dropped it on the floor of Donnie’s bedroom on the braided rope rug. Only he heard the noise it made at his feet.

A nasty black bruise sat under Donnie’s right eye and trailed into his right nostril. Not enough time had passed for it to become swollen, but in the morning it would puff up its chest proudly.

"What's it like?" Leo asked, standing rigid in the center of the unfamiliar room. It had changed since he left, more books, new posters. New projects.

Donnie looked like he hadn't gone to bed yet. Judging by the blue light from his laptop sitting on his bed and the ice bag on his pillow. "I need you to be more specific-"

"What's it like to be in love?" he asked.

"It feels like coming home after a long journey," Donnie explained without a second's hesitations. "It feels like a dream at first, unreachable, then if it works out it's meant to be."

Leo nodded like he understood, but really the comparison meant nothing. He studied Donnie's behavior, the way he stood. How he held himself in that moment. Unsure and still awkward about Leo’s true intentions. "Raph said you guys wanted me to join you, before I left," he said with a knot in his chest. "Is that true?"

"Yes."

It felt surreal. "All three of you, wanted me?" he whispered.

"Yes." Donnie said looking at the floor in shame.

"Do you still want me?" he asked as Donnie wandered back to his own bed and sat down. He picked up his ice pack and held it to his face.

"I know it makes you uncomfortable," Donnie explained in a dead tone. "But you have made yourself clear, and we will keep it to ourselves-"

Leo stepped forward. He was done standing in front of this door, "Is it too late to say yes to that date with you?"

There was a second where his heart threatened to leap out of his mouth, where Donnie was frozen in shock with his ice pack and bruised face. Where the blue light behind him made him appear to be a shadow. He couldn’t make out his expression. "No," he breathed.

Relief cascaded down the walls of his mind, "Then I would like to say yes now, if that's okay with you."

Donnie nodded emphatically. "I- that's, yes, I would like that," he tripped up his words nervously.

"I would like that too," Leo said turning to leave, his hand fumbled with the knob. He was shaking. No, he was vibrating with adrenaline.

When he got back into his own room he slid to the floor and smiled, high from the thrill. The rebellion, the way Donnie had told him no it wasn’t too late. This was it.

_They want me._

~o~0~o~

“LEONARDO, DONATELLO! THE DOJO! NOW!” his father pounded on his door.

The yelling had him up within seconds, scrambling to put his gear on. He ran to the Dojo with Donnie on his heels. The conversation last night felt like a dream still, but the scene before him felt like a nightmare. He could smell it immediately. The musk of sex, it was pungent and clear but no one was in heat so he walked in confused.

“Leonardo, this morning I caught your brother’s performing dishonorable acts upon each other in the living room!”

His father stared up at him, his whiskers twitched. Fur bristling.

“Do something, this behavior is unacceptable. How will you put them in their place?” he demanded.

Both Raph and Mikey were sitting seiza with their hands flat on the floor. Their heads bowed, given the shaking in the youngest shoulders he was crying silently.

He caught Donnie’s pale expression in the corner of his eye, only making the bruise on his cheek pop out further. “Incest is a crime worthy of banishment from the clan,” Leo said. “Don’t you agree father?”

The rat faltered. “I wouldn’t go so far-”

“Then how far would you have me go?” he asked pacing in front of his brothers. The anger in his veins boiled over. “Should I cast them into the cold for loving each other?”

His father squinted at him.

_Oh, our we catching on?_

“Did you know Donatello is with them as well?” Leo asked.

The betrayal in Donnie's eyes hurt, but it was necessary. It was part of a bigger, better reveal. He was stitching together not a plan, but a blow to his father’s face. The horror in the rat’s eyes as he looked at the genius was exactly what Leo had imagined. Donnie bowed his head to the floor.

Raph glared at him.

“What is this?” Splinter snarled, “Do you think this is amusing that your brothers are having sexual relations with one another?”

“No, it’s disgusting.” He made eye contact with Raph, he kept his face cold. He kept the mask of leadership on tight. “Come here Donatello,” he said, all while staring at Raph. “I will punish you first.”

Splinter nodded, he watched in satisfaction as Donnie stepped forward. Leo could see the fear in his younger brother, fearing punishment and the way Leo had so easily thrown him under the bus without a heart.

Raph and Mikey watched. One with anger and the other with dread.

When Donnie came to a stop in front of him Leo stepped forward, cradled his skull, and kissed him on the mouth. At first Donnie was rigid, pushing against Leo’s plastron in shock.

Then he was kissing him back, gripping his upper arms and enjoying it.

The Dojo doors slammed shut and Leo let go of Donnie’s face. His brother was visibly confused, looking at him like he had grown a second head while running his tongue over his lips. They had kissed in front of their father.

No, they made out until he stormed out of the room in disgust.

That resentful resin fossilized into amber in his father’s name. He had drawn a line in the sand and joined his brothers. It felt like he was truly coming home.

“Can I be punished next?” Mikey asked after a moment of ear ringing silence.


	3. Stage 3

_I awake to see that no one is free_

_We're all fugitives_

_Look at the way we live_

_Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no_

_I said, which way do I turn_

_Oh I forget everything I learn_

[“Spies” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivkcAH8_6KE)\- Coldplay

* * *

**-Bargaining-**

* * *

He did punish Mikey.

He punished Mikey until Raph pulled them apart shocked. "What the hell is going on?" he hissed, pointing to the doors their father disappeared behind.

Leo smiled, he just stood up to their father. His head was in the clouds. Raph looked irate, like the turtle in blue had lost his mind and maybe he had. "Can I join you guys?" he asked, swiveling his head to look at all of them. Pushing down the feeling that this was going to end badly. Pushing away any thoughts of long term consequences.

Jumping from a date with Donnie to just asking? What could go wrong?

For a second he feared they would reject him, their shocked silence threatening to drown out everything else.

Raph stepped back, the three lovers shared a look. What a roller coaster the morning had been, from their father’s scolding to his betrayal to him now wanting to join. Leo couldn’t have chosen a more confusing way to step on their toes. "You gonna kiss me to?" Raph asked raising an eye ridge.

His heart was beating out of his chest, "If you let me" he said.

It was in the Dojo of all places, that Leo experienced his first kisses. Then his second, third, and fourth kisses. They had training that day after all. It was training for Leo. They spent an hour teaching him to kiss, how to tilt his head into it. Every time they grazed his skin he shuddered, forced himself to stop panicking. He needed to like their touch. He wanted to but the three of them crowding him was hard. All of them seemed eager to have their turn with him, the realization gave him butterflies.

Some of those butterflies had razor edged wings.

They were discovered but it didn't matter. Four adults versus their senile father, they could do whatever they wanted. Leo let them press against him, with his heart hammering and his chest tight.

His father might send him away again.

That thought plunged into him and he realized Raph and Mikey were gone. Leaving only him and Donnie in the Dojo. Something must have happened. There was a slight shake in his arms.

Donnie gave him a cautious smile, "Since those two are too rude to say it I guess I will. Welcome to the relationship Leo."

Leo tried to return the smile but failed. Something was eating at him.

“Are you okay?” Donnie asked lowering his voice.

“Yes, of course. It’s just new,” he explained, brushing off the concern.

Donnie twisted his mouth into a gentle frown, “I only ask because you kept… flinching while we were kissing you.”

Ice ran down his spine and no it wasn’t the winter weather, he tried so hard to be still. “It’s new.” Leo repeated cutting Donnie off.

He could still feel his brothers kissing him, his skin almost buzzing everywhere they had touched him.

A pleasant warm buzzing that seeped into him. Gave him something nice to hold onto.

Donnie nodded, said some more words but it was all static. All of it was background noise. It was all falling into place, how could he ever do this if he couldn’t even kiss them without his hands shaking. Even right there, in the presence of Donnie’s soft voice he wanted to take a shower. Get the sensation of being touched off because while it was nice… it was morphing into the feeling of other not as nice hands.

How was he going to do this?

~o~0~o~

In a shocking turn of events after Leo pulled the rug out from under their father. Their father pulled the rug out from under them.

Master Splinter left.

No note.

No trail.

He was gone.

Leo’s brothers looked to him now.

That made things complicated.

They slept on it.

~o~0~o~

It didn’t help that the phone started ringing off the hook. They ate breakfast while Mikey explained why they were getting phone calls every fifteen minutes asking for Cowabunga Carl.

“There’s a video I guess,” Mikey said tapping his fingers together sheepishly. “I guess someone made a really weird video with the Cowabunga Carl character and they are sending it around with a virus or something and they’re acting like I’m the one who made the video!” he lamented.

“What video?” Raph asked as the phone rang and they all groaned. On the off chance that Master Splinter did try to call, they couldn’t unplug the phone at all. It rang all day, which was unfortunately when they were asleep.

Leo gave up on sleeping entirely. Choosing to meditate and rehearse his next conversation with his father. The very vivid nightmare he had between phone calls may have played a role in keeping him up as well.

Mikey trudged forward, dead on his feet from no sleep and picked up the phone. “This number is no longer how you reach Cowabunga Carl- oh, okay, thanks April” he hung up the receiver. “Dad’s on April’s couch.” He yawned, probably barely comprehending what he just informed them all of.

Leo was acting head of the house, which didn’t mean much. It was usually him nagging for them to train and keep the lair clean, making sure everyone pulled their weight so they at least resembled a functioning household.

There was a whole new responsibility now, one to his mates. “We need ground rules,” Leo said realizing he was imposing rules on a relationship he was barely a day into. This wasn’t his area of expertise either. “Master Splinter will come back and when he does he will demand we stop being together.”

They nodded. Mikey looked at the floor, perhaps ashamed or even sad that their father had left so abruptly, but Raph and Donnie regarded his words seriously.

“Simply put, we will need to compromise,” he explained. “Splinter won’t like it, but if we keep our relationship out of sight, perhaps he can keep it out of mind.”

They nodded.

“Which means no sex outside any of our bedrooms,” he said giving them all a stern look. “No kissing, no sexual or romantic contact.”

Raph scowled, “I have a question.”

Leo bowed his head, “ask it then.”

“So you think you’re in charge of us now or somethin’?”

“No,” Leo said, keeping his eyes on Raph. “Which brings me to my next point. I recognize as the leader of this team I am in charge. I still believe in that role and its importance but I do not want to be the leader of this relationship.”

“Yet you’re out here telling us when and where we can be physical?” Raph challenged. He was making things difficult, perhaps it was because he was so dominant, or maybe it was because he feared Leo would take that role away from him.

The idea to have them relegate all contact to the privacy of their rooms wasn’t just to quell Master Splinter. It was in part because of what Donnie brought up. The flinching. His aversion to unexpected contact. The more they touched him the more he became keenly aware that he was almost scared of them.

However, he couldn’t come out and say that, it wouldn’t make sense, they wouldn’t understand. “Raph, part of my reasoning is to help me know when I am the leader and when I am...” he trailed off. “What do you three respond to each other as?” he asked.

“Mates,” Donnie said. “I would consider Raph my mate as much as I would Mikey,” he said fondly rubbing Mikey’s thigh under the table.

_Mates implies mating._

_Can you mate?_

_No._

_So what will you be?_

Leo swallowed, “I can’t be your mate and your leader, that’s an unhealthy power dynamic. So as much as the bedrooms are a place for more intimate acts among you three, it is also the place where I will not be the leader.”

His hands started to shake, something about the idea of this actually happening. He was actually in this now and in his future he would be expected to do... things. Not just fantasize about them in the safety of his mind but actually do things. He didn’t know a single thing about sex. He couldn’t even let himself drop down, he would never be able to receive one of them. The thought made his head pound.

They were waiting for him to say more. He zoned off again. It had been a long time since he had zoned out, what was going on? It was them, his brothers. He wanted this. Of course he wanted this.

_Do you?_

“I want to speak with him alone,” Leo stated, acting like that was why he was so silent for a few moments. “He deserves some respect, this is his home as well.”

The phone rang.

“Seriously, how do we change our number?” Mikey asked heading towards the phone to repeat his now fully memorized spiel.

The best Leo could hope for was giving his father time to cool down. They would take the night to relax, do some training and then Leo would go to speak with their father privately.

~o~0~o~

The talk went real well, Leo had the bruises to show for it and the words spoken burned forever in his brain. There was no point in repeating any of it to his brothers, his father blamed him anyways. He was the one who let this happen, he was the bad leader.

_"Dishonorable."_

It wasn’t even the incest that was the problem.

_"Homosexual."_

_"Promiscuous."_

They were no sons of his, he was leaving the country that day. The only reason he called. He told him to not touch his things, one day when he can stomach seeing them he’ll come back for his possessions.

He didn’t realize he had to choose between his Sensei and his brothers.

When he finally got back home, because he needed to walk around for a long time. He needed to clear his head, maybe vaguely consider throwing himself off a bridge. Instead he stopped a mugging and had a beer bottle chucked at him. Not by the assailant, but the victim. He got most of the glass out of his arm on the walk back.

It was late when he finally walked in, silent on his toes. Hours past when they usually went to sleep for the day.

Raph was still up, almost guarding the door, “What did he say?”

“He needs time to think.” Leo said, hoping that was enough to convince Raph.

“And that?” Raph asked, pointing to Leo’s bloodied arm.

“I got sidetracked on the way back.”

Raph pulled him into the bathroom, helped him wash his arm and wrap it up. All as a team member, all while staying very quiet.

They disconnected the phone, it kept ringing off the hook. Mikey’s business email wouldn’t even load it was so full of emails. Everyone was emailing him that video. He refused to watch it, partly because he had no access to it and also because it sounded scary.

He still had nightmares from The Ring, a movie they watched when they were kids. At least he knows his limitations.

To his surprise Raph followed him into his bedroom, closing the door and kissing him deeply. At first it shocked Leo, having Raph guide them to his bed. Moving from his mouth to his jaw, peppering Leo with gentle kisses. Planting deeper more aggressive ones on Leo’s neck.

Almost biting him, the sensation made it hard to form words. Feeling Raph’s teeth just graze his skin, sending a shiver straight to his tail and tucked away penis. It return his tail sent a sharp cramp into his abdomen.

“Not tonight.” Leo said pushing against Raph who immediately pulled away. He felt guilty, but he couldn’t… he couldn’t go any further.

Raph nodded once. “Right, g’night Leo,” he said leaving quickly.

He sat on his bed for a moment, tracing the spot on his neck. Basking in that feeling.

Raph had been all over him. He really did want him. A smile pulled at Leo’s lips.

~o~0~o~

Raph moved from his lips, down his neck. His hand slipped between his legs, touching his tail. Leo arched into his brother’s touch, letting Raph coax him out of his slit-

He woke up in a staggering amount of pain. Gasping he immediately knew what was wrong. The second his hands felt it under the covers.

His penis was out.

The pressure in his tail caused him the utmost agony. His legs kicked, he started feel hot then cold as the pain throbbed up his spine. The feeling made him sick to his stomach. The wonderful dream was whipped away and replaced with his tail being opened to far.

Leo tried desperately to calm himself. Grabbing the edges of his mattress and squeezing his eyes shut.

They had muscles inside that helped repackage them up in their tails. He just needed to catch his breath, he needed to relax. There was no need to wake everyone else up, no one would be up for a few hours anyways. He could handle this.

Just like last time, all those years ago when he had to set it himself.

The sheets were soaked with sweat, he felt dizzy. If he remained perfectly still the pain was manageable. It still throbbed, it still ached… but it was manageable.

He tried to pull himself in, the internal muscles twitched for a fraction of a second but he screamed when a sudden sharp piercing pain ran up his tail bone. Instantly he regretted trying, those muscles hadn’t been used in two years. He was unsure if he was still capable of tucking himself back in hands free.

To make matters worse that yelp of his woke up Mikey, who didn't knock, he just entered leaving the door open behind him. He flipped the light switch, Leo couldn't really imagine what he saw but in a second Mikey was by him squinting against the light.

"Leo what's-"

"Get Donnie -get Donnie -get Donnie -get Donnie," he whimpered. Who else could help him? There was a reason the pain of pulling his penis back into him hurt so bad. He was still very much erect. Two years of chastity didn't matter, the fabric was rubbing against him, keeping him hard.

Of course pulling it in hurt it wasn't flaccid.

Mikey didn't argue, he tripped over his legs getting out of the room and Donnie was over him too fast for Leo to explain. The pain wasn't getting better, it was slowly becoming torture. He was losing his resolve to not cry out because the pressure even when laying still was constant and almost building.

Donnie was calm, he immediately lifted the covers and Leo felt entirely humiliated at his state. The rush of cold air right on his exposed parts caused him to shiver which caused him to cry out. How could he explain to Donnie why he couldn't pull back inside? His brother seemed to gather everything he needed to know within seconds.

Quickly he recovered Leo before Mikey could see. The youngest’s eyes darted to Donnie. "Listen very carefully to everything before doing anything." Donnie said turning to Mikey almost blocking him from Leo's view. "Get Raph first, tell him to grab my med bag and several towels and wash cloths, don't follow him. In the kitchen you need to make a sugar paste. Take two cups of sugar and combine it with one cup of cold water. Bring that to me immediately once it is done."

Turning back to Leo as Mikey left the room Donnie's face was blank. "I know you are in an extreme amount of pain, I need their help to help you which means they will see your penis, they will know your tail is broken."

Leo nodded, digging his nails into his palms. It hurt to talk, it hurt to breathe.

"This will not be pleasant for anyone involved, especially you and I have to work fast and I need to do things that will hurt," he explained. "Leo I am so sorry, I will give you pain pills as soon as I can but I used my last Valium when I examined your spine previously."

He wanted to say he understood, but Raph came in with Donnie's med kit and the towels and Mikey came in almost immediately behind him with the bowl of sugar paste. Now there were three people standing over him and he couldn't move and Donnie was removing the blankets... it was a living nightmare.

Raph and Mikey we're shocked, their eyes went straight to his penis. Trying to decipher what was wrong. Leo felt his face burn this was the most humiliating experience ever. Covered in sweat, erect, and crying.

Great.

Oh and Donnie was going to touch his penis.

"He has an erect-" Raph blurted out as Mikey shut the door.

"Silence." Donnie said cutting Raph off and ignoring him. Full work mode. "Both of you do as I say until I say we are done do I make myself clear this is a medical emergency."

At that both Raph and Mikey paled. They had protocols for serious injuries. It boiled down to Donnie being the leader of all things painful. These were also the only times Donnie would find it in himself to be bold enough to do something like snap at Raph.

The first thing Donnie did was tap out some pills, helping Leo swallow them. It was a lot of pills but before he could ask his brother was already speaking again.

"Welcome to the worst morning ever," he said airily completely removing the covers off of the end of the bed and throwing them to the side to the room. "Leo broke his tail in Central America," he explained. "It never healed correctly and now he has a bundle of pinched and damaged nerves in his tailbone. This erection is causing his tail to bend back further than it usually has to, pinching the nerves more causing intense pain."

As he spoke he took the bowl from Mikey and a cloth. Leo yelled out when he felt the cold paste being dabbed onto his penis. The tiny movements of his penis under Donnie's fingers caused more pain. Leo threw his head back and tried not to jerk, it only made things worse.

"Leo this is sugar paste and it is going to help draw moisture out of you phallus so I can tuck you back in" Donnie explained, scooping more paste into his cloth, motions robotic.

He couldn't take it, he really couldn't he tried to silence himself because Donnie was helping him but it hurt. His brothers hovered, watching Donnie work not sure what to do and Leo started begging. "Please stop," he whispered, it sounded pathetic to him.

“_That’s right. Beg.”_

“Donnie please please please-”

"I know Leo," Donnie said completely focused on coating him with sugar paste. "I know, I am trying not to budge you too badly but it’s inevitable for a coupled more seconds."

Tears rolled over his face and Mikey came to him, taking his hand and squeezing it. Leo squeezed back hard. He was shivering, Mikey noticed. He rubbed Leo’s forearm in the same manner that he would do to himself. "Donnie's got this bro," he whispered, giving Leo a smile that was supposed to be reassuring but he was scared.

Mikey was scared for him.

When it was all said and done Donnie had touched every inch of him and it hurt. It _hurt_. Raph had an intense angry expression. Mikey had turned himself so he was only looking at Leo's eyes.

"Now what?" Raph hissed.

"We wait for the mixture to bring down the swelling and then..." he closed his eyes and then opened them. He blinked a few times before looking at Leo like he was going to cry.

_I know._

Leo nodded. He knew what they had to do. He knew. He knew why Donnie looked like he was about to shatter.

"What?" Raph asked looking even more mad. "Then what?"

"I will need you to hold Leo's upper body down," Donnie said shakily. "And I will need Mikey to hold his legs-"

Mikey looked horrified. His mouth parted he looked at Raph like he heard Donnie wrong. "I can't do that, I can't-"

Even hearing it out loud made him panic. They were going to hold him down, three people were going to hold him down to a bed he felt sick all over again.

"Do you think I want to do this to him Mikey?" Donnie snapped. "I'm the one who has to pack him in, I'm the one who has to do this. I have to hurt him to help him to you want to trade places?"

Mikey's lips quivered. "No," he said hoarsely.

Quickly Leo was forced to accept the immediate future. He could feel the weird sensation the sugar paste was having. Making him shrink, he stared at the ceiling. Tried to shift through the pain and his own hard breathing.

"This totally wasn't how I wanted to see your dick" Mikey said keeping a firm hold onto his hand.

"Me either," he bit out.

He had really thought he would never let himself out. Now he was sure he had scarred himself from ever letting himself drop down.

"Okay, it's time," Donnie said, smoothing his face. "Raph, Mikey."

It was his greatest fear all over again. His heart raced. He considered begging them, as irrational as it was. Raph took position over him, he felt his breathing becoming panicked, shallow and fast.

Back in the hotel room.

Raph held him down by the upper arms. "Here grip my arms back," he whispered. Leo complied, holding onto Raph’s triceps. "Grip me a tight as you can Leo," he said. "I'm made of nails that's why Donnie put me up here."

When Mikey climbed on the bed, so he could sit between his feet and pin his legs right above his knees it finally sunk in. This wasn't a bad dream, this was happening. He was scared and his legs were being forced open and there was nothing he could do. Something must have shown on his face. “Hey, look at me, don’t look at them look at me,” Raph whispered. “I’m righ’ here and it’s going to be okay.”

“Leo,” Donnie said his voice was steady and calm. “If you are able to, as I am pushing you in it will go faster if you try to pull yourself in.”

“Okay,” he said, keeping eye contact with Raph, but it came out with no voice. He just mouthed it.

“Team effort.” Mikey said quietly as Donnie held his tail with one hand and wrapped his other around Leo’s now just out penis.

He started having a panic attack that second.

He screamed, he fought, there was no attempt to pull in because it felt like there was a cattle prod being touched to the base of his spine. Raph kept talking. "Look at me," he said as Leo tired to kick going into full panic as Donnie began pushing him back in, putting horrible pressure on his spine, the pressure got worse and worse far surpassing how much Leo imagined it would hurt. “Look at me look at me look at me-” he repeated over and over.

All Leo could really hear was his own screaming. His fingers dug into Raph.

The worst thing about screaming was he could only hate himself for being so weak. He was back there, with those men and it was their hands pushing inside him and he did the one thing he didn't want to.

He begged them to stop. He didn’t even know what he said but this pain was worse than them, the men. This felt like Donnie was ripping his tail clean off. He begged and begged, most of it incoherent.

They didn't let up, not until it was over and Leo went limp. There was a new wetness on the bed.

_You pissed yourself._

_In front of your brothers._

He was still trying to catch his breath, barely feeling Raph's hand on his cheek, the other on his shoulder still whispering to him. He couldn't hear the words. He didn't notice Mikey had gotten off the bed until he was holding his hand standing next to Raph.

Everything was distorted, his cloaca and tailbone still radiated a shooting sharp pain but he wasn’t in his room anymore. He was braced against a dresser, trying to catch his breath with three dead men at his feet, their blood hanging in the air.

~o~0~o~

When Leo woke up he was in no pain, he was wrapped from chin to toe in a thick fleece blanket on the couch with his head in Donnie’s lap. Donnie's hand was on his chest, the other on his forehead. From the angle he was lying at he could see the underside of his brother's chin but not his face.

His feet were elevated, resting over Raph's lap.

They were in the living room, watching some Christmas movie. He turned his head to look at the screen and immediately Donnie felt for his pulse, and put the back of his hand on Leo's head. There was a slight tremble in his movements.

"He awake?" Raph asked, sitting up straighter but keeping Leo’s legs on his lap.

The blanket being wrapped around him made it harder to move his arms, or anything. His limbs were heavy and fatigued. "I'm awake." Leo murmured, feeling like he was fighting a mouth full of cotton.

_Probably not for much longer._

His eyelids were heavy. It was hard to focus, everything was a little fuzzy. He remembered pissing himself in front of his brothers. That was why they were in the living room, his bed was soiled. He tried to move, force the blanket off of him but none of his muscles seemed awake. There was laundry to be done.

"Hey." Donnie whispered, "Just relax-"

"I need to put my sheets in the wash," he said trying again to sit up. It was stupid, he winced, they were looking right at him. No pain as long as he kept laying down.

Donnie pet his cheek soothingly and shook his head. "They're in the dryer. We took care of it already."

Leo groaned, that was embarrassing. He wet the bed and they took care of it. Then another even worse thought occurred to him. He was clean. He didn't smell any sweat or piss or shit. What if he shit himself? Everything that came out of him was a liquid. The thought made his stomach turn.

"Leo, along with a double dose of pain killers I gave you a muscle relaxer," Donnie explained, still rubbing his cheek. "I had to do that so I could actually push your phallus back in place without you clenching against me. I'm so sorry, I would have told you there was a good chance you were going to release yourself... I didn't want to give you more things to dread."

"We kinda hoped maybe you didn't realize you had," Raph added. He was still holding his legs. Not holding him down, it still made him uneasy. Needles erupted on his stomach. He felt vulnerable again.

"When-" he swallowed., "How long has it been?"

"About two hours or so, Leo." Donnie said keeping his gentle tone. "You had an episode and we were able to get you to stand in the shower so we could rinse you off-"

"Episode?" Leo asked, blinking. "What do you mean episode?"

Donnie looked at him concerned. "You checked out," he said slowly before looking at Raph. "You sometimes do it in the middle of a sentence then you continue like nothing happened are you actually blacking out?"

It felt like the world was falling apart.

"I..." he tried to remember. "I don't, that can't be... "

_That only happened in private._

_That can’t be happening in front of them you moron._

“It’s happened a few times since you’ve been back Leo,” Donnie continued, the cheek rubbing stopped, he was growing more and more concerned. “This one was much longer-”

“Have I ever, during patrol, have I-” Leo panicked. What if he was a liability to them? What if they were in danger and he checked out. What if he was going back there when he was supposed to be here?

Donnie shushed him, “You’re still affected by the medication, just relax, we’ll talk after breakfast. Mikey is making breakfast right now.”

His eyes did feel heavy, it was hard to even keep Donnie in focus. “You two should get some sleep though,” he said.

“How can you expect any of us to be able to fall asleep after this Leo?”

~o~0~o~

It was negotiations with Master Splinter all over again. Only with less yelling and more anxiety.

This time it took place in Mikey’s room because there are no leaders in the bedrooms. So he sat in seiza in a small circle with his mates. Not his team members, his mates.

That he could never mate with.

“We are a little confused,” Donnie said, gesturing to himself, Raph, and Mikey. “However I am mostly confused as to why you would lie to me.”

That hurt, Leo didn’t let his face show it but it stung. Of course he was lying. He had to, what other choice did he have? “About what?”

Their eyes all darted to each other like they were the ones in the hard spot, he dug his nails into his palms. Anything to focus on other than the fact that they were so close and he was still on the outside.

“You said you hadn’t had an erection in two years,” Donnie started slowly. “When you said that I thought you could not physically have one. Obviously you can, so you must be experiencing nocturnal emissions during our heat-”

“I didn’t lie about that,” he said. “What you assumed is not my problem. I broke my tail and I knew dropping down would hurt. During my heat I would turn towards meditation.”

His brothers frowned staring at him like he was insane. It hadn’t been fun, being in heat with no release is about the most infuriating thing to go through and Donnie wasn’t falling for it.

“How would you... stop nocturnal emissions?”

Leo shifted, partly because his tail still throbbed from the events earlier, but also at the memories. He had to do something embarrassing, but it worked. It was hard to know if they would understand. “I would bind my tail up,” he said looking down. “At night I would bind my tail against myself so I wouldn’t accidentally slip out before waking up to... stop myself.”

“Dude,” Mikey breathed. “That’s-”

“I really don’t want to hear it Mikey I did what I had to and after finding out-” he stopped.

It dawned on him that if he had slipped out there would have been no tucking himself back in. Especially in heat, no amount of meditation could negate the hormones running inside him. The only way to deflate would be to masturbate and under that much pain… orgasm would be unreachable.

He would have had to castrate himself. A sensation grazed his left shoulder and he flinched.

“You did it again,” Raph said, removing his hand. “You stopped mid-”

“For a second!” Leo said incredulously.

“Four minutes,” Donnie said holding a stopwatch up on his cellphone, giving Leo a serious once over. “Where did you go?”

“Nowhere!” he didn’t mean to raise his voice, they were getting too close to him, he felt suffocated. “I was just acknowledging to myself that I don’t know what I would have done if what happened earlier happen when… it doesn’t matter.”

“Actually it does-” Raph started but Donnie raised his hand.

“While you were asleep, we decided we need a plan for when this happens again-”

“It won’t happen again-”

“Yes it will, and when it does I don’t want us to have to resort to holding you down and-” Donnie’s voice shook. “I don’t ever want you to put me in that position again Leo, I’m going to have nightmares.”

_Me too._

Clenching his jaw Leo understood that he could not expect Donnie to do this ever again.

“I want local anesthetics on standby, I want morphine, I want methods to quickly sedate you Leo because it will happen again. We can do things to prevent it in the meantime but it will happen and you won’t feel a thing the next time I have to do that.”

His palms hurt, he adjusted his nails to a new spot. “I will make us a plan to get medical supplies soon-”

“Today” Donnie said and the stern expressions on Raph and Mikey’s faces made it clear he was on the outside here. They had all talked beforehand. They were all on the same page. “You will make the plan today, and then we also need to get an x-ray of your spine.”

The idea made his heart race, “Why?”

“Why?” Donnie asked, “So I can possibly fix your incorrectly set tail.”

“No,” Leo said shaking his head, he wanted them to drop this, he could handle it. “I can start binding my tail again-”

“That’s another thing,” Raph started ignoring Donnie’s glare. “No I got a question, if you can’t get hard why do you want to be with us?”

Leo’s brain stuttered, “There are other things I can do,” he said quickly. “I have a mouth, and I have hands-”

“Do you even know how to give a blow job or a hand job?” Raph asked.

Why was he coming after him like this, it didn’t make sense. He started finding it hard to breathe, “I, no Raph, I am a virgin, I was under the impression you three would teach me,” he snarled. “You three are acting like I am not painfully aware of the situation I have been living with for two years!”

“Also Raph you’re kind of making it sound like all we do is have sex,” Mikey muttered, twirling his fingers in the shag carpet they were all sitting on.

Raph rolled his eyes. “I mean we aren’t” he said. “And I know Leo and Donnie have a little chemistry but I mean, what’s the point of joinin' us if you can’t have sex?”

The room tilted.

Of course it was about sex. That’s why Raph was so open last night, Donnie said it was about love too but that was just Donnie. Raph and Mikey wanted sex. He couldn’t hear them anymore, he stood up, they said something, it didn’t matter. The room was too small. He wouldn’t have what they had.

“I’m leaving, don’t follow me.”

~o~0~o~

The water roared, crashing into the rocks, pushing litter further up the beach. It was cold, he sat under a high dock, shielded from view and the water didn’t rise up far enough to hit him. Only cigarette butts and gas station soda cups to keep him company.

He was so stupid.

When the cold ate at him more than his thoughts he went to April’s apartment, he surprised Casey who had been in the middle of brushing his teeth. “Your brothers called here like five minutes ago asking if- you alright Leo?”

“I’m fine,” Leo said stepping into their warm house. He felt bad about asking if he could stay the day but he wasn’t ready to go home.

_Maybe you should go back to Central America._

“We’re having a fight,” he lied glancing everywhere but Casey. Taking in their home because he had only been to visit a few times since getting back. “Could I crash here until tonight?”

Casey shrugged, “Sure stick around for dinner too. It’s meatloaf,” he said, putting his tooth brush back in his mouth and heading back to the bathroom. “I’m already three minutes late for work!” he called from the bathroom.

He would be gone by dinner.

~o~0~o~

An hour.

That’s how much time he was able to spend channel surfing before the window next the fire escaped slid open. He didn’t even bother to look, he knew the foot falls. It was Raph.

He could also sense Mikey and Donnie, either on the fire escape just out of sight or on the roof.

Without a word Raph sat down next to him as Leo flipped to the news. A picture of Cowabunga Carl was on screen with a red exclamation mark. “Officials are warning of a video circulating online, often sent to minors under the guise of a fun video of Cowabunga Carl, however, this local mom tells us her experience.”

“Aww geez, ya know, it’s a stupid mascot but why’d someone have to go and do this ta Mikey,” Raph sighed.

Leo frowned too, not only did they have to change their number, Mikey seemed very disheartened about the legacy he was leaving behind. “What even is the video?” he asked.

Raph shrugged and leaned back against the couch as the interviewer asked a very upset mother how her daughter was exposed to the tape. “He won’t even try ta open his business email anymore, and like, I don’t give a fuck I think people are hyping it so more people will watch it.”

“It was an email chain,” the mother said. “Going around her school, the second she opened the email it played this horrible video, I didn’t even watch the whole thing what kind of person would go out of their way to make something like that?”

“Indeed,” the interviewer said. “Initial analysis of the video have many believing its creator is an expert in CGI, meaning this hyper realistic video was made by a professional. Scary to think some of the people behind our most stunning cinematography of the modern day may also be behind this horrible pornographic film.”

“I just don’t understand why someone would do this. To make matters worse it automatically emailed itself to all of the people in her contacts. She was suspended for sending her whole class the video this needs more attention,” the mother said wiping her tears away. “My daughter can’t sleep she only opened the video because I hired Cowabunga Carl for her birthday party last year.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, after this break we will continue are segment on Cowabunga Carl: Local Mascot to International Scandal.”

Raph muted the TV, “Whatever, it’s all hype. Nothing’s going on so they gotta fear monger.”

Leo nodded, it still was unfortunate. Luckily Cowabunga Carl was off the grid, no one was going to get in contact with him, hopefully it would go away on its own.

“I got a big mouth,” Raph said, he was never good at apologies so Leo decided to just stare at the muted TV. “And you got tiny ears,” he added.

It was a bad idea not leaving as soon as Raph came in.

“If you had let me finish, I was only questioning you because you don’t want us to help you even though… we could help you,” he said.

“I am okay with just giving,” Leo said quietly.

“What do you get in return?”

Again, he had a lot of answers. Any bed to crawl into? Someone to care about him? He started rubbing his arms again. The idea of being with them made him feel better, kissing them all felt right. He was scared now they wouldn’t want him.

“Does it bother you guys so much that I can’t have sex?” Leo asked. “I could still touch you three, what does it matter if-”

“We could go around in circles all damn day Leo,” Raph said cutting him off. “I never got to my question before you ran off.”

“Well you have my attention now,” Leo said bitterly.

Raph shifted, scooting up, “Then look at me,” he said and he continued only after Leo slowly turned his head. “Was it me?”

“Was it what?”

“When I was kissing you, I admit it I was- I was tryin’ to get frisky,” he said wetting his lips. “I took Donnie’s virginity,” he explained, “Mikey’s too and… I admit it I was hoping to get yours-”

It clicked, Leo’s heart fluttered. “I was having an erotic dream,” he admitted averting his eyes, shame creeping up his neck.

“Tell me about it.”

“You were kissing my neck,” Leo said, just saying it out loud made him a little aroused. “In the dream you started touching my slit, you told me to come out and that’s when I woke up.”

Raph came closer, “So you want to have sex.”

“I can’t you saw what happened-”

“I’m not fucking asking if you can have sex, I’m asking if you want to,” Raph said, grabbing his hands. Leo felt his head starting to ache, he looked down at their hands. “Here’s the deal, you let Donnie get his x-rays and we’ll teach you how to touch us, a hand job or something.”

_No._ He opened his mouth.

“It’s a closed deal,” Raph said quickly. “Donnie said he will tuck the x-ray in a drawer and we’ll show you the same day we get them done. Even if you don’t want Donnie to fix your tail... ever.”

“Why?” Leo asked. “You know I’ll do it but I can’t… I don’t want him to...”

There was no way he could stomach the idea of Donnie rebreaking his tail. The first time had been so painful.

“Leo.” Raph smirked, “When you see what we can do for each other, you’ll want Donnie to fix your tail.”

~o~0~o~

The agreement was not that straight forward, it never was going to be and Leo knew that but he really wanted to show them he had something to offer in the bedroom.

So they tweak the deal to include the supply run. It seemed very important that Donnie have that equipment on hand. Once he had it he explained exactly what will happen the next time Leo drops down, they establish beforehand consent. Donnie only wanted to act in his best interest.

He was still humiliated by all of it, it got worse when Donnie threw out the phrase genital mutilation. There was scar tissue on his penis, he didn’t have an excuse for that.

They had sharp nails.

It was the least painful part.

No way to explain that so he made up another lie, he hurt it when he was a kid. How? He doesn’t remember. He started to think this was all a mistake. Coming home. He should have stayed in the jungle, where no one would touch him, where he could stare off for a little while. He didn’t need their touch, or their love.

That was a lie. His brain still tried to pull him away from them.

He pet himself more and more, every time they brought up his tail it hurt, they didn’t know what memories they drag up with their questions.

The ghosts were still sitting in his head, always waiting for him to mess up. Always watching. Always having something to say.

~o~0~o~

Master Splinter still hadn't shown up. So they got the X-ray done at an animal hospital without questions, it was still high stress (as break-ins always were). They were calm and steady, Mikey kept the mood light like this was a field trip and not the end of the world. Leo kept his promise, he laid still while Donnie position the camera. Donnie took a few pictures, placing Leo on his stomach, his back, each of his sides. All with his tail down.

Since he kept up his end. Facilitating a plan to get medical supplies and an x-ray. They kept up their end.

They taught him how to give a hand job. They decide on Donnie being the receiver of Leo's first hand job. Donnie was offended. Claiming he was not a “two pump champ” but the way Mikey and Raph laugh make him blush.

"There's a reason Donnie only bottoms" Raph said elbowing Leo as he joined them in the room fresh out of the shower, "he is super sensitive."

At this Donnie blushed again. "I am not!"

"We've made him orgasm four times in a row before" Mikey added, coming into the room with a huge smile. "Oh tell him that story!"

"You mean you guys held me down" Donnie stewed before catching Leo's concerned expression, "don't worry I didn't ejaculate four times I orgasmed four times-"

"It was awesome!" Mikey said sitting on Donnie's bed.

No one had their gear on and Leo felt uncomfortable all the sudden. "It was not awesome!" Donnie complained playfully crinkling his beak at Mikey.

"Wait I thought orgasm and ejaculation were the same thing?" Leo blurted out feeling dumb, awkward. The virgin in the room.

_Somewhat virgin._

Raph and Mikey shook their heads solemnly. "We have so much to show him" Mikey said with a dreamy sigh. "I didn't think tonight would get any better than Donnie sitting through direct contact-"

"You make it sound like I'm going to ejaculate the second we begin" Donnie said sitting down next to Mikey. They both positioned themselves on the edge of the bed dropping their tails down.

He could do this.

Raph got on his knees in front Mikey's parted legs, Leo did the same in front of Donnie. "So, I'm gonna show you the Raphael approach" he said, earning him an eye roll from both brothers seated on the bed. "A good lover plays with their partner's slit, so I just like to gently run my fingers along the edge" as he did so Mikey churred out in delight.

Leo looked up at Donnie who gave him a very small nod, carefully he ran his finger back and forth over Donnie's slit. Immediately Donnie's knee bounced up and down earning him a teasing remark from Mikey.

His own tail felt swollen watching Donnie bite his lip to stifle a churr. "Raph please get to the next part" he stammered.

"See?" Raph muttered, "that's why Donnie is always putting his ass in the air for us. Alrigh’, once your partner is out-" Donnie immediately came out, his slit was getting very wet, next to him Mikey came out as well.

He noticed Raph had an erection standing proud.

Leo probably should have binded his tail. Just to be safe. The memory was still fresh enough he was certain he wouldn't… even if things became heated. The pain was still lingering in the back of his head.

Raph applied lubricant to his hands and had Leo do the same. Then he began stroking Mikey. The younger turtle churred out, keeping his hands to himself. He let himself be as vocal as he needed to, perhaps taking advantage of their father’s absence. "I swear I am the only one who can cum quietly. These two are singers" Raph muttered, sounding almost like he enjoyed that fact.

As he placed his hands on Donnie's penis, his knee bounced even faster. Faster than Mikey after a load of sugar. He bit his lip looking cute and bothered by Leo's touch.

Leo listened diligently to Raph's instructions. Stroking Donnie's hard penis, his lube coat fingers squeezing and pulling him until they both had Mikey and Donnie churring and gripping the edge of the mattress.

He also noticed they were holding hands tightly.

Leo was getting very good at the repetitive motion when Raph said it. "Who's gonna cream themselves first?" he said licking the tip of Mikey's penis. "Will it be Mikey who claims we has complete control over every orgasm, because I dunno man you're looking kinda nervous."

Mikey had his eyes tightly closed. "Max concentration, Donnie will fall before me."

"Why don't we make it interesting?" Donnie asked under a moan that made Leo happy. Donnie was enjoying his touch.

"Oh I know" Mikey said sporting a huge grin, "first to cum gets to be the one to show Leo what they sound like when they are forced to orgasm over and over."

Forced.

Leo kept rubbing, "sure Mikey, it'll be fun to listen to you screaming your head off" Donnie said slyly.

Raph rubbed Mikey faster, Leo kept his pace not sure if he should try to change things up or help Donnie win by slowing down. He really didn't like the word forced. They weren't forcing themselves on each other.

Raph mouthed, "squeeze their heads on three."

Wanting to show he was willing to learn, he did. Donnie came almost instantly, squirting Leo under the chin and down his plastron.

Mikey immediately slump over, "oh thank God" he moaned.

Raph threw a towel at Leo, who used it to clean himself off. Not that he was overly concerned with the mess. Now he was worried about Donnie who was under some very cruel smiles from his other siblings.

Donnie pulled himself back into his slit before pouting at Raph, "really, squeezing the head? That’s low."

"Hey" Mikey said, putting more lube on his fingers and sliding them into Donnie's slit, "Raph did the same to me and I didn't cum".

Donnie moaned while Mikey stirred his fingers into him, Leo had a good view still crouched between his legs. Donnie’s tail twitched, tapping against his hand, instinctively rejecting the intrusion while he churred, calling Mikey into him.

"Here" Raph said, passing the lube back to Leo. "Help Mikey stretch him for us."

With shaking hands Leo took the lube. Dread filled him up. He pushed the thought away. This was different. Donnie wasn't tied down. He seemed to be enjoying it, not fighting it, apart from his tail.

He swallowed the thoughts down.

Leo lubed up his fingers, Raph stroked himself as Mikey pulled open Donnie slit. "Get your finger in here Leo" Mikey said.

His finger slid in without resistance, immediately sinking up to his last knuckle and causing Donnie to pant out. "Can I not even get a break before we do this" he moaned getting cut off by Mikey kissing him.

"And your second finger" Raph said, "really stretch him you two".

"A two minute break-" Donnie moaned out on shaky vocal chords, getting cut off by a churr as Leo's second finger pressed into him.

Mikey went in deeper causing Donnie to gasp out as his hand nearly disappeared into him. Donnie's legs spasmed, Leo's heart threatened to beat out of his chest.

He remembered them, pushing their whole hands into him.

"You like that Donnie?" Raph asked, still touching himself, slicking himself with lube.

_"You like that freak?"_

_"You like our hands?"_

Mikey used his other hand to push Leo's hand in deeper but he resisted. Donnie had Mikey's hand so deep inside him Mikey's thumb was resting on the bottom of Donnie's plastron. "Dude he can take it" Mikey assured feeling the way Leo was unwilling to move, "we need him nice and stretched for both me and Raph to fit."

It still seemed too extreme, then Donnie's hand blindly felt for Leos hand. He pushed Leo in himself.

He was going to be ill, feeling his last two knuckles stretch Donnie too far. Feeling his thumb rest on Donnie’s plastron. Pulsating around him he could feel Donnie’s racing heart.

Donnie yelled out, "oh god oh god oh god" he stammered. His entrance spasming around their hands "stop stop stop who ever is wiggling their fingers oh stop stop stop I'm going to, i'm going to-" his knees kept bouncing.

Leo could feel Mikey's fingers wiggling around. "Did that sound like legitimate begging?" Mikey asked them both.

He felt frozen. All he could think about were the men and their hands and how he had begged.

"Nah" Raph said, "come on, finger fuck him a little, we wants it, look at him."

_"Are you seriously trying to fist it?"_

“_Is it bleeding?”_

Mikey's fingers wiggled faster and Donnie cried out, his orgasm coming over him in waves as he spasmed around his brother's slick fingers, still held deep inside of him.

"He still owes us four orgasms right?" Mikey asked, removing his hand, Leo removed his own hand along with him leaving Donnie's tail to twitch as he fell back on his bed. Wet and stretched slit fully on display.

Leo moved out of the way, his hands were shaking violently.

"Nooo" he whined, "oh come on- Raph n-no, not four not four I'm going to d-die or s-something I'm not even in heat" he stammered as Raph positioned him so he was on his stomach, bent over the edge of the bed. "Raph" he gasped as the older turtle slid into him.

Then Mikey went to stand next to Raph, sliding his penis in as well. Donnie swore, "if you beg... we'll be satisfied with three" Raph said. Both him and Mikey had Donnie pressed to the bed with one of their hands. The other gripped either thigh keeping his legs spread.

Leo watched, growing more and more frozen. They started rocking in and out of Donnie. Alternating their thrusts, rocking the bed frame so hard it banged up against the wall all while Donnie panted and moaned he was begging them to stop and they weren't.

The room was loud, there was screaming. The bed frame thumped against the wall, reverberating off his head. The room was yellow, rain was hitting the windows. He was screaming they didn’t care.

He stumbled to his feet, limbs trembling, "stop it!" he yelled grabbing at Mikey and Raph. "He's begging you to stop!"

It dissolved from there. Crumbled. Shattered. Raph scowled, "the fuck is your problem?" he shouted, pulling out of Donnie and pushing Leo back.

Leo hit his hand away and moved back faster. He stumbled into Donnie's desk chair, his whole body felt wrong. Stiff and limp at the same time. He couldn't breathe right. "You're hurting him!" he yelled eyeing the door.

He felt trapped.

Raph exploded at being slapped away, "you say you want to be with us and then you tell us to leave you alone. You want us to touch you but you flinch every fucking time we do. You want us to show you how we love each other and you freak out-"

"He told you to stop!" Leo yelled again, why didn't they get it? This was wrong. He pointed at Donnie with a shaking arm.

Raph’s face fell, "are you shaking? Why are you shaking?" he asked lowering his voice and walking towards Leo.

Immediately Leo put distance between them, tripping over Donnie’s chair and hitting the rope braid rug. He scrambled to crawl away from Raph who hadn't even made a move for him. He was pulling his penis back into himself. Behind him Donnie was on all fours staring at Leo. Mikey was tucked away reaching for Raph’s elbow.

His shell hit the bookshelf, books, paperbacks fell down around him, he pulled his legs up to himself. "He was begging you to stop and you guys kept going that's not right that's-"

“Hey it's okay” Donnie whispered, crawling too close to him. Making his chest constrict.

“They were-” he pointed to Mikey and Raph, both for whatever reason were also on their hands and knees now.

“I understand that was a little overwhelming but I wanted that” Donnie said, inching closer.

Leo tried to move, but he put his hand on a paperback book and slipped, “you were screaming” he stammered, torn between making sure Donnie was okay and the voice telling him to run.

Donnie stopped moving, he swallowed. “If I was, it was in pleasure, I promise” he said lowering his voice even more. “Mikey and Raph weren't hurting me, overstimulating me, yes. Hurting me, no.”

“Why would we hurt Donnie?” Mikey asked, eyes wide. “We we're just making it fun.”

“He didn't sound like he was having fun” Leo snapped.

“The role play, they mean” Donnie said, drawing Leo’s attention back to him. “I was begging them to stop but I didn't actually want them to.”

Leo frowned, “That doesn't make sense… why- why, that’s horrible-”

“I like being held down by them” Donnie said, straining his voice. Like his nonsensical statement was crystal clear. “I like it, they weren't hurting me. I promise.”

“What would happen, what would happen if they were how would they know-”

“He would say Vegemite” Raph said, squinting at Leo like he was the crazy one. Like he was the one holding Donnie down.

He was screaming and they didn't stop.

He thought they could be trusted.

Mikey nodded, “because Vegemite is gross and turns everyone off.”

“Shut up this is serious” Raph hissed. “Vegemite is Donnie's safe word.”

“If I really needed them to stop I would say Vegemite and they would stop” Donnie said, having crawled closer when Leo was focused on staring at Raph. His whole body went cold, “the three of us have been together for two years, I have had that safe word for two years I have never had to use it. Raph and Mikey would never hurt me” Donnie said earnestly.

He edged closer.

“They would never hurt me or you, Leo” he whispered, reaching out to touch him, “none of us would hurt you-”

“I need, I need to be alone” he said pulling back, his voice shaking as hard as his limbs. On unsteady, uncooperative limbs he grabbed the door knob with his still lubed hands making it impossible to turn. The panic increased until he felt something land on him.

He jumped away from it.

It was a towel, Raph had tossed him a towel. They were all still on the ground and he just jumped three feet into the air because a towel touched him. His face burned as he picked it up and used it to turn the knob.

Leo tumbled out into the hall, into the bathroom and with violent shuddering locked the door, turned on both taps in the sink and the shower.

Then he vomited into the toilet.

~o~0~o~

When he woke up the next day... no, waking up implied he actually slept. He didn't sleep for a second. He stayed up, listened to them argue through the walls while still trying to piece together what went wrong.

A full blown yelling match he could barely hear over his own harsh breathing.

It was fairly obvious it was him who was wrong. His behavior was unacceptable. He was the problem. They had something good, he was the one ruining that.

On silent, tired feet he walked into the kitchen as their leader… and only their leader.

"Leo, how are you feeling?" Mikey asked, being the first one to notice him.

"Fine" he said curtly. Raph and Donnie both were looking at him with concern. "I think it is for the best if-"

"We messed up Leo, that was, Raph wanted us to not hold back" Mikey said standing up from the table making him uneasy. He absolutely could not handle contact in any form. "We didn't realize from the outside that must have been a little confusing."

There was nothing on the table either, they had all had breakfast and were waiting for him to wake up.

He was on the outside.

He would never be able to be intimate with them, even if his tail was fixed.

There was no compromise to be made. "I believe it is best if I stay just your brother, and stop being your mate" he said very plainly like his own heart wasn't shattering. Like he hadn't spent a good amount of time crying about this before getting to the point where he could say it with no emotions.

Immediately all their faces dropped. He wasn't even going to bother sitting down. His decision was final and his stomach still felt twisted up. Too twisted up for anything but maybe laying down.

"You're breaking up with us" Donnie asked in a tight wet voice, "because of what happened in my room-"

"Do you still love us?" Mikey asked.

"Yes" Leo said easily. "As brothers" he added when they looked hopeful. "I will always love you, we tried it out the other way, it's clearly not meant to be."

"So your breaking up with us?" Raph asked not even looking at him. "After less than a week?"

This was for them, to make their lives easier and Raph was acting insulted. "I would rather not waste your or my time on something that is not going to work out" he said, hoping they wouldn't realize he was paraphrasing a line from one of Master Splinter soap operas.

"Well this the worst day ever" Mikey said, "hey maybe I should watch that video today."

"Why?" Raph asked, "just forget it."

"I gotta know what they're doing to my brand" Mikey argued, "and since today can't get any worse now…" he said throwing Leo a resentful look.

"Alright, I'll help you remove the virus so we can watch it safely" Donnie sighed wiping something out of his eyes.

Raph frowned, "we? Since when do you want to watch it?"

"I am a curious mind Raphael, and I really, for once Mikey has a point about today".

"Fine, but I am telling you it's hyped" Raph snorted. "You gonna watch it too?" he asked and Leo froze.

Was he curious? Of course. He was also exhausted and he knew they were in pain, he wasn't aware they were so attached to him as a mate already that the break up actually upset them. "No, I think I am going to meditate, this hasn't been easy on me either".

"Then why do it?" Mikey asked, like Leo had anymore of a clue as to why he added the last part than they did. "You seem just as sad as we do so why are you-"

"Sometimes it is better to not delay the inevitable" Leo said, petting his arm and then abruptly stopping. Remembering how nice it was to feel them against him in the Dojo, even if it had been overwhelming. "What hurts to accept now, will only hurt more later on if we ignored it."


	4. Stage 4

_Standing on higher ground_

_When you hear the sounds_

_You realize it's just the wind_

_And you notice it matters_

_Who and what you let under your skin_

[“Line of Fire” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL6inz4WPhQ)\- Junip

* * *

**-Depression-**

* * *

His screams filled the living room and permeated his mind, the television screen was a portal into the past. A slightly younger version of himself was thrashing against the ropes. A man's fist was so far up him half his forearm was gone. His tail was crooked and limp, there was blood and shit on the man's arm. His head was thrown back arching against the intrusion so they couldn’t see his face or the wad of fabric that was shoved into his mouth.

He knew it was there. He could taste it. A hotel pillow case soaked with his own saliva, squeaking under his molars. Jaw clenched shut so tight his gums went numb. When they got tired of hearing him back talk, when they didn't believe him when he said he would skewer them all for what they were going to do. With a shift of his jaw and a quick tongue over smooth enamel the taste was gone. Only on the screen, no longer in his mouth.

Donnie fumbled for the remote somewhere in his peripheral vision but it was lost, he started frantically searching for it at the same time Mikey slid forward, almost tackled the TV and disconnected the wires attaching it to the computer. It all happened in slow motion, and his brothers froze when the screen went black.

There was a ringing noise. Loud, only in his head. He was a tuning fork, vibrating inside a whirl of white noise.

A calm washed over him as the black television screen reflected back at him Mikey's horrified face. Donnie still clutched a couch cushion, paused in his search for the no longer needed remote.

“Patrol in ten minutes” Leo said, uncaring of what they saw, he had walked into the living room just as Donnie started the video, it took a long time to get the virus off and they cut it close to patrol time. They turned to him, slowly, hesitantly, all shocked. They couldn't digest what they had seen and they didn’t understand how he could so easily not react. The truth was he didn’t swallow it, he spit it back out. Choked it up into his hands and tossed it into the back of his mind.

Donnie studied him, eyes flicking down to his crotch as if there was a man arm still there. “Leo-”

“Don't” he bit out harshly, “patrol in ten minutes, get ready or I'm leaving without you.”

He turned to leave but Raph was up and next to him. He grabbed his arm. It sent a wave of panic crashing into him but he clenched his jaw and turned to glare at his brother. “We ain't going anywhere until you fucking explain yourself” he hissed, urgency in his eyes. Glassy brown eyes that betrayed his angry voice.

Pity for the victim.

Pity for the thing tied up on the now dark screen.

He tried to yank his arm free. “Let go of me” he said lowly, cutting the air with the edge of his tongue. If he had to put his brother in his place he would. It couldn't be from a panic filled escape though. His heart hammered in his chest, his own screams repeated in his head, they struck the tuning fork again, harder, on the wall. The screen was black but the image was burned there.

“Raph” Donnie said, “let him go.”

“Not until he fucking tells us what's goin' on-”

“Raphael!” Donnie yelled voice growing higher, “let go of him now!”

Instead Raph glared towards Donnie and he tightened his grip, his mouth opened to yell and Leo reacted to something else. The fear he was trying to push down broke through and landed in an uppercut to Raph's face and a kick so strong it sent him colliding into the recliner. The chair and Raph toppled onto the floor with a loud crash. Metal base scraping on the stone floor with a nails on a chalkboard like effect.

Leo took a few steps back keeping his face emotionless, swallowing the tight feeling in his throat all the way down to his even tighter stomach.

He was trembling, Donnie ran over to Raph who was already getting up. Raph brushed Donnie away and looked at Leo, blood was dripping out of his nostrils. Donnie and Mikey were looking at him like they were scared. The room was loud. No one was talking but the room was loud. Blood was rushing in his ears only broken up my the drum in his chest.

He didn't remember pulling his katanas out.

Now they were pointed at his family.

Quickly he pointed them down, horrified that they were on the other end for even a moment. 

“Leo” Donnie said quietly, calm and surreal. A pillar in a hailstorm, “we're going to stay over here. You are free to do whatever you want. You can stay, or we can talk, or you can leave. No one is going to force you to do anything you-”

“Stop talking to me like that” he said with a stony face. “Drop the act, you were never a good liar Donatello. You're scared of me.”

They tensed, all except Raph, who instinctively put himself slightly in front of Mikey and Donnie. Ready to defend them in a second.

_ You're the monster now, look at them, cowering away from you. _

“Should we be scared of you?” Raph asked, eyes glued to him.

It was the turn around he hadn’t expected. Last night it had been him on the floor frantically trying to escape them with terror in his chest and now he was the one who sent Raph to the floor for grabbing his arm. “That depends” he said lowly.

Every part of him needed to get away. Leave, run. Anxiety rose up, fingers danced on the insides of his thighs. The hum was louder. His chest hurt, a tight jab followed every heartbeat.

“You look scared” Raph said.

He wanted to scream that he was scared, they were treating him like the monster. The monsters were on the television screen, they were in his head. “I'm not” he said, equally as certain as Raph’s observation.

It was at this point that Mikey wiped his face, “is this why you got scared last night? Did- did you think we were doing to Donnie what they did t-to you?” he asked nothing short of actually crying. Something that made Donnie immediately rub his shoulders in a comforting manner.

A manner in which he himself so secretly craved but could never have. They stared at him while his throat closed, while he watched Donnie’s hands grip and hold Mikey’s shoulders. How he couldn’t have that ever, because he flinches, and he reacts violently.

All because of those sadistic men, and what they did.

They stole this from him.

“They didn't do anything to me!” he yelled, and in the two seconds it took to actually yell that Donnie didn’t fall for it.

“Leo…” he breathed out, and his name is drenched in pity. All of them pitied him.

“Stop, you guys are all making this into something it isn't” he reprimanded, condescended to emphasize how ridiculous they were being. “It happened a long time ago” he said pointing to the screen quickly to hide the intense shaking.

_ So long ago that I should be over it. _

_ It shouldn’t make me feel this way anymore. _

Donnie’s face fell, “… before you went off to Central America” he said quietly.

“It's in the past. I'm better now” he said, because it was true. All injuries healed. He clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to work the blood back into his cold hands. Trying to convince himself to stand his ground.

Raph had been pinching the space between his eyes, he looked up at this remark. “Yeah, we saw that last night first hand” he said airily, sarcastically.

The tuning fork struck the wall again.

“All the signs were there. I saw the signs but I didn't…” Donnie mumbled, “I couldn't imagine any scenario in which you were raped.”

“It wasn't rape! I wasn't raped!” he yelled, feeling the air thin. He was not a rape victim. He was not. He couldn’t be. They couldn’t know.

The great and powerful Leonardo... tied to a bed and raped. He could practically hear Raph's thoughts. How weak he had been, how weak he still was.

“Leo-” Mikey croaked, getting up and starting to walk towards him. Raph held him back, Leo felt a pang of guilt knowing it was because he might hurt Mikey. That was the protector in Raph, keeping his mate away from the threat with two katanas.

“They tied you down, they, Leo that is clearly rape-” Donnie said sadly.

“Thank you Donnie, I know what happened, I was there” he said cruelly immediately causing his most gentle brother to avert his eyes to the floor. “Don't use this to twist what happened last night into something else. I wasn't raped.”

_ Look at their faces. _

_ Now they know you’re a rape victim. _

Raph was still staring at him, most likely disgusted by his leader. “Then what happened last night-” he asked.

They were all disgusted with him.

He was used.

He was dirty, impure. Raped on a dirty hotel bed, broken tail, can’t have an erection. Can’t be touched. He was broken.

“We tried, I didn't like it” he said tightly, the shame of it all creeping up on him. Not only was he broken he was a broken gear that threatened to destroy the whole machine.

He would break them by being around.

_ “You like this turtle man?” _

His stomach hurt and clenched. His breath stank, he could smell it. Hot and pungent and rolling over his face and neck. Sending his whole body into a small shiver.

Donnie was closer to him than he realized, having come over to him while he was thinking. “Leo you’re doing that thing again-”

Every cell was electrified, he took a few steps back and this time his breathing wasn't calm and surreal. He was three seconds away from a flashback and Donnie was staring down his sword. “Stay away from me” he ordered. “All of you.”

Not once did his eyes leave Donnie’s, yet Donnie only looked back at him with sorrow. His mouth quivered, his hazel eye were glossy and large.

“Yeah, you seem totally fine-” Raph started.

Donnie pushed his sword down, no fear of losing a hand to his deranged brother. “Leo, I'm so sorry, I had my suspicions and I knew I should have just confronted you. I know this is not the way you wanted us to find out-” he stammered, holding his chest with his other hand and taking another step forward.

“None of you we're supposed to find out!” he yelled.

Donnie flinched.

He was breathing harder. It was getting harder to breathe, his family was staring at him, anxious to see what the broken thing would do next. “I'm going for a run, alone. W-when I get back we can talk about the video and whether or not it's a threat to our existence or if our enemies could use it in a nefarious way.”

With that, he walked up the stairs on rubbery legs, pulled the lever to open the door and hit the sewers running. The last thing he heard was Mikey calling for him to wait.

He couldn’t though.

He ran as fast as he could, until he tripped over his legs and couldn’t breathe. Until the arm was up him again, quickly thrusting in and out. Phantom pain radiated up his spine.

He hoped he had ran far enough from home to keep them from hearing his sobs. He kept his hand clamped over his mouth, so hard it hurt.

_ You can never go back. _

_ They know. _

_ They hate you. _

He started getting sick on himself. Braced on his hands and knees in cold sewage. He started puking in a violent manner, one that would have him sore in the shoulders and neck long after everything was up.

It had never been this bad, not to this extent. He could always calm himself down from a panic attack. Not this time. No matter how much he told himself it wasn't actually happening it didn't change the fact that it felt like it was happening.

He could feel the stretching, the tearing. He tried to clench his tail up against himself but he was met with a sharp pain and no movement. He hiccuped under harsh breathing and watering eyes. Not enough air, aspirating spit and bile while desperately trying to breathe.

"Over here!" Raph yelled down the tunnel. "I got 'im."

He remembered being certain he was going to die. To think that one arm hadn't even been the worst part.

Raph's hand rested lightly on his back as another wave of sick washed up his throat and into the tunnel floor. They were both kneeling in dirty water. Strings of phlegm and snot trailed out of his nose. He shook hard, the cold water stung his hands.

Foot falls echoed, getting closer until he was surrounded by his brothers. Raph gently rubbed the center of his back, it seemed impossible to catch his breath. "What do we do now?" Mikey whispered.

He felt another hand rest on his back, then another. "This" Donnie said quietly. "Just this."

Tears fell down his face. Caught between the sensation of love and support radiating from their hands and the arm up his cloaca. He wanted so badly for it to stop, he wanted to tell them. He wanted to tell them before, before the video.

"Is this why you said ta follow him?" Raph murmured under Leo's hard breathing.

"Yes" Donnie said. "I could see he was getting close to one before he bolted."

"Close to what?" Mikey asked.

"A panic attack" Donnie said. They tuck in a little closer to him, until Raph had a hand on his back and one on his left shoulder. Mikey did the same thing on the other side only he had his head pressed against the top of his shell.

Donnie slowly moved to be in front, any other time he would have been suffocated. He was surrounded on all sides, he couldn't breathe. The air was thin and cold and he wasn't in control of his body anymore. He sucked in cold horrible smelling air like his windpipe was as narrow as a straw.

His brother's gentle hand felt the pulse on his neck. "Is there anything we can do-" Raph started.

"No, we just need to stay with him" Donnie said, keeping his fingers pressed to Leo's fluttering pulse. "We're all just going to ride it out" he said quietly.

~o~0~o~

After such an exhausting episode, Raph and Mikey supported him physically on the way at back home. He hadn't traveled very far before collapsing, so they were home rather quickly.

In a haze, they cleaned themselves up and it felt like everything just rubber banded him to the quite surreal moment he was in. He was sitting on a fluffy towel on his legs staring off at the closed bathroom door. He felt clean, his gear was removed. Somewhere in his mind the vague memory of Donnie prompting him to undress floated up, along with the memory of his brothers being sent to the other bathroom. There was a towel draped over his shoulders. Like someone had helped him rinse off the puke and dirt.

Donnie was leaned over the tub whipping the water with his hand, when he pulled it out there was suds sticking to his arm. He stared sadly at the water while Leo moved his tongue, feeling his dry mouth. His brother's eyes dart to him, glassy and red.

"Leo, I'm just making you a bath" he explained, his voice was stuffy. Leo wondered why he sounded like he had been crying.

He nodded, he knew he zoned out. He knew that the fact that he zoned out after his episode in the sewers completely undid everything about him being okay. The flashback made all the yelling in the living room null. He would never be able to scrub the pity from their faces.

They knew he was busted.

It was the worst feeling in the world.

Donnie wanted to touch him, he could see it. The hesitant brown eyes of his combed over Leo's face, waiting for a small indication that he wanted to be held. Which was the exact reason why he showed nothing. If he couldn't be brave and put up a believable act then he was nothing.

A husk.

The water reached whatever level Donnie deemed satisfactory, he turned off the faucet. He helped Leo stand up, he removed his towel.

The water was hot, stepping into it stung his legs but he quickly found it comforting as he lowered his tense body down. Donnie stayed close by and not relaxing until Leo was so completely in the tub.

Donnie dipped a washcloth into the water, standing on his knees next to the tub. With tired eyes he watched his brother move, gently Donnie took his hands and the touch didn't make him flinch. He let Donnie bring his hand above the water. He took the soapy washcloth and scrubbed his nails and cuticles. Getting all the dirt and grime off him while squeezing his hand, massaging it until it was limp before moving on to the next one.

"My door is always open" Donnie whispered, working on his second hand. "You can just come in if you ever want to talk, about anything. Anything at all."

Donnie was crying, his voice nearly gave him away but the shake in the finger pressing the washcloth under Leo's nail really did. If he had any emotions he would have said something.

"It doesn't have to be me, I know for a fact that Mikey and Raph feel the same" he continued, not looking Leo in the eye. "And I know Raph is rough around the edges but he loves you. He really loves you and it's hard to-"

Donnie couldn't continue, he bit his own lip.

_It's hard to know I'm a rape victim._

If he was anything but hollow he would explain. That they were good and healthy, but he was a disease. They didn't need to be weighed down by him.

~o~0~o~

There were no words that would help him fix this so he kept his mouth shut. Laying in bed under his covers he realized Donnie left his door cracked open. Probably some sign that they weren't closing him off from them. That he was welcome to come speak with them at any moment.

It had been a few hours. He could hear the TV downstairs, playing a violent movie. He didn't know if he could enter the living room without hearing his own screams.

He was so determined to avoid them that he decided to drink water out of the bathroom sink rather than risk walking into the kitchen. Their eyes would be on him. Watching him, thinking about the video.

Humiliating.

Rubbing cold water over his face like he could wash away the shame of having his most private areas displayed to millions of people. Anyone who watched that video, even if they thought it was CGI, they still saw.

It hurt in a way he couldn't describe.

Anonymous humiliation.

_No, framed humiliation. The world thinks Cowabunga Carl was raped. Mikey is going to leave behind quite the legacy because of me._

He didn't look good, he looked tired and he felt tired. Dark circles pooled under his brown eyes, the whites of his eyes were red and agitated looking.

He laid back down in bed, placed the covers over his head and cupped his right hand around the back of his tail. Not pressing, just protecting that little part of himself. The only way he could reassure himself that there was nothing pushing into him. The only hand on his tail was his own.

With that knowledge he curled his legs up, hugged his middle with his left arm and chewed his lips. He tried not to cry, it happened anyway.

It had to be silent, even though he closed his door he had to be silent. His breath filled the pocket of blankets he was in, warm and almost comforting. Almost like he wasn't completely alone.

That was how he fell asleep, and when he woke up his door was cracked open again and there was a new glass of water on his nightstand. Someone had gone into his room to check on him.

Despite the wish that they would just leave him alone, he drank the water. Still cold, so it was recently poured from the pitcher in the fridge. He was hungry and sick at the same time. Ironically he had a small breakfast given the events of yesterday, light as in he had tea and a cup of applesauce. He had hoped after a calm uneventful day he would have an appetite for dinner.

With a growling stomach he slowly made his way down the hall. Listening as he always did.

Mikey's door was shut tight, so was Raph's, and so was Donnie's.

_So what was the point of keeping my door open?_

Still keeping silent, not daring to wake anyone when his face probably still looked swollen and raw from his sobbing.

As he made his way to the kitchen, hoping to quietly warm up some broth. He saw Donnie's lab and work area, which also doubled as the area where he took care of injuries, had light pouring into the hall.

And he heard sobbing.

Concerned, he edged forward keeping himself covered in the darkness, out of sight as he peaked into Donnie's area to see his brother sobbing in his chair. His arms were locked around Raph who was cradling the back of his head. Standing in front of the inconsolable turtle.

“You need to stop watching the video Donnie” Raph said, “it ain't healthy.”

“I n-need to know what they did to him” Donnie sobbed into Raph's chest. Clawing at his arms. “I, someone should be doing something.”

“I know, I know” Raph said quietly. “But you stayin’ up re-watching this video isn't gonna help.”

His stomach clenched at the idea of Donnie watching the whole video.

“You're watchin’ it ta punish yourself” Raph said.

“I deserve it then!” Donnie wailed. “I knew two years ago there was something really wrong with him! I knew! I didn't say anything! This is my fault Raph! I could have helped him!”

Raph hushed him an bent his head forward. More words were mumbled very quietly between them but Leo didn't dare press his luck getting any closer to hear.

“You don't think Master Splinter sent him away because he was dealing with the aftermath of being raped do ya?” Raph asked loud enough for Leo to hear as he raised his head.

“I think that's exactly what he did” Donnie sneered. “No fucking compassion for Leo when there was obviously something wrong and now Leo won't talk to any of us.”

“He'll be okay, we'll do the things you said” Raph said rubbing Donnie's back. “He'll come around.”

_The things?_

“And we'll fix this okay?” Raph said, trying to comfort Donnie further.

Leo suddenly wasn't hungry anymore, he went back to his room, closed his door tight and decided to meditate.

~o~0~o~

Despite his best efforts to get up, laying in bed wavering between sleep and times where he needed to protect his tail was so much easier. Somehow, his brothers did not allow this.

He was able to spend four days in a cycle of sleep and horrible thoughts. It just played over and over in his head. How weak he was to get caught. How could he lead his brothers if he was paralyzed by his own past?

Sleep wasn't an escape either.

Sometimes the dreams were about the hotel room, sometimes they were about Central America and the paranoia he experienced there and the fear that his brothers would send him away. He would send himself into a panic at the idea of leaving. He felt at least slightly safe in his home with his brothers.

_Now that they know I'm so weak they'll protect me._

From what he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he is so scared of but now that the video had been seen by everyone he wondered how many of those millions of people were maybe turned on by it. How many other monsters we're out there.

The idea made his stomach clench, the idea of people maybe seeing him split open like that and… enjoying it.

It was so much easier to just stay in his room. Only coming out when his brothers were asleep.

Of course Donnie wasn't going to let that slide. He came in with a meal shake. Leo could smell it, that was how hungry he was. It immediately made his stomach ache and his mouth water.

For whatever reason he didn't feel very deserving of food.

“Leo” Donnie said almost devoid of all emotion, standing next to his bed. “Sit up, drink this.”

He didn't move. He didn't want to be tempted with food.

“Leo” Donnie said sitting down on his bed. “Please.”

_Go away._

His brother didn't. He put the glass on the table and then he did something Leo really couldn't handle.

Donnie started sobbing, quietly, he sat hunched over on Leo's bed holding his face. It poured out of him in shudders and it kicked Leo into action.

Crying younger sibling? Nope, not allowed. Older brother instincts override self pity in a heart beat. Hearing the painful sobs emanating from Donnie, the sound seemed to stab into Leo like a shiv made of salt.

Leo sat up and pulled Donnie to his chest only to be startled when his brother grabbed him almost desperately. Wrapping his arms around Leo’s shell and pressing his face into his neck. His whole body went rigid not expecting the sudden embrace.

Quickly Donnie released him and palmed the tears out of his eyes, “I'm sorry I, I forgot” he stuttered still sobbing.

Leo reached out to him to pull him back because the hug felt scary at first but he wanted to be hugged.

He wanted to be held.

His mouth wouldn't move, the words wouldn't form.

His brother was standing and heading towards the door, “I'm s-so sorry” he stammered leaving Leo's room, not looking back.

Leaving Leo sat up in his bed with his arm still reaching for the door and his heart in his throat.

No, no, no, he had to get to Donnie.

Donnie wasn't okay he tried to get up his vision went out and he hit the floor of his room hard.

His head was pounding and the room was rocking.

_Donnie doesn't need you._

_You're making everything worse._

_You're weak._

_A burden._

Pushing himself off the floor he crawled to the only source of food he had seen in days. He had been so hungry. This was what Donnie had brought in for him, he guzzled it down fast. It had tasted so good. Obviously Mikey had made that, he was really good at making good hardy shakes taste amazing. The burn in his gut was replaced with a soothing full.

The good feeling of actually eating lasted all of a second.

He went to the bathroom and forced himself to bring it back up. He didn't deserve food. He punched his plastron and used his fingers to prod the back of his throat until it was all up. Until his esophagus burned and his stomach felt completely spent.

Standing up he flushed the toilet, blew his nose, washed his face, shut his door and shut out the world.

For two days he purged any food they brought him.

He purged water too.

There was no point in trying to fight this, he was better off dead.

~o~0~o~

Something possessed him to go back, something dragged him out of bed and put his gear on. He was a marionette puppet, guided and pulled by the ropes ghosting over his wrists and ankles. They were watching TV when he left, they were sitting in the living room watching that video, the one that the whole world had seen. Feeding each other popcorn and laughing at his screams. They laughed at how weak he was, they cringed with embarrassment at his crying. What was he screaming for, it wasn't that bad. What a wimp.

They didn’t know he was there but strangely enough he didn’t feel anything about that, he traveled by foot down the sidewalks, the air was warm and hot. His skin was sweaty and sticky and every breath was warm. The air was thick as velvet with humidity.

He walked in the front door of the hotel, into the lobby and past all the people. His feet dragged on the floor as he walked up the red carpeted staircase until he was at the top level. It was hard to breathe, the air was so thick. There were people in the halls they didn’t seem to mind him as he walked down the hall to the last room on the left.

When he opened the door they pulled him in, all three of them. Covered in blood and their hands grabbed at him, pushed him towards the bed. Two of them held him down, the fat one laid himself over his plastron, pinning him to the bed while the skinny one with shaky hands tied his hand to the bed frame.

He tried to scream, he tried to move but his limbs were limp. He yelled at the top of his lunges and no words came out. All his limbs were tied to the frame holding him open. They grabbed his tail and Leo moved it away, tried to clench it as tight as he could but they pull it away from him anyways.

As hard as he tried to move he couldn’t, they touched his slit he screamed but the thick air muffled his voice as if he was yelling in a vacuum.

With a start he leapt out of his bed. His sheet soaked with sweat, his body trembling as he took in the dark but comforting feel of his own bedroom. Slowly with deep dizzying breaths he was able to calm down enough to stand up straight. He used the wall to get to the door and then he kept a hand on the wall as he walked to the bathroom.

Not that he was going to drink water, but he could swirl some cold water around in his mouth and gargle some mouth wash. Anything to get the taste of that gag out of his mouth. He worked quietly, his brothers should be in bed but he didn’t have a firm grasp on their schedules.

He didn’t have a firm grasp on anything.

Cleaning his face transitioned naturally into splashing water onto his neck. There was sweat caked on him and while his vision was unfocused in his half dazed mind the feeling of being dirty was far more problematic than two days of not keeping any fluids down. Slowly he used a wet towel to give himself a very poorly executed sponge bath.

Afterward his hand fumbled with the medicine cabinet, his fingers grazed the large bottle of Tylenol on the shelf. Fleetingly he wondered how many he would need to take to kill himself. Surely a full bottle would be enough to kill him, he lifted the bottle and slowly brought it closer to himself.

Not that he was going to do it, he still unscrewed the cap and poured twenty or so into his palm. There was more than enough still in the bottle. The oblong white capsule glowed in the fluorescent bathroom light. It would be easier than slowly starving himself to death.

He could just stop wasting everyone's time and get it over with.

“You aren’t suppose to take those on an empty stomach” Mikey said standing in the doorway. “Like it’s not good for your stomach or something, I don’t know, I just know Donnie always goes off about it ya know? He says ‘Okay fine Michelangelo’ and he uses my full name too because that’s what he does when he’s on his high horse, ‘take that pain medication on an empty stomach, but don’t even think about complaining to me when your head ache turns into a stomach ache’ and I go ‘Yeah well you smell bad’, because I have a headache and I can’t think of something better to say. And then I take the pills and get a stomach ache and then I complain to spite Donnie because well you can lead a turtle to pain pills but you can’t make him eat first.”

Leo stood frozen, staring at Mikey with his hand full of pills.

Pills that he had almost tossed down-

No, he wouldn’t have. No, he… he wasn’t like that.

He guessed he hadn’t closed the door all the way, Mikey must have opened it on accident and saw the Tylenol and assumed the best of Leo when really he was in the bathroom considering that option.

Mikey rocked on the balls of his feet before coming in, he took Leo’s hands and helped tipped all but two of the pills back into their container. He capped the bottle and put it away closing the medicine cabinet.

“I’ll make you something to eat” he said, taking the pills out of his hand and then very gently gripping his wrist.

Still in a daze he allowed Mikey to lead him out of the bathroom and downstairs to the kitchen, he even pulled out a chair for Leo to sit in. He set the pills on the counter out of his reach, adamant in his quest to make Leo eat something first. He blinked, willing his tired and fatigued eyes to focus but everything was blurry.

“I made this awesome soup earlier, it’s a vegetable soup and it’s all vegetables. Normally I’d be like 'ew vegetables' but now with your soft food diet I have been trying out all these new recipes and I think this one is going to be a weekly staple” Mikey said placing a pot on the stove and pouring the soup from it’s Tupperware container. “Its flavor is enhanced by saltine crackers but I know you can’t do crackers unless you drink like a legitimate gallon of water, so maybe we just hold the crackers but soup is salty so you should drink a glass of water too.”

Leo blinked, he would talk but he knew his voice was rough and gravelly from both the thirst and all the induced vomiting. There was something unspoken in the way Mikey was looking at him, acting like this was okay. Acting like Leo hadn’t spent the past six days in bed slowly and steadily sinking further and further down into the horrors in his own head.

“Maybe try and keep it down this time too” Mikey added quieter, his face flickering just a little.

If he wasn’t so dead inside he might try to throw an excuse back, something to throw Mikey off. Yet, he knew as he watched his younger brother turn around to stir the leftover soup, that Mikey knew exactly what he had almost walked in on.

The idea that he was perhaps a few minutes away from downing fifty Tylenol and then tucking himself in for a nap he would never wake up from made him look down. Shame trickled down his spine. Suicide was a dishonorable and selfish act. To leave his family without their leader, without the head of the household.

_Yes because you have been such a good head of the house laying in bed for six days._

A glass of water was pushed towards him, cold water had never looked so good. Carefully he dragged the water glass closer to him, letting in vibrate over the wood on the table until he lifted it to his lips taking a small sip.

It burned his raw throat going down, it forced his eyes shut as his sandpaper lined esophagus protested the very act of swallowing.

His body craved water, like a relapsing drug addict he took another sip not very long after. When the water was gone Mikey ladled up a bowl of steamy soup and refilled his water glass. It was time to fix the facade, he would have this meal and this water then slip away to the bathroom and undo it.

The scent of the soup made his mouth salivate as the steam seemed to come up in waves to lick his cold face, still very slightly moist from his sponge bath. “What are you doing up so late?” he asked, his voice did not sound good at all. It was crackling and broken. Raw and it held no energy.

Mikey didn’t comment on that, he propped his head on his hand with his elbow on the table like Master Splinter doesn’t like. “Oh there’s an Alien movie marathon on and I couldn’t fall asleep so…” he shrugged fingering the grain of the table with his nail. “I just got past the scene in the second one with the creepy little girl? You know the scene right? It’s classic, she says ‘they mostly come at night, mostly’ chills every time dude. I mean say what you will about ‘Aliens’ I mean maybe it’s not as good as its predecessor ‘Alien’ but come on the two most iconic lines in movie history are said within twenty seconds of each other. ‘It’s game over man, game over’ and ‘they mostly come at night, mostly’ man I love ‘Aliens’” he said full of enthusiasm. “You like the soup? It’s good right?”

Leo had all but managed to take one bite before Mikey asked, as he had to blow on it a lot to cool it off. The hot, delicious tasting soup was heavenly, he nodded already working on his next spoonful. “Sure you won’t get nightmares?” Leo asked.

Mikey batted his hand, “nah, I’m not little anymore” he said, then paused biting his lip, “but uh, I might be keeping my lights on tonight if you catch my drift, have you seen ‘Alien 3’?” he asked, when Leo shook his head Mikey dropped his jaw, “you have got to watch it with me it’s wild!”

While Leo ate, Mikey explained the convoluted plot of Alien 3. He never complained once about how long it took Leo to eat, he just kept finding new tangents to ramble about. Leo was concerned that he might wake their siblings but no one came to investigate. It was curious since Mikey was definitely talking loud enough that two ninjas would hear them.

When he finished his soup he stood up gripping the edge of the table, now he had to go to the bathroom and bring every thing he ate and drank back up.

That was when Mikey grabbed him a little unexpectedly, Leo jerked at the sudden grasp and his brother quickly released but didn’t step back. “Please?” he asked, his light blue eyes bore into Leo’s until he relented allowing himself to be lead to the living room. Mikey wasted no time setting them both up on the couch under a blanket.

Leo shifted his body but sitting on the couch wasn’t comfortable, Mikey noticed.

“Here” he said, he tipped Leo over so he was laying on his side and then positioned himself so Leo could rest his cheek on Mikey’s bare thigh. Mikey took the blanket and threw it over Leo resting his arm over the length of Leo’s shell. “You can have the blanket you feel chilly and I was mostly using it to uh… protect me from the aliens” he admitted.

Any hope of protesting the situation fell flat with the weight of Mikey’s arm over him and the extreme sense of safety that encircled him. He was reminded about what Donnie had said about love being this unexplained sensation of coming home after a long day.

Leo seemed to have only long days.

A commercial for jewelry played, then soap, then a few other household products and he sank further into the couch. With his face pressed to Mikey’s thigh. If he let the situation continue he might give Mikey the wrong idea. He broke up with them and now he was in a very intimate position with his brother.

There was nothing to fight though, it was passive. Mikey’s hand didn’t venture, they were passively together on the couch watching aliens terrorize people. The few times that Leo dared look up at Mikey his eyes were only on the screen.

He allowed himself to feel safe for the first time in a very long time, there was nothing wrong about the situation. They weren’t doing anything. He almost felt like in the security of Mikey’s one arm he could doze off. He could ignore the urge to go throw up and he could silence the voice that told him he didn’t deserve food.

He wanted this.

He wanted this so badly it wasn’t until Mikey had physically pushed him into it that he realized he wanted so much for some safety without any burden on his part. Mikey wasn’t asking for anything in return, he was giving Leo support with no strings.

Leo could never repay his brothers, he thought intimacy would garner him this which was why he was so eager to show them he could have sex. So they would hug and kiss him and love him and all he had to do was find a way to survive sex. Now Mikey was giving him this physical reassurance with nothing in return.

_Because he cares about me._

Donnie watches the tapes over and over again because he cares.

Raph is confrontation about his obvious lies because he cares.

Mikey gently pushes his limits because he cares.

Somehow he went from staring down a bottle of pills an hour ago to having movie time with Mikey. There was no disgust on his brother’s face either, he just wanted Leo to watch Alien 3 with him on the couch.

He bit the inside of his lip, he needed to get up and go back to his own bed. He shouldn’t be up forcing Mikey to hold his hand. He was their leader, this horrible behavior was uncalled for.

As if he could read Leo’s thoughts Mikey spoke up during the commercial break, “you have nightmares still?” he asked.

The answer was fairly obvious, “yes” he said.

“Remember when I was really little, I would watch ‘The Twilight Zone’ and get freaked out?” he asked.

Leo thought back to the days of being seven and waking up to Mikey crawling into his bed. Too scared to wake up Master Splinter because he would be reprimanded for watching things that give him nightmares, so he would seek out the bed of his eldest sibling.

“Remember what you’d do?” he asked.

He rubbed his forearms nervously, not sure where Mikey was going to go with this.

Mikey shifted, his arm ran along the edge of his shell making Leo clench up. The touch was at first hard to accept, but Mikey continued resting his other hand on top of Leo’s head. “You’d hug me and ask me if I had a nightmare” Mikey whispered.

He had to keep his eyes closed, he was strangely focused on Mikey’s hand running up and down his shell. It felt... nice, safe.

“And then you would say ‘you have to tell me what the nightmare is so you won’t have it again’ and then I would tell you what my nightmare was” he continued, “and then I’d stay in bed with you and I wouldn’t have another nightmare all night.”

No, he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

“Come on bro” Mikey said gripping his shell through the blanket, “I owe it to you anyways for all the rough nights you got me through."

“It’s not a nightmare if it actually happened” he said on a tight throat.

What happened to him was real, it wasn’t his over active imagination… it was a real thing that he experienced. What he went through wasn't an irrational fear that the weird cracks in the walls were giant spider legs. A man shoved their arm up his cloaca and mocked him for screaming.

Mikey was relentless, “you could still tell me” he said. “And maybe it won’t make the nightmare go away but if you keep holding what happened inside you, you’re just going to keep suffering.”

He wanted to say it so badly.

“You can’t keep holding on to hot coals expecting them to turn into ice cubes Leo” his voice was so calm. How was Mikey this calm? “You gotta drop them.”

It made his throat tight, to say it out loud, to admit it would mean he could never take it back.

He took a staggering breath, one that made Mikey hold him tighter just because. The night swam to the surface of his mind, he felt like he was pulling out a file from a dusty cabinet. Filling his lungs and throat with suffocating dust.

“I woke up that day with a fever” he said, he stared at the TV that Mikey had muted. He stared at the black frame as he very vaguely recalled the beginning of that horrible day. “I didn’t think it was so bad, I went for a run, it started to rain but I didn’t go home. I don’t remember why I stayed out in the rain.”

Mikey nodded, Leo could see it in the corner of his vision.

“It started hailing, I was tired and I was cold, I found cover on the roof of that hotel I-” his throat felt tight. He swallowed, “I heard screaming, I decided to pick the lock and go intervene.”

_What a dumb decision that was._

“There- there were- there was a guy- they had a guy tied- I can’t, I can’t do this” he stuttered blinking away the tears before they could fall out of him.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay” Mikey soothed. “So you were sick and you got caught in a storm and then you heard someone in trouble.”

Leo nodded.

“So then what did you do?”

“I-” he swallowed again, trying to rid his throat of a pressure he couldn’t explain.

Mikey rubbed his shell, “don’t talk about the guys, just what did you do after you got inside the hotel?”

“I knocked on the door, or I picked the lock, I don’t remember” he admitted. The details of how he got in the room were fuzzy, so far repressed even he couldn’t retrace those steps. The hotel room existed as it’s own separate thing. The world around it was a haze.

Mikey kept nodding, he kept rubbing his shell and Leo kept staring at parts of the television. Everything but the screen.

“There were two guys, I, they were like the people we usually run into” he explained, “no real fighting skills. I took them down very fast but I didn’t- I didn’t know there was a third guy.”

_I was so stupid._

“I just, I remember the guy on the bed, and I remember being shocked because a lot of times in that kind of scenario it’s a woman but this was a kid” he said haunted. Remembering the tear streaked face of the young man tied to the bed, the one that would later wind up in seven separate pieces in the bathtub. He shuddered “I, I couldn’t save him, I tried, I tried but I didn’t know about the third guy and he hit me over the head, I didn’t even hear him I should have heard him I should have been more alert-”

“You were sick” Mikey whispered, “Leo I remember, you passed out in the shower-”

“I passed out because I tried to set my own tail” he said, the memory if that was also blurry. A distant thing. He remembered the pain. “I messed that up too.”

Mikey shook his head, “no you had a really high fever, you were so sick Leo I was right there with Donnie I remember because you never get sick and you were miserable. You didn’t hear him because your body was fighting off a really nasty bug, dude.”

Leo shook his head, no it was his fault, he made so many wrong steps that day.

“You weren’t at your best, you were probably freezing your shell off, exhausted from your run, and getting sick as a dog” Mikey explained, “you had so much working against you."

His eyes burned, he started to cry on Mikey’s thigh. His brother didn’t care, he let Leo cover his face with one hand absolutely humiliated to be crying on Mikey for telling him it wasn’t his fault.

“What happened when you came to?” Mikey asked.

They were going all the way apparently, Leo didn’t think he could handle telling Mikey everything. Not the worst part, not about waking up tied to the bed. He stayed silent, he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t even think about it without going back there. Without feeling it all over again.

“I’m right here Leo” Mikey said, piercing through the fog that threatened to suffocate him. “So take a deep breath okay because I’m here for you.”

Somehow, that worked.

It took so much will to think back to what happened when he woke up.

“I was tied to the bed already” he said, somewhat into his hand.

He remembered the initial fear, how he woke up exposed but quickly realized they would probably just beat him or try to sell him. Or they were going to leave him there.

He didn’t think they would do what they did to him.

He had been so naive.

“I don’t remember their names, they were on the news once but they never called each other anything I don’t think” he said, it was hard to think so he focused on his brother’s presence next to him. Mikey nodded again, the only thing he could do to show Leo that he was following him down this dark road.

“They were mad” he explained, trying to remember what happened before they actually started… touching him. “I ruined what they were doing. They started- they started to- I thought at first because I’m a mutant they were touching me because I was-”

No, he could feel their hands petting his skin. They were morbidly fascinated with him and of course he tried to move away he did not enjoy the sensual touching. He was not some thing to be fondled. That seemed to make them touch him more, and smile cruelly at his discomfort.

It made his body tremble to think about it, Mikey picked up on this, soothingly rubbing his shell. The only real safe place Leo had on him.

“I didn’t- I didn’t think they would” he shuddered, the memory was so raw. It was somehow still fresh. The violation of it. He had never been penetrated, he had never felt that before. It had been so terrifying.

More tears fell out of him, his face burned as he sucked in air.

“They raped me” he sobbed out, completely broken.

He curled his knees up to his chest and kept covering his face with one hand, like this wasn't the second lowest moment in his life. He gripped the blanket around him with the other and Mikey covered him with his body. As if he could shield Leo from the fact that everything was caving in.

“I can still feel there hands inside me” he sobbed, squirming to get closer to his brother, to be further protected. “I f-feel them all the time, I keep hearing the things they said.”

“Oh Leo” Mikey breathed sadly, squeezing his upper body. 

Words failed him, he sobbed more. Struggling to keep his grasp on the moment, so terrified of what he admitted. “I’m s-so sorry” he cried against Mikey’s thigh.

“Leo it wasn’t your fault” Mikey whispered.

“That night, in the bedroom I-”

Mikey hushed him, “Leo, we know. We don’t blame you, you have nothing to apologize for you were worried for Donnie, we know why that set you off.”

“I don’t want to ruin what you three have by being broken” he explained, trying to calm himself down. His breathing was too shallow, he really didn’t have the energy to sob like he was.

“You aren’t going to ruin us Leo-”

“I can’t be touched, I get so scared” he felt so pathetic, “I’m scared of being touched by you three, I know you would never, you would never do that but I get confused, I can’t- I never meant to hurt any of you-”

“Leo it’s all forgiven, really” Mikey said earnestly. “You have every right to be scared Leo, we didn’t know you were trying to deal with that on your own, we would have never put you in those type of situations had we known.”

Leo nodded his understanding, but he noticed how that sounded very concise for Mikey. As if his brothers had already discussed how to talk to him about these subjects when they arrive.

He wasn’t sure if he should be mortified that they had talked at length about him or if he should be grateful that they cared enough to do so.

“You’re safe now, okay” Mikey whispered, “you don’t have to hide away anymore, we love you Leo.”

His heart lurched and a fresh wave of sobs crashed over him.

“We love you so much” Mikey said, pleading with Leo to accept his words. “You mean so much to us, we aren’t going to let you suffer anymore. It’s time to let us in-”

“There’s no fixing this Mikey” Leo said, his head throbbed from the stress of it, and to think he hadn’t even gotten to what they did. “I can’t keep doing this, I can’t sleep without having nightmares and when I’m awake I feel them in me. I just-”

He sucked in air, it was a miracle all his sobbing hadn’t woken up Raph or Donnie.

“I’m never going to feel okay again” he said. “I wish they had killed me.”

“Leo” Mikey breathed, hugging him, “please bro don’t say that.”

“I can’t do this anymore” he said, trying to sit up. Mikey allowed him, steadying him by the shoulders, “it’s like I never left that room.”

Mikey gave him a proper hug and Leo buried his wet face into his brother’s neck. “That’s because no one has pulled you out yet” Mikey whispered, his lips pressed against Leo’s temple. “Now we’re here, and we’re going to save you, but you need to grab on okay? We’ll pull you out but you have to hold on. Can you do that?”

He gripped Mikey harder, pressed into him further and Mikey squeezed him back with the same tightness. “How about you sleep with me tonight?” he said, he pulled out of Leo's grasp and stood up. He turned off the TV, “come on, I’ll keep you out of that room and you’ll make sure the aliens don’t get me.”

This time Leo gladly took Mikey’s hand, and he let himself be guided into Mikey’s room, into Mikey’s bed. Where under thick covers he was able to curl himself up against his brothers chest. Where their hands clasped together and their legs formed a braid.

Where Mikey whispered over and over into the top of his head that he was safe and he was loved until he let himself fall asleep.

The two Tylenol lay abandoned on the counter in the kitchen. Completely forgotten.

~o~0~o~

A loud noise jolted him awake.

“Shhh” Mikey whispered, hugging him closer to his chest, “it’s okay go back to sleep Raph probably just dropped a pan.”

Leo nodded against his brother’s plastron, allowing himself to go completely slack in his embrace.

He had stirred a few times throughout the night, each time Mikey was quick to hold him closer or adjust the blankets more. Mikey's bed was tucked into the corner of his room, Leo was sandwiched between the wall and his brother.

For once he rested easy feeling the warmth of the bed and the steady breathing of his younger sibling.

Mikey rubbed his shell, as much as he thought he should get up and crawl back to his own room, his body felt so relaxed he ended up blinking a few times before accidentally falling back into a deep dreamless slumber.

His brother’s comforting hands were the only hands he felt.

~o~0~o~

When he woke up again he was alone but he was still in Mikey’s bed. Judging by how the covers were tucked around, Mikey must have tried to make him as comfortable as possible before leaving.

Leo blinked the sleep out of his eyes and squinted against the light in the room. Mikey had kept the lights off all night, probably for Leo’s benefit but now the lava lamp on his night stand was on. Globs of lava floated up and down.

He watched the yellow globs bubble up through the blue water, the green tinted light filled the room with a nice chill mood. Leo's eyes raked over all the detailed sketches hanging up in Mikey's room, most of them were cityscapes. There were a few much more personal ones right above his bed. Donnie asleep at his desk, Raph asleep in his hammock, and Leo meditating. He didn't know if Mikey had hidden away and drawn those under their noses or if he drew them from memory.

Covering his mouth he yawned, he had slept really well. A full stomach, water, Mikey’s arms, and a warm bed. He didn’t want to leave and he was a little sad to find his brother was gone when he woke up.

Peeling the blankets back he stood up and stretched, he quietly made his way to his own room for his gear. Downstairs he could hear his brother’s talking in the kitchen, they weren't talking about breakfast but Leo pushed that away. He again wondered how Raph and Donnie had not heard him crying on Mikey early this morning. The fact was they probably did and for whatever reason decided to not interrupt, maybe to spare him the humility.

His bed was made with fresh sheets and the smell in his room was gone. Holing up in his bed for six days had only caused his room to smell stagnate with sweat and body odor, someone had thought to open his door wide to give his room the chance to breathe.

He put his gear on and made his way downstairs, keeping his feet quiet so he could read the room before entering by drifting just outside the kitchen.

“And you told him what we talked about?” Donnie asked, his voice was quiet and drained. As if he was sick or becoming sick. He hadn’t seen Donnie since he hugged him and then ran out of his bedroom.

Leo knew he had to fix that soon, he knew he had hurt Donnie's feelings.

“Yeah” Mikey said, “I remember our talks and I dunno man I know like I wasn’t suppose to approach him but he was…” Mikey’s voice wavered, “just I think he needed to be pushed, I got him to eat and drink-”

“Did he-?” Raph started to ask.

“No” Mikey said, his voice shook telling Leo he was shaking his head, “I had him sit on the couch with me for an hour or so and then we went to bed and I didn’t sleep at all last night I just stayed up with him. He slept from like eleven this morning until I guess he is still asleep. I think I can convince him to eat breakfast.”

Great, he had kept Mikey up. That was bad, he didn't know he had worried Mikey to the point he felt the need to force himself to stay up.

“Okay that's good”, Donnie sighed “that means I don't have to do the other thing to get food in him.”

_Other thing?_

“Fuck” Raph said, “so now what? Donnie?”

“I, uh, if he opened up to Mikey that's a good sign. Mikey encouraged him with positive reinforcement. It sounds like Leo suffers from Rape Trauma Syndrome, which shares a lot of similarities with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome” he breathed in shakily. “Our next step-”

Leo decided then to enter not wanting to allow for anymore talking about him, as soon as he did three pairs of eyes looked up at him from the table.

“I was going to bring you breakfast” Mikey said, not letting the silence speak for more than a millisecond.

When Leo had woken up he had felt better physically, but now his eyes were locked with Donnie's. His younger brother looked truly horrible. He had bags under his eyes, his posture was slumped forward and he had Raph's arm resting around the back of his chair. The shock of it made his mouth part but words escaped him.

His brother looked down squeezing his eyes shut and it was with that action that Leo realized Donnie was a mess because of him. Donnie had been stressing over his state for the past week and he looked like he hadn't slept a wink since the video was played in the living room.

With a very tight throat he pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and gently sat down. “I'm-” _not hungry_, he was going to say. Then he realized not wanting to eat would make Donnie feel even worse. “I can eat something down here” he said, but he didn't need to. Mikey was already making him something. It looked like yogurt and berries.

Raph had a forcibly passive face, eyes looking away from Leo's when he thought Leo wasn't looking. He didn't know what to say or maybe he didn't know what to think so he went with “I tossed your sheets in the wash" as a conversation starter.

“Thank you” Leo said.

This opened a line of dialogue that Raph waded into very gently. “Sleep okay?” he asked.

It was a casual question, Leo shifted his weight so there was less on his spine. “Yes” he said. For a moment he left the answer there, because he didn't have to offer anymore information. “I slept with Mikey last night, in his room” he finished.

Raph nodded, pretending he hadn't known, like they hadn't been down here for twenty minutes talking about what happened six hours ago between him and Mikey. “Oh good” he said, his voice was awkward. He moved his jaw around buying time or still recovering from that uppercut and Leo waited patiently for whatever Raph was going to say next. Carefully picking his words out like he was fighting his more abrasive and straight forward nature. “Mikey is a real cuddle bug” he settled on.

Donnie had his face tilted down, away from Leo's view, he wiped the back of his arm over his eyes as Mikey slid a bowl of yogurt and berries in front of him. His brother took one of the remaining seats.

The only empty seat was the one belonging to Master Splinter. It was a very good thing he wasn't here.

Leo stirred his breakfast, choosing to speak to the yogurt instead of his brothers. “I need to talk to you all about something” he said. “When would be the most ideal time for us to have a family meeting?”

The formality was ingrained in him. Especially now that he was the head of the family he felt it was best to face this before they could continue to talk about him behind his back.

“Anytime you want to” Mikey said.

He nodded, eating his yogurt, feeling them watching him like a hawk. “I need to take a shower” he said, “how about in an hour from now we meet in one of the bedrooms again?”

“Okay, sounds good” Mikey said barely containing his relief. “Anything in particular on the dossier?” 

His hand trembled, it was hard to lift the spoon without the risk of flinging yogurt everywhere so he set it down in the bowl again, twisting it around while trying to not think about what he was trying to do. Or how hard it would be to tell them. They knew it was bad, they knew he was not okay but it wasn't real. It was still deniable. He could still try to fix this alone.

He knew that he couldn't keep going on the way he was.

“I need help” he whispered, his body buzzed with anxiety. “I- I'm not okay. I'm really not okay.”

With that confession he took his hand off the table so he could close his eyes and rub his arms. His heart throbbed against his chest, three chairs scraped across the floor and for once he didn't flinch when three pairs of arms encompassed him. At first the surprise shocked him, caused his heart to stumble around in his chest like it was drunk. He pushed into them, he gripped them back with some awkwardness because it was hard to hug three turtles especially when those three turtle trapped his arms to his sides.

He made it work, they pressed their faces against his forehead, his neck and the back of his head. They filled him with a sense of understanding. Donnie's tears soaked his neck, Mikey kept their foreheads pressed firmly together, and Raph was behind them all with his beak pressed into the top of Leo aching head squeezing them all together.

It wouldn't be easy telling them, but in the grand scheme of things, things were rarely easy for Leo.

~o~0~o~

He would never be able to wade into the past again like he did with Mikey. It wasn't advisable. There were signs painted with blood next to the shore. Beware all those who swim here. The water was deep and he had weights tied to his feet. 

Maybe one day, with them he could step off the bank and cross it, conquer it. Today, that evening Leo only told them that he was sinking. He told them that he couldn't see land, he was stranded in it and it felt like he could no longer tread water aimlessly.

Not when the hands of those men clawed at his flesh and tore into his mind. They told him to suck in water, to succumb to the inevitable.

It was there in Mikey's bedroom, where there had once been a serious conversation about his tail, there was now a serious conversation about his mind. The damage to his soul, the weight on his chest. The burden that was dragging him into it. The invisible wounds with the physical and life threatening symptoms.

Their hands had never been so welcomed, because when he shook they were steady. He was a tuning fork, struck and then cushioned. Not left to ring into nothingness. 

They knew him and they knew his faults, and only he could go from sobbing on Mikey less than ten hours prior to bottling up all his emotions. His face didn't twitch. His voice never stuttered. He hid what he could because he couldn't hide everything but they were his brothers. They didn't fall for it.

He still tried.

He was tugged into Raph's lap, he was told to make his home there. To tell them what he could and Raph tied that rope that Mikey talked about around his arm.

To tell them was to let them save him. To tell Donnie about the flash backs and the panic attacks. To tell Raph about the shame and dishonor. To tell Mikey about the nightmares. It allowed them to adorn him with life saving ropes.

It was hard, and while he did it without a tear, a gasp, or a single noise to let them know this was the hardest thing he'd ever done, they knew. They knew because they huddled around him when his voice wouldn't break past a whisper. When his throat was so tight it felt hard to breathe fully.

The ropes that dug into his skin and rattled a metal frame were replaced by gentle hands. Tying ropes to his soul, promising him it was going to be okay.

It was cradled in Raph's arm with Mikey pressed against his carapace and Donnie cupping his face, pressing their foreheads together that he felt them leave.

The men in his head weren't welcomed anymore.

Not with Donnie telling him over and over again that trauma is cruel, and those voices were his to ignore. To replace with the voices of his brothers. The voices that said it is okay to be scared, it is okay to have nightmares, it is okay to feel ashamed.

It's okay because it wouldn't stay that way.

It was hard for him to imagine it any other way. It was hard to see a way out of this, and when he said so they tightened the ropes up. He wasn't allowed to go through this alone. He was held open again, not physically, but mentally.

He didn't cry but he buried himself into Raph and he maintained that he was okay, because he had to. He was the leader of their clan, the head of their family. He couldn’t cry, they didn't ask him to. They were just there, holding him, rubbing his arms and every moment felt too nice. He felt undeserving of their help and their support but it wasn't his choice anymore.

~o~0~o~

“I'm worried” Donnie whispered. It had to happen at some point. The fact that it didn't happen immediately after their family meeting was a miracle.

Leo waited while the blood pressure cuff around his arm loosened. He was sitting on the bed in the infirmary. “I am certain that the pain is from the bone being broken” he said tiredly.

Donnie took the cuff and set it to the side, even though Raph and Mikey had sentenced them both to the couch for (in Raph's words) looking like death, he insisted on doing a check-up before bed. “I know it's hard to talk about” he said, taking Leo pulse again, “but Leo, the depth-”

“His arm didn't go any deeper than one of our penises would” Leo said. He knew what Donnie was worried about, he knew his brother wanted what was best for him, but he was being overly cautious.

Donnie gripped his hand, “key difference is lube, and preparation Leo.”

“You can take both Mikey and Raph” Leo said.

“It took a long time, and a lot of practice, and a lot of patience to take both of them” he said with a small blush. “Don't get off the topic, I'm worried about scar tissue inside your cloaca. I'm worried that something didn't heal correctly.”

Donnie had been trying to press for an exam, a more invasive one than just a finger prodding a tail bone. Donnie wanted to look at him with a speculum and the idea made him feel light headed and scared.

“I'm not saying we need to do it today,” he said. “I just, Leo I watched the video, I know you had internal bleeding and scar tissue is sensitive. I worry about some of the pain being from that-”

“If he don't wanna then don't make him” Raph said, surprising them both when he walked in.

Donnie frowned, “I wasn't forcing him.”

“Nah, but shit man even I don't want to get held open and have someone look up my ass and nothing happened to me” he said crossing his arms.

“Donnie” Leo said, because while Raph was making a point he was also hurting Donnie's feelings. His brother looked at him guilty but Leo reached out and gripped his shoulder. “I think at some point, it should be looked at but I need time. Right now every touch down there has me right back in that room.”

Donnie nodded, “I'm sorry Leo.”

“I know you care” Leo said, sliding off the bed and standing up. “I am very fortunate to have you.”

“You have all of us” Raph interjected.

Throughout the day, since both him and Donnie were imprisoned on the couch, and since Donnie wouldn't allow himself to rest, and because Leo was too tense to not obsess over the future, they made plans.

The first thing they addressed was Leo's eating disorder. Donnie made the rule that he couldn't use the bathroom for an hour after eating and he couldn't be alone for an hour after eating. Leo agreed. Donnie wanted him to gain ten pounds and Leo agreed. Between the both of them they came up with ways to help him eat more and what to do if he felt the need to purge.

Then they had started talking more in depth about the psychology behind trauma. Donnie answered all of his questions. Leo slowly accepted that the things he was going through were normal and Donnie held no judgement in his tone.

Leo even expressed his resentment that he lost his virginity to those men and how he feared he could never have sex again. To his surprise Donnie told him that virginity is a made up concept, that he wasn't used or secondhand goods.

It made Leo wonder if maybe one day they would give him a second chance at being in their relationship.

Raph sighed and sat down on the bed next to Leo. “Say it” he said looking at Donnie.

“Say what?” Leo asked.

“I…” Donnie tapped his finger tips together, “I'm worried that the scar tissue in your cloaca will impact other... things” he said.

Leo didn't follow. “I'm not incontinent or anything.”

Raph rubbed his face, “he means if ya ever decide ta be sexually active with us, and you decide to catch instead of pitch, it could be painful."

Leo stared for a good long second. Was that his way of saying they were still in a relationship? He also didn't understand the metaphor, he didn't watch baseball.

“It's late,” Donnie said, cutting the conversation there. “I need to get in bed before Mikey comes in here and drags me out by the ankles.”

They trailed out of the infirmary, each with their tasks to complete before bed. As Leo made his way to the bathroom to, well, go to the bathroom he was brought back in a dull sense to what Donnie was saying.

The first few days had been bloody, and sore. There was tearing, he felt it happen. He knew it was violent. Leo wasn’t sexually adverse, he had basic knowledge of his genitals. He knew that a cloaca is where all waste pipes lead. They don’t poop or pee like humans do, what comes out of them is a mixture of both.

He did, in a vague sense understand how sex worked between his brothers, whether the idea was appealing or not… it was hard to know. Before the hotel room, and everything that happened two years ago, he had never thought about having sex with any of his brothers. Not that it was a dirty thought that he pushed away. No it was never even a thought. He never was turned on by the thought of his brothers touching him or him touching them.

Not that there was a lack of touching, ninjutsu was a very hands on fighting style. The amount of times Raph had pinned him to the mat he would think at least one time he’d have a fleeting sexual thought about him. Instead he really didn’t.

It was only after he saw the three of them together that he suddenly had a door in his mind. It fell open with an alluring creak and what crept out were dreams and fantasies about his own siblings. Things like Raph’s hands running down his chest, his stomach, fingering the grooves in his plastron while grabbing the back of his head. Sometimes it was his sweet baby brother, licking the inside of his tail.

Sometimes it was bending Donnie over the counter top.

Leo’s mind came back to Donnie a lot, they were the planners. The brains, Leo was strategy and Donnie was intelligence. A plan could rarely be made without them both hunched over a table or staring at a whiteboard.

There was something about Donnie that clicked.

Leo had fantasies. He had seen women on TV, he thought of beautiful women when he pleased himself to their breasts and their small waists. He imagined having sex even though it would never happen. Fantasies were meant to be unobtainable.

With a frown he removed his toothbrush from his mouth, not caring that the paste was burning his tongue while he stared in the mirror. What stared back at him wasn’t a reflection but a very sad truth. He would never have sex again, that act was tainted. It might even be more than just mentally tainted if what Donnie was trying to say was true.

Even if they fix his incorrectly set tail, what if the pain while going to the bathroom was from something like scar tissue. What if fixing his tail meant he would still be on a liquid diet? What if he couldn’t get his penis out without being in pain?

What if at the end of the day it didn’t matter? They were together, he was alone. It wasn’t like he would ever have sex again anyways.

~o~0~o~

Fresh sheets were the best surprise before tucking in. Not that sleep would actually happen tonight. Not with answering all of Donnie questions and the idea of an exam. His mind already gave him a preview of a pretty good nightmare with ropes, metal bed frames, and starring a rectal speculum that Leo had seen once and hope to never see again.

He knew that would be one for the puke bucket, one to send him into a full fledged panic attack just like the time Donnie had to examine his tail bone with just a finger. Something, a feeling of intense dread, irrational fear poured into him.

In the darkness of his bedroom he bit his first knuckle and tried to calm down because Donnie would never do anything to him. None of his brothers would. They knew now, they knew what happened and they knew not to touch him in certain ways.

Someone knocked on his door and he felt around for his lamp, clicking it on before silently walking across the room.

“Thought maybe I could, sleep in here tonight” Raph said, looking up at the top edge of Leo door frame, his pillow under his arm.

Leo blinked, wondered what dream this was and when the nightmare would start. “Why?”

“Because…” Raph said looking past Leo into his room and trailing off, “it’s easier than me having to wake up an check on you every hour.”

_ Oh. _

“And Mikey is sleeping with Donnie tonight” he added, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly and pushing his way into the room.

Suddenly Leo was seven and Raph was nudging him awake in the middle of the night to tell him he _didn’t_ have a nightmare. Then he would (while still maintaining he didn’t have a nightmare) climb into his bed for completely unrelated reasons.

He watched Raph, as he fixed their pillows next to each other and Leo closed the door behind them.

Things with Raph were hard. His immediate younger sibling spoke in actions not words, but this was new territory. The whole day Raph had been walking on eggshells with him and now they stood in his room staring at each other.

Raph cleared his throat, “come ‘ere” he muttered stepping forward a pulling Leo toward his own bed.

“Isn’t this…?” _wrong?_

Raph let go of him the second he pulled away, pitching his brows together. “What do ya mean?”

“I mean, you three are together-” he started.

“You told us you have nightmares” Raph said cutting him off.

“That doesn’t mean I need someone to sleep in my bed with me” Leo said, swallowing down anything to the contrary.

“I didn’t say ya needed me to be in here” Raph’s voice said with a slight edge, “I just thought you might want me to.”

Leo stayed quiet, staring at Raph, trying to walk whatever line there was here between them. Everything felt like lines. Tightropes. He kept falling off of them, he kept messing up every interaction he had with his brothers. Already he could see he was making Raph second guess himself, his guard was coming back up.

He sighed, whipped his pillow off the bed aggressively and walked past Leo. The second his hand landed on the door knob Leo’s reached out and grabbed Raph's bicep.

His body buzzed, the word was on his tongue but he couldn’t say it. He could ask Raph to stay, not when it felt like he was stepping on toes, asking for too much help.

This was intimate.

This was what had happened with Mikey. Somehow, given what had happened, Raph and Donnie knew there was nothing there. How would Mikey and Donnie feel about their mate of over two years was sleeping in the same bed as him?

His head ached in that dull throb. It built up his neck and into his jaw and melted the second Raph let go of the doorknob and tugged him towards the bed.

~o~0~o~

When he woke up out of breath and shaking Raph held him tight and told him to breathe in through his mouth and out through his nose.

“I got you” he whispered into Leo's ear while he sat on the hotel bed telling himself it wasn’t real. “Those fuckers are nothin’ more than carpet stains.”

Leo nodded but that wasn’t the problem, “I shouldn’t be doing this” he said, his throat tight again.

“Doing what?” Raph asked, and his hand were so gentle and nice. It was hard to think that his brother Raph would ever hold him like he was glass or delicate. Raph was all muscle and brute force.

“I, what would Mikey or Donnie think-”

“You aren’t weak for this Leo” he growled, that delicate grip tightening into something almost painful. Raph’s lips pressed next to his ear. “You aren’t any of the fucking words you got swimming up around in your head right now.”

“You’re in a relationship with them and we’re laying in bed together” Leo hissed, wiggling out of Raph’s grip.

It was too dark in his room to see Raph’s face but his disbelieving tone painted the picture well enough. “You slept with Mikey the other day.”

“I should have stopped it” Leo whispered rubbing his throat, trying to loosen up the tension.

“Why?”

“Because you three are together, and I’m- isn’t this cheating?” he asked equally as disbelieving.

Raph barked out a laugh, “Leo, we ain’t doing anything that would be cheating anyways.”

It was just laying in bed but Raph was spooning him, hugging him to his chest and breathing into the back of his head and while the safety of such an act was invaluable… Leo felt guilty. “I broke up with you” he said mournfully.

“Leo” his arms pulled him back into his own bed, something that Leo allowed on the basis that Raph’s arms seemed to make everything just a little bit better. “It doesn’t count, we know you only broke it off because we fucking scarred you.”

“You didn’t scar me-”

Those men did. He didn’t have nightmares about what happened to Donnie.

Raph let out a frustrated sigh, “yeah we did Leo and it was my dumb idea” he said full of regret. “I wanted to make you jealous, I wanted ta give you a reason to compete with me. I have Donnie the super sub and Mikey who is down for either and I thought- I just wanted you to get your fucking tail fixed.”

_Which only involves my worst fear: more people playing with my tail._

“I thought you were being all kinds of weird about it, like, you were screaming your head off when Donnie had to-”

“I get it” Leo said, swallowing hard, his voice quivering.

“I still hear you, screaming” Raph whispered, “an’ it eats me up inside that I wasn’t there.”

“Not your job to save me from my own stupidity Raph.”

Raph didn’t like that statement very much, he nearly suffocated Leo reaching over him to turn on the lamp. “Look at me” he growled quietly.

He didn’t want to look at Raph, he was propped up on his hands over Leo. “I was stupid, that’s not on you or anyone else” he whispered staring at his brother’s neck and not his eyes.

“Look at me” Raph ordered a little louder, when he did Raph’s eyes were sad, his mouth was in a concerned line. “You were not stupid, I was stupid, you were gone too long and I didn’t come looking for ya. I’m the stupid one, I’m the one who wasn’t looking out for you.”

The room felt like it was tilting, he was dizzy without standing, his heart was racing without moving. Raph lowered himself until they were an inch apart and something made him move his hand, something made him trace the line of Raph’s jaw. “I hit you” he whispered.

Raph pushed ever so subtly into Leo’s fingers, his eyes closed slowly. “I deserved it, I’m the stupid one, grabbing you and backing you into fucking corners.”

“You didn’t know” Leo whispered back, a braver finger traced from his chin to his lips and Raph pressed into that enough for Leo to wonder what he was doing. What were they doing. “Kiss me.”

Raph’s eyes stayed closed, Leo’s stayed open. He wanted to watch, he wanted his vision to be filled with Raph’s face, he wanted to feel his brother's breath escape from his nostril and blow onto his face. Their bodies pressed together, Raph straddled one of his legs, Leo gripped Raph’s arm. Every exhale of air washed over Leo, sending tingles down his skin as Raph rested more weight on him.

The second he let his eyes closed Raph pulled away, “I know now, and things are going to change” he said an inch away from Leo’s lips. “We discussed it, as far as we’re concerned, ya didn’t break up with us, it was pretty obvious what happened, and it’s pretty damn obvious you still want to be with us.”

Leo nodded, his heart seemed to have calmed down but something else was now wide awake. Kissing Raph awoke some lower frustrations that he could never relieve.

Raph moved to spoon him again as they both curled onto their sides, “you’re our mate now Leo.”

“Even if I can never have sex?” he asked.

“We don’t just have sex Leo” Raph said, “I love Donnie and Mikey, in a way that goes further than what it should between brothers but that’s the way it is. You don’t ever have to step foot into the sexual side of things.”

Leo reached over to turn off the lamp again, Raph pulled the covers over them and pulled Leo further into the middle of his bed so they were pressed as tightly together as possible. “What if I don’t know if I want to have sex?”

“I don’t know Leo” Raph said into his head, “but whatever you decide to do with your broken tail is your decision. All of us will support you in whatever you decide.”

“That’s a great line, did Donnie teach you that one?” he asked with an amused smile.

Raph grunted in a non-response, “taught or not I mean it.”

“If you were me” Leo whispered, “would you let Donnie examine you and fix your tail, even if it might not fix anything?”

“I can’t answer that Leo” he said, “I’m not standing where you are, I don’t think I’d be strong enough to stand where you are” his arms squeezed him a little tighter, “only you can make that choice and I don’t know what I would do.”

That was probably as good of an answer as he was going to get. He could tell his brothers about it, but they hadn’t been through it. No one had been through what he had, he was treading water. It was easier to think about the quickest path to land when he didn’t have to actively stop himself from going under at any moment.

He sank into Raph’s embrace, with the feeling of Raph still on his mouth. It was nice to have a nice feeling to remember. It was nice to know they still, despite everything, wanted him to be in their relationship.

~o~0~o~

Christmas was around the corner, four days away, which gave Leo and his family something to focus on other than the video. Still, Leo heard whispers. He heard things Donnie and Raph try to keep between themselves and he knows Mikey is making sure he eats and doesn’t puke.

Ever since that movie marathon with Mikey he hasn’t induced puking once, his voice was sounding better everyday. Donnie finally started to pay off some of his sleep debt once Leo started sneaking into his room and pushing his digital clock back three hours five minutes before it was supposed to go off.

It was strange how their home was tense and calm all at once, how the video seemed to be on all of their minds but no one said much about it to him.

On Christmas Eve they planned to meet up with Casey so they can hold up the signs asking for April to marry him. After a lot of whining Leo cut practice short with the promise that they would at least go for a run in the sewers after Christmas dinner tomorrow. Just because the snow and cold kept them from patrolling too long didn’t mean they could allow themselves to get rusty.

Tonight, however, Leo had a less desirable task to attend to and there was no better time to do it then while Donnie was wrapped up with something online and Raph and Mikey were wrapped up decorating gingerbread cookies for April’s Christmas Party.

He was going around their home with a box collecting their father’s knickknacks and decorations, he had thought about it and decided when his father returns he needed to spare his brothers the words he would say. If he had everything packed away all he would have to do is watch his father move out. He did not know what his father would lay claim to when he came back, he might even argue that they should leave his home as he was the one that found this safe haven in the sewers.

It felt like he was going through a divorce, as he stacked another box into Master Splinters room.

“Ya got a minute?” Raph asked.

Leo turned and shrugged, “yes, I think this is a two day job anyways.”

Raph nodded, “think there will be trouble when he comes back?”

“I don’t know” Leo said plainly. Though he had a pretty good idea about what would happen, he knew there was a good chance things would become ugly. “Do you have anything in your room that he might consider his? I am trying to streamline the process for when he returns.”

“If” Raph huffed flipping open the lid of a cardboard box so he had something to look at other than Leo’s face. “All I got in there are some posters of naked ladies.”

Leo hummed, “I have some decorative paper fans he painted murals on for Christmas one year-”

“Are we just gonna give him everything?” Raph asked crossing his arms, “hell I wouldn’t give him half the shit in this room if I were you.”

_Well, that’s why I am going to be the one in charge of Master Splinter’s possessions._ “You still have posters of naked women in your room?” Leo asked.

“Yeah” Raph said.

“Why?”

Raph shrugged, walked over to the shelf with his helmet and Mikey’s costume head on it and stopped. “I thought it was kind of obvious” he said.

“That what was obvious?”

“That I’m gay.” Leo did a double take. One that Raph caught on to with an amused huff of laughter. “Right, big mean Raphael is a homo. Well, I figure if I covered my room in posters of naked chicks Master Splinter would be none the wiser. It worked.”

Leo nodded, “would you have told us?”

“I haven’t told anyone” Raph said avoiding eye contact again by looking around the room, “until just now.”

“I won’t say anything” Leo promised.

Raph nodded, “what about you?”

Leo clammed up, he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to divulge to Raph even if Raph just told him he was gay. “I thought I would never be with anyone” he said.

“So you jacked off to Karai?” Raph asked. His face became heated and Raph laughed in a well meaning way. “Leo, she’d of slice your dick clean off!”

“Maybe, but in my head she didn’t and that’s what mattered” he muttered hiding his own smile. Being with Karai or any woman was far out of reach, there was no point in being sad about it. “Besides, I didn’t even pursue her and I got castrated anyways.”

Raph’s face fell and Leo regretted saying it, his brother sighed heavily like he had something dark on his mind. “It’s not a great transition but Leo there is something we need to talk about-”

“I’m still thinking about the exam” Leo said curtly, “and for an update it still makes me want to shrivel up and die.”

“Leo, Donnie got access to the crime scene photos, there was no video camera” Raph said.

The room felt cold suddenly. “I killed them and I sliced that camera up, I thought Donnie said it must have been recovered despite my efforts to destroy it-”

“Leo listen to me. Not only was the camera not mentioned or photographed, the bed had no ropes on it, the sheets were gone, the mattress was gone.”

“What are you saying?” Leo asked watching Raph fight for the words. “That someone tampered with the scene?”

“Yes!” Raph exclaimed, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was going to barge in on them, “that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

He felt sick, “I wish I didn’t know that” he muttered.

“Well, it’s kind of something we need to deal with don’t you think?” Raph asked.

Something clawed around in his chest, a fourth person was involved. Someone came in after he murdered them and got rid of the evidence of him being raped. They were dead, as awful as he felt about killing them the reality that they were dead had been his only comfort.

“No” he said turning away from Raph and looking for the packing tape unnecessarily, just so he would have something to do with his hands. “I know what you’re thinking-”

“Like hell you know what I’m thinking!” Raph yelled.

“You want to out there and find the person who tampered with the scene, you want revenge and you want my blessing and you won’t have it!” Leo yelled still facing the box instead of Raph. “Leave the past where it belongs Raph-”

“How can I do that when I’m up at night thinking about the bastard who got away?” he seethed.

Leo turned around slowly, “then do it for me because I don’t want revenge, I want to move on. I can’t do that if I know my brother’s are on some sort of manhunt behind my back” he said lowly.

Raph's shoulders fell in defeat. Leo grabbed an empty box and walked past Raph. He had shampoo bottles to collect from the bathroom next and a floor to curl up on for a few minutes.

_ Someone tampered with the scene. _

_ What if they’re mad about what happened to their friends? _

_ What if they come after me? _

_ What if they come after my brothers? _

~o~0~o~

“Get yer fucking elbow outta my fuckin’ face Mikey.”

“My elbow was here before your face was.”

“Someone is stepping on my toe- who’s hand pinched my tail!?”

“Be quiet, I can hear them unlocking the door” Leo hissed.

They were crouched in the dark behind April and Casey’s couch, the plan, which Casey had gone over with them seven times. Not including three rehearsals where April’s stand in was a broom, should have been straight forward. Donnie would pop up holding the sign that reads “Will”, then Mikey would pop up hold “you”, then Raph would pop up holding “marry”, and then Leo would pop up holding “me?” and then by the time she looked back at Casey he would be on one knee.

There was a contingency plan for The Turtles to try and catch April if she passed out, but it wasn’t needed.

April slapped him hard across the face, enough to make four ninjutsu masters cringe. Then she practically grabbed him by the sideburns and kissed him so passionately Raph felt the need to cover Mikey’s eyes.

“Is that a yes?” Casey asked, barely comprehensible against April’s lips.

“Yes” April said pulling back before looking at them and laughing at their shocked faces.

They celebrated, it was Christmas Eve and Mikey made two hundred gingerbread cookies because “a few was not very specific and he didn’t want to be short."

The snow outside was coming down in thick blankets. It was a good thing they took the Cowabunga Carl Van to their apartment, it had at some point while Leo was in bed for a week, underwent a paint job. His thoughts kept looping back to what Raph said, that someone tampered with the scene. He watched Mikey and Raph laughing about something before turning back to the window, caught between wanting to enjoy his family and the worry that seemed to drown out everything else.

“Here” April said, elbowing him. Before he could even look at her hands he already has three reasons why he isn’t hungry but she beat him to it, “I already asked Donnie if you can drink eggnog.”

With a reluctant smile he took the glass from her and took a sip, he was greeted with a strange flavor. “Does this have alcohol in it?” he asked fighting down a cough.

April gave him a cheeky smile, “let’s just say if you’re driving, you should only have that glass.”

He nodded and despite himself took another sip, “so you’re engaged now, how does it feel?” he asked making small talk while trying to tune out the fact that Raph was goading Mikey into drinking an entire pint of spiked eggnog.

She smiled, “it feels good Leo, it feels good.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks” she said before giving him an unexpected half hug and walking back over to the TV. “Okay, who ready for the Die Hard Drinking Game!”

Leo sighed, that was going to end up well he was sure. Somehow Donnie seemed to read his mind and waved him over to the kitchen. Something Leo willingly did, fearing he might get looped into such festivities. Apparently alcohol was okay for his diet.

“April is pawning off all the casserole her coworkers gave her” Donnie explained, opening her fridge and taking out glass dishes tented with foil. “Help me carry them to the van?”

“Yeah, I’m sure they will stay plenty cold out there” Leo said not joking because it was windy and cold and nearly a blizzard.

He and Donnie managed to balance casseroles and navigating down a fire escape, they had some winter clothing that helped disguise them on the street but it made things hard to carry. Donnie set them on the floor in the back and when he turned to look at Leo something came over him, he thumbed a little eggnog off of Donnie’s lips.

Donnie wetted his lips, the air between them clouded up with their warm breath. “You start the van” he said, fumbling in his coat pocket for the keys, “I’ll tell April we’re going home early.”

Leo took the keys and started the van, his heart fluttering and his hands shaking with nervous energy.

~o~0~o~

Fantasies were a place to think about the impossible.

Where he could kiss Donnie and follow his arousal all the way to things that would never happen. He could map it out, he could touch Donnie wherever he wanted, he could massage his tail. He could use his fingers to prep his brother, he could make Donnie squirm, he could be the shudder in his moans.

The spasm in his legs.

They walk like they both have a fever, finding space in the fridge for two casseroles took too long. The door barely closed before he had Donnie backed up to the refrigerator. Magnets clatter onto the floor, Donnie churrs high and submissive when Leo kisses his neck aggressively.

That nose makes his tail ache, it makes the air thin. They're panting onto each other, the noises that leave Donnie are high and needy. They're begging Leo to continue, for him to take his teeth just below his jaw.

Donnie shivered and moaned, Leo pressed in harder. They rocked the fridge and his tail aches bad. It begged for him to bend it back, let himself out.

He wanted to have Donnie, he wanted Donnie under him- he pulled back. Donnie pushed forward grabbed Leo's hand and they were in his room with the door closed. Leo was on Donnie's bed on top of him.

_“Incestuous”_ his father’s voice rang too quietly to give a thought to.

It felt good though, it turned him on. Raph was right, maybe there was something in him. Part of him that wanted to be sexually active. Part of him wanted to sink his penis into Donnie.

He wanted to feel Donnie.

His brother kept his hands almost to himself, despite the fact that Leo was teetering back and forth between marking Donnie with his mouth. Sucking on his neck just enough to feel Donnie cry out in pleasure, gasping for Leo. He swirled his tongue on his brothers neck, sucking almost hard enough to leave a mark. A spot of irritation.

Donnie only dusted his hands across Leo's skin, unlike if it were Raph or Mikey. He could tell there was hesitation. He didn't want to push Leo away and make it stop. It felt so good making his brother shiver under him, making Donnie his.

He turned his brothers head with his hand to expose some more sensitive areas further back. Areas that when sucked on, when lightly nipped at made Donnie cry out, it made Leo churr deep and low.

He was forcing submission out of Donnie, it was something he didn't know he had in him. “Leo” Donnie gasped when his hand rubbed down his plastron.

“I want to feel you” he whispered, his hand stroked the back of Donnie's tail. His brother let his tail fall open, he let Leo touch his dripping slit.

Donnie's hand reached over frantically trying to open his nightstand drawer while Leo kissed his chin and gently outlined his cloaca with a teasingly light touch. Making Donnie's tail flex and squirm in a way Leo’s own tail couldn’t. He finally got into his drawer and pulled out a bottle of lube. He groaned as his cock slipped out of his cloaca and puffed up to its full size.

Leo took the lube and laid on his side next to Donnie. He slicked his brothers penis, felt it twitch. The intricate head fanned and Donnie whimpered the second Leo's hand wrapped around the head of his penis. His fingers traced the folds and edges, Donnie pushed up into his hand. On his back, toes curling as Leo kept playing with the most sensitive part of him.

His brother churred out high, he gripped the sheets and Leo felt every throb of his cock, trying to hold off on cumming. Leo wasn't even moving his hands, just his fingers. Thumbing over Donnie precum wet head, so hard he looked moments away. Every twitch, every pant, sent a burn of pain to his tail, to his penis that could never come out. 

He was aroused, his own slit was wet, something clenched inside him but he bit out a grunt of his own pain.

“Mark me” Donnie gasped turning his head away from Leo to expose his neck.

Leo didn't need to be told twice, he placed his lips on Donnie's neck and pulled blood to the surface of his skin. Donnie churred, his body shook and stilled for a moment as he came into Leo's hands. A hand that gripped and rubbed his head until he was spent. Gasping hard and if anyone had been home Donnie would have alerted everyone to what was going on.

He kept sucking on Donnie's neck, his brother gripped his arms but Leo kept massaging his penis. “Don't stop!” Donnie cried, his grip on the arm Leo was using to rub him with tightened to contradict his words, “Leo I'm gonna-”

Donnie shuddered his body went stiff and a small amount of semen pumped out of him. Leo stopped, he basked in it, the way he had enjoyed being with Donnie, the horrible ache in his tail radiated up his back making it hard to take a full breath. He took his mouth away from Donnie. His brother looked dazed, covered in his own cum and slack on his bed.

In that moment he knew he loved Donnie. He wanted Donnie. He wanted to do more than just that with Donnie. Their hands, messy and slick interlocked. Donnie's eyes were full of lust and Leo returned the half lidded expression.

“I want you to do the exam” he whispered closing his eyes. “If there's a chance I could- if there's a chance I could ever allow myself to experience love in this way, I should at least try.”

“You don't have to Leo” Donnie whispered, “I know it's not a pleasant thing to go through.”

Leo shook his head, “I want this” he admitted. “I never thought about the three of us before but I want to be normal again.”

“Okay” Donnie whispered. “Tomorrow, we'll do it in the morning.”

~o~0~o~

Donnie was gentle, not just physically but he was sensitive to how scary this was for Leo.

First, Donnie gave him the Valium twenty minutes prior to even taking Leo back to the infirmary. Once it kicked in, making the world stunningly bright and his brain slow Raph and Mikey guided him to the examination table.

He didn't know they were planning to stay by his side, but when Donnie put his legs in the stirrups he almost backed out right then and there. It was Raph and Mikey, who kept their backs to Donnie and offered him their hands to hold. They weren't going anywhere, and Leo knew in his drugged up state if he said stop Raph would swoop him away from the examination table in a heartbeat. Mikey wouldn't be far behind either. In a second he could have two of his brothers protecting him.

That thought helped him squeeze their hands back. He could do this.

"Leo, with your consent, I am going to inject a numbing agent into your tail just inside your cloaca where the break in your spine is. It will pinch and then burn for a few minutes" Donnie said. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes" he said, keeping a tight hold on Raph and Mikey. There was a sheet draped over his legs, conveniently hiding Donnie and what he was doing from view.

It did pinch, and it burned. They waited and Leo felt the numbing take effect. His whole lower back to mid thighs felt asleep. The sensation was extremely weird.

Donnie moved back between his legs, "I am now going to check to see it you are numb by tapping you with this tongue suppressor."

Again, fear ripped through him as they inched closer to the dreaded part of the exam but he pushed it down, "okay" he said.

"Do you feel anything?" Donnie asked.

"No" his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Even if he was dazed, his mind knew. His mind was still hyper aware of what was happening next.

Raph squeezed his hand again. "You're doing good, Leo" he whispered. "It's just Donnie and he cares a lot about you."

"I am now going to insert the speculum" Donnie said, "remember if at any point you want to stop we can."

"Okay" Leo breathed out keeping his eyes locked with Raph's. They all just wanted what was best for him.

He didn't feel anything. For all he knew the rest of the exam didn't happen. Donnie could have sat on a stool between his legs just saying he was doing things. There were parts where he would feel a deep pressure and one time where he hitched his breath but Mikey and Raph were quick to talk to him. Quick to squeeze his hands with both of theirs. They didn't watch what Donnie was doing either, they just talked to him. They told him things like he was doing well even though he was just laying there.

It was hard to imagine how he would have survived the exam without them by his side.

"Okay" Donnie said, "we're done, there is scar tissue but it seems the only cause of pain while going to the bathroom is the injury to your spine."

Leo nodded, feeling his legs being taken out of the stirrups, Mikey covered him with a sheet and Raph picked him up carefully.

"Put him on the bed over there, let him ride out the numbing agent and the Valium" Donnie said while Raph did just that. Mikey close by ready to immediately grab Leo's hand the second Raph set him down. "Leo, you might be a little sore when the numbing wears off" he said from the sink.

Leo nodded again, his head felt heavy. The most dreaded part was over. He survived the invasive exam, Donnie would fix his tail. Based on the way Raph and Mikey had supported him... he knew during recovery they would be there for him.

Every step of the way.

He wasn't alone in this anymore.


	5. Stage 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)

_Sit down beside me and stay awhile_

_Let our hearts do their parts_

_With wine and words to meet the hours_

_So the day never starts_

_'Cause that's what I want_

[“Sit Down Beside Me” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJc1vwKUZ00)\- Patrick Watson

* * *

**-Guilt-**

* * *

His mates, his brothers, his closest family knew the most disgusting thing he ever went through and they didn’t turn him away. Instead, Leo was fought over. He found himself having to put his foot down and wrangle some time to be alone. The winter months didn't help with this; it kept them in their home with the exception of going to Casey and April's or getting food.

While their home was large and they all had their own space, his brothers were eager to stay near Leo. Mikey helped him gain weight by always offering to make him something to eat. Raph helped Leo turn some of that weight back into muscle by working out with him. And Donnie…

Donnie quietly made lists of everything he would need to fix Leo’s tail, and he very quietly, on one of the nights Donnie slept in Leo’s bed (because there was a printed out schedule on the fridge), brought up the most important one.

“I need to be able to touch you,” he said, while Leo reviewed the list quietly. It was strange to look at everything they needed. The hardest things to get would be the drugs used to sedate him. That required breaking into a hospital, and there was no way to feel okay about that. They had done it before. They tried to be careful and they only took what they absolutely needed... but they also had to make sure they had emergency supplies. In the end they were taking things that were hard to replace.

There were other things that were self explanatory and could be obtained with the help of their human friends or in a pinch they could use disguises to shop for themselves. Adult diapers made his chest feel funny, threatening to flood over with humiliation. Even though Donnie had explained that very unfortunate detail, seeing it on the list made it real. It made Leo very aware of how helpless he would be while recovering.

Leo set the list on the nightstand.

“Next week there is supposed to be a break in the weather,” he explained. “Do you think we can get everything inside a few days? Do we know where most of this stuff is?”

“Yes,” Donnie said, nodding. “Getting everything should be fairly easy. The x-ray was the hardest part and now that I have that I only need something to sedate you fully, and we also need to manage your pain post procedure.”

Memories of how agonizing it had been just to pass liquid waste in the days afterwards pulsed into his mind. The idea of going through it again willingly sounded like too much. The very thought made him want to back out and pull the plug. There were things he couldn’t become comfortable with, and the idea of lying helplessly on his back while Donnie cleaned him and changed him made his stomach turn over. Pain or no pain accompanying it didn’t change the bottom line.

Sensing his unease, Donnie gently asked for his hand. Something Leo willingly gave, coming to stand in front of his mate and sibling. Donnie was seated on the edge of Leo’s bed, taking a very non-threatening stance. If Donnie stayed in one spot it was easier to talk about the procedure. Leo could stand and pace and pack all the information away before it took him under. The irony was Leo, in a few weeks, would be the most helpless person in The Lair. And worst of all, he was voluntarily walking into it, willingly handing himself over to his brothers with a note tied around his neck asking them to be nice.

It cut into his skin, the idea of being so dependent on them when there was such a clear way to not have to be.

Donnie took his other hand too with calloused fingertips.

Leo stood there between Donnie’s knees and focused on his brother’s hands. He focused on how Donnie’s thumbs circled around his knuckles. His breath was cut off when Donnie leaned forward slightly, resting his forehead against Leo’s plastron. It wasn’t an unwelcome feeling, Leo forced himself to relax. It was just Donnie, and they were in his room with the door closed. He was safe in his own room with his brother.

“Let me help you, Leo,” Donnie whispered, “Please let me help you. Let me show you that you can heal from this.”

Leo gently tugged his hand out of Donnie’s. His brother immediately released his grip and pulled his head up. They all did that. They all tried to respect his body language when it came to touch and holding because Leo wasn’t always able to articulate that he needed space or was getting overwhelmed. It was better for everyone to air on the side of caution.

This time Leo didn’t want to stop touching. He wanted to be touched more. He ran his hands along Donnie’s shoulders while his brother kept his hands to himself, fingers drumming on his thigh as he let Leo touch his neck, the sides of his face, his back. His body leaned in just slightly a few times before Leo pulled his brother forward, pressing him into his plastron.

Donnie gently wrapped his arms around Leo, keeping his hands above his waist. Leo stroked the back of his brother’s skull and threaded his mask tails between his fingers. 

“I stood outside your door so many times,” he whispered. “I wanted to tell you my tail was broken, I wanted help. And now I have it and so much more and I’m terrified.”

Very subtly, as if Donnie didn’t mean to, Leo felt the grip around him tighten then immediately loosen. 

“It’s normal to be terrified,” Donnie said quietly, but firmly, leaving no room for Leo to say one of his many excuses that usually started or ended with him explaining that he was weak. “That is a perfectly normal and natural reaction to needing anything medical done to an area of your body that was violated.”

“Then how do I get to the point where the idea of you touching my tail doesn’t make me immediately jump to thoughts of-” he stopped, he couldn’t say that out loud. It was an awful thing to suggest.

“You can start by finishing that sentence,” Donnie said once it was clear Leo wasn’t going to. “If by chance your fear is I, or Raph, or Mikey would put anything inside you without your express permission, you should know that too is a perfectly natural reaction and a valid fear.”

Leo frowned, “How is that a valid fear?” he asked. It felt ridiculous to fear that they would do such a thing after all they had done to heal him mentally. They seemingly feared that every time he flinched they were erasing progress for him. His brothers walked a tightrope trying to give Leo the correct touch because he was starving for it while also not overwhelming him.

The same way one could not feed a man who hadn’t eaten for months a full course meal, Leo needed to be eased into intimacy still. His needs fluctuated, his mood followed, and their lives swung with him.

“Your mind puts those worst case scenarios in your head to protect you,” Donnie explained while nuzzling his face into Leo’s chest. 

As starved as Leo was for their touch, they seemed equally starved back. 

“Being scared is natural and I can’t take that fear away, I can only promise you that I will not be penetrating you. I have no reason to. I will only be cleaning you when you need it, and I will tell you everything I am doing. I promise, I promise, I promise.”

Leo kept stroking Donnie’s head. 

“Alright, the snowy weather breaks next week, we’ll start collecting then.”

“I wish you had come to me after this happened,” Donnie whispered.

“I wish I had too.”

They would have helped him, and he would have had this love so much sooner.

~o~0~o~

He had given up on trying to close his legs together, but like a slug dropped in salt his knees strained to protect himself even though his mind was tired.

The pain was so bad he’d stopped feeling it. It was just a searing white hot pain. A pulse thrummed between his legs. Raw, bleeding.

The room smelled like blood and shit and sweat…

… and shame.

This was where Leonardo Splinterson died.

He died tied up to a bed with tears soaking his mask, a ball of fabric in his mouth, and men laughing at him. He died, and the last thing he saw was the water stained ceiling, the yellow lamp light bathing the dingy room, and the rain hammering on the window.

Nothing hurt this bad.

Leo had broken bones, been cut deep by enemies, bed ridden for weeks after a fight. Leo knew pain. He had a high pain tolerance but this was past pain.

He was mad.

His spirit was mad.

The pain made it hard to breathe, but he forced a deep inhale through his nose and the gag. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He focused on his breath until it was a roaring river in his ears. In and out. Steady and powerful.

A hand smacked his thigh, and he didn't move, he didn't react. 

"Listen to this thing huffing over here!" One of the men hollered. "Wassa' matter big guy? Throwing a tantrum cause no one's got their hand up you, ya over grown fucking Muppet."

Leo opened his eyes.

The body was a vessel for the spirit. The body and the mind are one in the same, but sometimes the mind needs to cast the body away from itself so it can do better. So it can do the things that the body will not allow.

"The clips look good, Mondo. Let's kill him and wrap up."

Leo from the beginning had held onto his wrist restraints. Focusing the pressure on to the palm of his hands and not the tender flesh of his wrists. He held on to the rope. They didn't notice. They were too dumb to notice he was pulling the ropes up and down the rough metal bars.

Weakening them right under their noses.

"If we keep him, we could make more videos," one said, their voices blurred together and bounced off the walls. It was the pain making everything distorted and funny. 

The pain was zapping the energy out of him.

"We could make millions."

Up and down, against the metal bars.

In and out, the breath inside his chest.

"We'll be a target for the government if we do that. You think they're just gonna let us have an alien all to ourselves?"

He opened his eyes; he didn't remember closing them. They just fell closed now and then. His body was losing the fight, the air burned, fresh tears flooded his vision.

"Just kill him."

"How?"

Four hands, two on each leg. They yanked him open, spreading his hips wider than they already were. 

"Oh, he don't like this Snake!"

Leo threw his head back and arched his back. The fabric squeaked between his teeth. He swallowed the spit he had pressed out of the gag.

Even if he freed his arms, his legs would still be tied to the bed. Was it worth it?

He couldn't escape. Not before they shot him or worse; retied him and did everything again.

"Here, Freak, which end you want?" Slash asked while sliding his katana out of its sheath. "The pointy one or the pleasurable one?"

Dirty blood stained fingers poked into his mouth. The palm of Slash's hand ran over Leo's nostrils wiping his own urine and feces onto his face. Leo squirmed at the scent as the gag was ripped out. It was wet and disgusting looking. Leo had no idea where that pillowcase had been before they balled it up and shoved it in his mouth. Not that he would get any sicker than he already was.

Leo refused to interact. His heart hammered wildly, the fear wasn't his. It wasn't from his mind. It was his body scared of death.

The stinging point of his katana licked his slit-

"Handle!" Leo shouted.

Mind and body were not so separate after all.

Slash balled up the wet pillowcase, wiping his dirty hands against it. Leo fought, it was a mistake. The saliva soaked pillowcase was passed down and used to wipe at his entrance, roughly running over his tail while Leo choked back sobs. The broken appendage throbbed in agony.

They balled the gag up and while Mondo and Snake squeezed the side of his head to force his jaw open, Slash pressed the soiled shit smelling gag to his face. Once his jaw was forcefully popped open the sour and pungent gag was forced into his mouth, further back forcing Leo to work it forward with his tongue. The taste was horrible and threatened to make him sick. He shook his head trying to lodge the fabric free only stopping when he heard the rip of a roll of duct tape.

They pushed the gag back in further, erasing all of Leo's efforts, and sealed his mouth with a piece of duct tape.

Then, they placed another piece over his nostrils.

Leo's eyes widened in horror and his lungs immediately burned. He was going to suffocate while they raped him one last time. That was how he would go, in the most painful and slow way possible.

If he wanted to live he had to leave this body. It was dying.

Time slowed down. Leo resisted the urge to pull his hands forward to rip off the tape, instead pushing them as close to the bed frame as possible. He needed the rope to have as much slack as possible if he was going to break the bonds. It was his only shot.

They pressed the butt of his katana against his slit, and a gun went off in Leo's head. The ropes snapped clean off the bed frame. He reached between his legs and thrust his katana away from his slit with one hand and used the other to rip the tape over his nose off.

He let out a muffled roar as he impaled Slash. Leo's primal rage braided together with Slash's shocked scream of agony. He pulled his katana up from the man's navel to the bottom of his sternum.

He had his katana.

He would kill more than one.

The sword melded to his arm becoming a talon. Long and sleek. It whipped to his right and slit through Mondo's fat double chin.

Snake blocked Leo's sword, catching the blade between his thumb and index finger. He screamed and fell back clutching his hand. He screamed for Mondo and Slash and the gun while Leo cut through the last ropes.

It hurt to stand up. His legs were numb, and his insides shifted around. His own guts slipped out of his cloaca and onto the carpet, it felt that way. It felt like he was pulling them over the carpeting. It burned so bad down there. He would never be the same down there all because of this night. He stepped on Snake’s back and pressed his sword down under the base of his skull.

Standing with one foot on a dead man Leo felt less like himself and more like a spectator. He yanked the tape off his face and ripped the pillowcase out of his mouth. The air tasted sweet and fresh.

He wasn't supposed to live.

He had already died.

~o~0~o~

He woke up hunched over the side of his bed sobbing and overcome with dread and anxiety at what almost happened. They had almost shoved his own- he gasped for air. Sometimes the air felt wrong, he was still breathing the hotel air. Pungent and horrible.

"Leo?" Raph asked, rising from his sleep.

"I'm fine!" Leo snapped, thumbing his eyes dry, "Go back to bed."

Raph sighed heavily and started to move but Leo didn't need to be touched. Some nightmares couldn't be solved with hugs and kisses. Sometimes he just needed to breathe. He needed to stand alone in the middle of that room and breathe.

"No ya ain't…" Raph muttered.

The bed was small so his brother was next to him on the edge in a second, running his finger over his scutes. 

"I'm fine Raph. It was just a bad dream."

His stomach turned over, and he squeezed his legs together.

A really bad memory.

Sometimes he just needed to do something to make sure he was in control. 

"I'm going to the bathroom," he said, standing up and feeling sick already. 

Raph’s hand fell off his shell, disappointed but silent.

He left no time for Raph to argue or touch him or do anything. Raph was addicting in that sense, it was Raph and Leo who had to sleep with all the awful things they’d done. Leo and Raph were the same in mind at times. They were the ones that got their hands dirty.

They were the ones who knew they could cross lines if they had to.

Leo paused at the door but didn't turn around. 

“I’m fine, I’m going to the bathroom.”

He needed to clear his head. Raph couldn't follow him out of concern.

Walking down the hall, his feet refused to walk straight. He could feel the butt of his katana there, pressed against his slit. It made him ill, it made him try clenching his tail up to be met with a few sharp tendrils of pain and no movement.

Leo didn't care that it looked bad. He guzzled cold water out of the tap then pulled his head up to catch his breath before tilting his head under the faucet again.

With water the feeling wasn't as good, but Donnie had been stern that Leo wasn't allowed to purge food. He hadn't said anything about water… so water had to be okay.

This habit of his was getting bad. He was up to three times in a row some nights.

It was addicting.

His abdomen throbbed, his stomach about ready to pop. A few more gulps and he would bring the water back up. 

Gripping the porcelain, he retched into the toilet. Everything felt twisted, but this made him feel calm. Drink the water, expel the water out.

The room was wavy, the light over the sink bled into a glowing waterfall.

He felt guilty, just a little guilty. Lying to Raph, slipping away to drink and puke and drink and puke just so he could slip into a dreamless sleep when he got back in bed.

The tile floor bit into his kneecaps. The grout lines would be imprinted on his skin. It didn't matter. This wasn't forever. He just needed it now, until his tail was fixed.

Once his tail was better his mind would be better.

He stood up, washed his face, brushed his teeth and slipped back into bed. Raph's arms closed around him, unaware of what Leo had just done. Leo's heart stuttered in his chest. It hurt. His chest pain was getting worse by the day.

He needed to stop before they found out.

~o~0~o~

There was a little charade Leo had to dance through every two days, Donnie’s check in. Leo felt like Donnie was a little too obsessive about it, but with respect to his own lane (which wasn’t medical) he quietly allowed Doctor Donatello to do whatever he needed to.

For some, silence might mean anger or resentment. Sit in a room with Mikey for too long without a word and he would start asking why you were mad at him. Silence was torture for Mikey, every dinner where things were tense and dead silent, their baby brother suffered. Leo didn’t like that silence either, not when he could hear everyone chewing and every scraping noise of their utensils against their plates. It wasn’t right.

Raph could sit in silence, he couldn’t work in it.

Leo understood that, even if he wasn’t always like that himself. Raph was a good turtle to watch a movie with or hide with. They could sit in stony silence for hours just watching something happen, they could communicate through subtle head bobs and hand gestures.

So when the check-up just consists of Donnie mumbling under his breath while recording things Leo is more than content to just follow orders.

_ Stand on the scale, can do. That’s a blood pressure cuff, oh he’s already putting it on me, oh he already has his numbers, ah the stethoscope is kind of cold, oh a tongue suppressor now, interesting- _

“Have you been making yourself ill?” Donnie asked point blank while clicking his pen light off, the little click echoed in Leo’s head.

He swallowed the spiked ball in the back of his throat. “No.”

His brother squinted before turning away to get something from one of the many drawers in the infirmary. Leo shifted his weight on the bed. This was the bed he would be spending at least two weeks on, and the first three days he wouldn’t be able to move.

“I printed this off for you,” Donnie said, handing Leo seven double sided pages. “It’s not uncommon for victims of sexual assault to later develop eating disorders.”

_ Victims. _

The seven pages made up about six articles, Leo straightened the pages before handing them back to Donnie. “I’m not purging, I’m over that.”

_ I have my shakes now. _

_ And I’m not as pathetic as I was a few weeks ago. _

As much as Leo hated to admit he was flawed, he missed junk food. He missed pizza, chips, candy. All the other stuff he ate in moderation or as treats before his tail was broken. It was hard to go from eating that stuff a few times a week to a diet scavenged from the jungle, and then to suddenly be around all the food… 

He had to purge it.

With his procedure in a week or so, Leo had a way to hold himself back. He still would sometimes take a bag of chips and breathe them in. Let his mouth water for the salty, crunchy, unhealthy food. But he could always pull back, roll the bag back up and clip it knowing he was very close to being able to eat them.

The biggest upset to his quality of life was the fact that the injury to his tail meant passing solid waste was hell. It took a long second for that to kind of sink in with his brothers. Passing liquid waste wasn’t fun either, and he saw the way they would sometimes look at him after going to the bathroom with pained expressions.

It was embarrassing.

They didn’t make jokes but the situation was beyond humiliating. He couldn’t take a shit, he couldn’t drop down, and he couldn’t move his tail.

Donnie’s hand brushed over his head in a very gentle manner. One that lifted Leo out of his thoughts in a way that said, _ “Hey, you just zoned out, come back.” _

“I don’t purge anymore.”

“Okay.”

It was just water.

It helped him sleep.

~o~0~o~

It was hard to let it go.

Retrospectively Leo realized he had two years to come to terms with what had happened. While he was still angry at The Sabors, he wasn’t itching to punch it out or enact more revenge. Leo had killed them, seeing their faces contorted in fear and pain before dying had in the moment been satisfying. Lying on that bed it had been the only fantasy Leo had, to kill them, honor be damned.

Years later he stood silently behind Donnie and Raph as they shifted through photos of the hotel room. They had The Sabors’ life worked out from birth to death and they knew the crime scene had been tampered with.

Looking at the photos Leo agreed the scene had been heavily altered. The placement of the bodies was off. The mattress was gone and the video camera and bulky laptop Leo had destroyed were nowhere to be seen.

As their leader Leo was put in a very uncomfortable position.

Someone (or maybe even multiple someones) knew what happened on those videos was real, and someone repainted the blood at the scene to tell a new story. While The Sabors had utilized zoomed in shots and camera angles to keep their faces hidden it was announced on the news that the cold case was reopened.

Four people dead in a hotel room and no witnesses.

His brothers thought they had to get on top of this.

Leo wanted to leave it behind.

Donnie argued that the Sabors were likely responsible for the disappearances of over twenty-three prostitutes. Bringing them to justice would give peace to those victim’s families.

Raph just wanted to kill whoever released the video.

Mikey had been the only one to say he would follow whatever Leo wanted.

The video became a source of conflict, and Leo found himself in silent agreement with Raph and Donnie but with no strength to actually follow through. Even standing there in the garage behind his two brothers Leo felt gone.

He had long since stopped hearing them talk. He just saw the photos. The bodies. It didn’t feel good to kill them, not in the long run.

It only made him feel like he was supposed to be over it. He had his revenge, what more was left. He lived, they died, living still hurts, dying would have been better. That was the tragic end.

He left the garage silently. Raph and Donnie never even knew he was there. It had to be that way. He wasn’t mad they were still planning to find the fourth person. He knew they had to walk the path of revenge for themselves before they could ever understand that it doesn’t fix anything. There is no finish line or after party.

Just life.

~o~0~o~

To be blunt no one was scrambling over the job opening of “Changing Leo’s Diaper While He’s Bed Ridden,” and there was no way Leo was anywhere near emotionally strong enough to tolerate a catheter or any other type of waste collection tubes Donnie could place. Penetration was something that made Leo panic and close himself away. Donnie hadn’t even suggested it. Hejust put extra large adult diapers on the list he gave April because at least she would be discreet.

She was.

It was still humiliating even trying one on just to make sure there was enough room in the waistline for his shell, and enough slack in the landing zone for his tail to be held straight by the splints Donnie had created.

Once Donnie had confirmed everything, Leo was eager to get out of his attire. His face was set in stone, and his irritation was through the roof. Just trying it on had been disturbing, in a week Donnie would be diapering him, cleaning him, and Leo would have to find a way to channel his lessons in humility. Perhaps he could look at it as a way to further his emotional growth, but right then, Donnie’s fingers were the fingers of those men and they had no business on his tail.

Donnie folded the diaper up and placed it back in its packaging while Leo paced. They did this on their nights, it was a dirty little secret. Donnie would press for establishing touch and Leo would pull away or say nothing. It was hard to weave his words in a way that didn’t scream panic.

As far as Leo was concerned the reality of the situation was very bleak. Dosed up on painkillers and helpless in bed he wouldn’t be in the state to fight Donnie away, but he also knew what was good for him. Marinating in his own shit and piss wasn’t a hill Leo was going to die on.

He could however float away, stare at the ceiling, breathe, pretend to be anywhere else in the world but on a bed helpless with his legs spread.

After the diaper try-on Donnie for once dropped it. He let Leo pace the room for a little bit, then a bit longer all until he was asleep and Leo was still quietly pacing without a sound over the rug.

Complaining about something he wanted was wrong, and he wanted his tail fixed. He wanted his tail fixed for very selfish reasons. So he could show his brothers love, so he could lay comfortably pressed against them without his tail aching.

Not that sleeping with them physically wasn’t enough. It helped with the nightmares, but the ropes his brothers tied around him… the ones they knotted with promises that he was safe and loved, they still needed to be tugged on. It was still up to Leo to reach out and say he was terrified, he was guilty, he was a mess of things.

He still wasn’t sure if killing had been the right choice. He wasn’t sure if he was doing anything right anymore. What he would do to travel back in time and just not go on that run.

He sucked water out of the faucet again, he puked again.

He did it again and again.

And every time he brushed his teeth he chanted in his head that it was the last time. Scraping phlegm and acid off his tongue with sharp bristles while staring at the liar in the mirror. It was the last time he said last time, and the time before that.

He just needed another night where he could sleep soundly.

~o~0~o~

“We are with him for a half hour after he eats, he ain’t doing that shit anymore.”

“Are you sure Raph, are you positive?”

“I think what you’re really asking is if I am cutting corners, and I ain’t. Mikey and I watch him, okay? We watch him and he doesn’t puke, he doesn’t even look in the direction of the bathroom for an hour after eating.”

“His esophagus is irritated.”

“Maybe he’s sick.”

“Eating disorders kill people.”

“If Mikey says there ain’t any missin’ food, and I’m telling you he’s never alone on the surface to get food, and we are on his ass after eating, I don’t know what the fuck is going on.”

He would need to be more careful.

~o~0~o~

Donnie traded with Raph and got more aggressive with his safe touch requirements, just outright suggesting that Mikey and Raph blow off a little steam alone. They hadn’t included Leo in any of their sexual relations, but they were open to him. Arousal was painful, as much as touching Donnie had been nice and made him realize he wanted to have sex with them one day… it hurt so bad to begin to swell up with no release.

There was something wrong with his penis, he knew there was. He wasn’t sure he would be able to use it and there was no clear way to explain his fears to Donnie.

His brother had him lay down on the couch, asking for him to just trust the suggestion.

Leo laid down with his hands gripped together resting over his plastron. He took calm deep breaths and focused on Donnie setting his laptop up to the television having said something about watching a movie they no longer have on DVD. It was a movie his brothers had seen a million times, but Leo only once or twice. One about a 14 year old boy being dumped by his mother on her two older relatives. Leo vaguely remembered something about a lion and a cornfield. He was sure it would come back to him though.

Donnie put it on because it was a light hearted comedy.

It made sense that Donnie would play a familiar movie anyways. Leo wouldn’t need to look at the screen to figure out what was going on and he could fade in and out without losing any of the plot. They had talked a little about Leo’s recovery and ways to make certain things easier. Watching familiar shows and movies, staying away from the current news, and avoiding anything that would pop Leo’s stress free bubble.

A thick blanket was tossed over Leo, he sat up in surprise but Donnie took his shoulders and pressed him back into the couch. “Just, try to relax,” he soothed while bringing the blanket up to Leo’s neck and tucking him in.

“I don't think putting a blanket on me while we do this will make it easier” Leo muttered.

Donnie had in the past done safe touch by having Leo lay on his bed on his back, he would either sit (if it was Leo’s bed he could sit, Leo’s bed was much lower to the ground) or stand (if it was Donnie’s bed he would stand since it was a bed with drawers underneath it) and start at the knees and slowly talk his way up Leo’s legs. The progress wasn’t great, it was a miserable experience for Leo and an equally miserable one for Donnie.

Leo wouldn’t say no; he would leave. His mind would leave and Donnie could do whatever and Leo wouldn’t fight it. That wasn’t the point of safe touch, the point was for Leo to stay present in mind and body and not immediately go catatonic at the first touch of Donnie’s fingers against his tail.

Donnie nodded, “I know it's not pleasant, but I know what happened in that room Leo. Before we had you flat on your back in my bed. I was over you, and you were exposed.” He explained gently, voice dripping with regret.

Subtly while tucking the blanket around him, Leo felt Donnie’s hands rub the outside of his thighs more than needed. Through the fabric the uncomfortable feeling wasn’t as severe, it didn’t make him tense. There was no cool air drifting over his body like in the hotel room.

Donnie took Leo’s legs, lifted them up, and slid himself underneath Leo so his legs were draped over his lap. He fixed the blanket around Leo’s lower half. “We don't have sex in the living room, this is a couch not a bed. I am under you. There is a blanket covering you,” Donnie listed off.

One of Donnie’s hands was on top of the blankets. The one closest to Leo’s head was running up and down the top of his thighs over the blanket. His heart thrummed in his chest but the feeling wasn’t bad. The blanket offered some security. Donnie’s other hand was underneath the blanket, a gentle thumb stroked his kneecap over and over.

“Okay,” Leo said hesitantly. This was not how they usually went about this and despite the way Donnie was touching his thighs, Leo wasn’t freaking out. He wasn’t seeing the hotel room, he wasn’t feeling his tail being held back. He was just on the couch with Donnie.

“You have all the control here Leo.”

Leo could easily get away, it was a blanket. It wasn’t even wrapped around him as tight as when Raph and Donnie had him on the couch after the incident where he became erect. He could just roll off the couch and run if he wanted to, he could throw the blanket over Donnie and run, he had several ways of getting very far away if he wanted to.

But there was a certain comfort to be had lying on the couch with Donnie thumbing his knee gently. “Do you trust me?” he asked. 

Leo took a long second to think about it until he nodded. 

“Then put your arms on top of the blanket, hold my hand with yours.”

Leo shifted, unease washed up his throat. If his hands were above the blanket there would be an obstacle between his hands and Donnie’s hand under the blanket. It wouldn’t be ropes, but the idea that he wouldn’t be able to immediately reach down and shield himself from any fingers or hands or entire thrusting fists-

“Leo,” Donnie said quietly. “Give me your hands, it will be okay, I promise it will be okay.”

Leo removed his hands from under the blanket and tucked the blanket back around his torso. Donnie beckoned him to take his hand, and Leo did, not because he needed to hold his brother’s hand for the support or anything. It was probably just because he knew Donnie would mark it as progress or something if Leo could hold onto his hand.

Donnie gave his hand a gentle squeeze before they both turned their attention to the TV, letting the familiar noise of a story they knew well fill the room while Donnie carefully walked his fingers past Leo’s knee.

As Donnie worked slowly higher up Leo’s thighs, Leo did not squeeze Donnie’s hand for comfort. He merely played with his brother’s hand between his own as a way to distract himself. Their fingers folded together, and Leo stared at the TV and ignored the burning pit in his stomach.

His legs were squeezed together. Donnie’s one hand couldn’t do much to pry his thighs open. Leo tensed when Donnie’s finger tips grazed the bottom lip of his plastron. They looked at each other, their hands fiddled with each other, or maybe more accurately Leo fiddled with Donnie’s hand.

At the same time, Donnie started rubbing the tops of his thighs again, dipping his fingers down between them as far as he could go until Leo made an indignant noise that sounded halfway between a cry and the word “stop.”

Then they were both still. Leo desperately tried to clench his tail up to himself which only caused a searing throb of pain to stab into his spine and pelvis. His heart was beating so hard it was making him dizzy.

He was so stupid to think he would survive Donnie touching his tail with any sort of dignity. He was scared and paralyzed and pathetic. Donnie wasn’t looking at him like he was any of those things though. He was just waiting for Leo to do something.

Leo eased himself back on the couch, swallowing the lump in his throat as he did so. Then, before he thought too hard about it, he opened his thighs enough to expose his tail to Donnie’s hands.

And they stayed like that for a few minutes, long enough for Leo to be sure he wanted Donnie to go further. This was how he would get better, Donnie would touch his tail, it wouldn’t hurt, it would be okay. Then he could trust Donnie to do it again, and again, and when Leo would be helpless in bed after his procedure, he wouldn’t be terrified of getting cleaned up.

“You will never be touched by them again,” Donnie whispered while sliding his hand between Leo’s thighs.

“I know.”

Slowly the back of Donnie’s hand brushed the backside of Leo’s tail. He shuddered at the contact, but Donnie’s approach was very delicate. He didn’t press hard, he was just there running Leo’s spine between his knuckles.

It wasn’t entirely pleasurable, the bone was offset so any movement seemed to pinch. His toes still curled and uncurled beneath the blanket. Donnie was slow and rhythmic, Leo let his shoulders relax and his head fall back. Maybe he was enjoying the gentle petting just a little. It was awfully nice to be touched there.

“I'm sorry your first sexual experience was so horrible,” Donnie whispered.

“It's not your fault.” Leo said back, rubbing his thumbs over Donnie’s knuckles.

Every stroke made Leo feel funny, there was certainly a sexual pleasure involved in tail petting. One that was so nice that Leo couldn’t even think of anything else. The men who raped him never did this, they never treated his tail like some delicate appendage that was worth this much care.

They had yanked on it.

Twisted it.

Mutilated it.

Donnie loved Leo’s tail, how could he think otherwise after feeling this much care. He could feel Donnie trying to map out every scale on it. 

“You were gone a long time Leo,” Donnie whispered sadly. “We should have realized.”

Leo tilted his head to look at Donnie. “Don't, do not put that on yourself,” he warned quietly.

“How can I not?”

There was nothing to say to that, admittedly Leo was an adult and didn’t need his brothers to babysit him.

Getting raped was his own fault.

Donnie worked a finger between Leo’s body and his clenched tail, Leo’s ankles rolled in response. “Can I pull your tail down?” he asked.

“It hurts to have it moved,” Leo said, grimacing.

“I know.”

“You won’t... go in right?” Leo asked.

He had to ask, as crazy as it was to think that Donnie would jam a dry finger into him, Leo knew what that felt like. He knew how it pulled and caught and how unforgiving that friction was like his skin was getting rubbed off while his muscles bared down to make it worse.

Donnie squeezed his hands, “External touch only, I promise.”

Leo knew he could trust Donnie, he mouthed the word yes.

“We were having sex you know,” Donnie said as Leo gritted through the sharp but quick pain of his tail being pushed down, leaving his slit completely exposed. “We were probably having sex at the same time you were being raped and when we got done having sex we assumed you were home,” he murmured while running the pad of his finger softly up and down the inside of Leo’s tail. “It was late. Mikey watched some TV, I went to my lab. I checked the logs to see when you came home before shutting down for the night and my heart dropped out of my chest when I saw the door hadn’t opened in... hours. You were still out.”

Donnie didn’t wince at how hard Leo was holding his hand, how much he needed to keep Donnie in his mind so he didn’t slip somewhere else. His face was a little warm, the pain was gone and now Donnie’s fingers were sending tingles into his tail. Leo knew if his penis worked the way it did two years ago it would be out.

“I was freaking out, you shouldn’t have been gone so long,” Donnie whispered, he was giving Leo something to focus on with his words. “When you came home you slipped into the bathroom before I could get a look at you and I knew something was wrong because you didn’t say anything about being gone so long so I got Raph and we stood outside the door and listened to you. You know what happened next. Dammit I saw your ankles Leo but your wrists were fine and you were so sick and I thought you had passed out from your fever I should have- I should have known-”

His ankles rolled, now his tail ached with desperate arousal. “I went out of my way to keep it a secret Donnie,” he gasped out. He tried to hide his own shallow breathing.

Was this what he was missing out on for years? This kind of touch and care, he was this close to making some very embarrassing noises.

“I wish I could go back, I really do,” Donnie said miserably and the conversation really didn’t fit the storm of arousal sprouting between Leo’s legs.

He sat up realizing he was getting very excited. He really didn’t want to repeat having his erect penis tucked back into his tail situation. “Can I admit something?” Leo asked with one leg still draped over Donnie’s thighs.

“Yes,” Donnie said, leaning forward to place a kiss on the side of Leo’s head. Leo let it slide even though they were in the living room. His mates always slipped him kisses and then ran away before he could scold them for doing it outside the bedroom.

It was the kind of game he could get used to.

He leaned against Donnie. “I don’t know how to fix this,” he admitted. “The only reason I came back is because April came and told me I had to but I was staying in Central America because it was easier than coming back here.”

Donnie reached up and stroked the back of his skull.

“I fear Master Splinter was right. I am lost and I was sent away to train and I didn’t come back any different.”

“Leo…” Donnie sighed out, “you cannot be expected to heal alone. We need each other. The four of us need each other to get through this.”

Leo nodded while pressing himself closer to Donnie. He was feeling a little more cuddly than usual, he wanted to get as close to Donnie as possible. He could trust Donnie.

“It’s scary how much you fit right in with us,” Donnie whispered while hugging Leo close. “We love you, we wish we could have had you like this sooner.”

Leo found himself wishing the same thing. Wouldn’t it have been so nice to be with them before everything, like in those wonderful and horrible dreams where they save him from that hotel room.

It would have been so nice.

“Lets go to bed, okay?” Donnie suggested. “Tomorrow we can do this again okay?”

He nodded, this time the idea of Donnie doing it again seemed… pleasant.

~o~0~o~

The first thing he really wanted to do was lie down. Blood trickled down the inside of his legs, his tail was a source of insane pain, now hanging between his legs very clearly broken. He stumbled over to the wall and braced himself there.

The first thought was to check the men for a phone, to call home and ask for help.

Quickly that idea was tossed aside.

What had happened here was disgraceful. He was sexually violated, his tail was broken, he had murdered three men… he would lose everything if they found him like this.

Peeling his sticky hand from the wall he remembered the camera and the laptop. He stepped over the bodies and swung at the camera cutting it in half, bits of plastic and glass went flying across the room. He picked up the laptop and threw it at the wall where it split in half at the hinge.

There it was gone.

No one would know.

His head spun, there was so much evidence. His bloody handprints on the wall, the room smelled of wet pennies, he was leaving bloody non-human footprints. His rear end was seething with immense pain. He had to get the blood off, he had to get home, he had to cover this up.

Home was so far away.

He wanted his home and his brothers, he shook the blood off his katanas and dotted the wallpaper in blood. The bathroom was the next step, he would clean himself up and go home. There were saws on the sink and newspaper on the floor, that was right, the boy before him was in here. He heard them talking about the body, he pulled back the shower curtain and stumbled back.

That was a lot of blood, they dismembered the boy and he couldn’t move. He was frozen and the air was thick again. He sucked in a huge breath, he couldn’t pass out here, he couldn’t.

“Leo it’s okay,” Donnie said.

“Can’t breathe!” Leo gasped, clawing at his own neck. “Donnie I can’t breathe!”

Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, pinning his arms to his side. Immediately he tried to buck the person off letting out a strangled cry.

“Leo! Stop!”

He wouldn’t go back on the bed, they were dragging him towards the bed, he screamed and kicked with one leg while trying to dig the other into the ground. “No no no!” he screamed.

It took so much to get out of that bed he wasn’t going back without a fight.

It wouldn’t happen again.

He made contact with something hard, his attacker yelped out in pain but didn’t let go. Leo heard his name again, it was Donnie, he kicked again and this time his attacker wrestled him to the floor. The room went dark, he was passing out.

“Donnie!” Leo sobbed trying to squirm away. “Donnie help me! Please!”

His brother's hands gently cupped his face, Leo gulped and let out a shuddering breath at the feel of Donnie’s calloused scales. 

Another attacker came from the front and pinned him, Leo kicked his legs trying to keep them away. He was blind now, he couldn’t see anything. It had to be shock, maybe he had been hit with something. 

“Careful of his tail!” Donnie warned, his fingers holding Leo’s skull tightly.

Donnie was supposed to help Leo, now he was holding his skull steady. Leo clenched his jaw shut and desperately tried to jerk his head free while four legs managed to twist around his own preventing him from kicking. Fear shot through his veins. They had him restrained and they were going to pry his legs apart and shove themselves up inside him.

“Please!” Leo began to beg, “please just kill me!”

Those calloused fingers just gently stroked his cheeks. “You’re okay Leo,” Donnie whispered. “You’re safe-”

Donnie didn’t understand, he tried again to get away but the two pinning him were strong. “Donnie you have to help me!” he choked out. “They were going to shove it up me!”

“What were they going to shove up you, Leo?”

“My katana!” he cried. “Please don’t let them take me, please Donnie!”

“Holy fuck, what the fuck, _ what the actual fuck- _”

“Raph!” Donnie scolded. “Leo, you got out of there remember? You came home. You’re home right now.”

Leo shook his head, if Donnie wasn’t going to listen he wasn’t going to talk anymore. They could rape him again in silence. He didn’t even fight when Donnie’s fingers went from his head to his neck, gently massaging the tensed muscles. Leo checked out letting himself go slack, letting his chest rise and fall rapidly as he still struggled for air.

The attackers on either side of him loosened their grips but Leo didn’t care, he was just waiting for one of them to grab his tail and jam themselves up him. He kept his eyes closed.

He was okay with dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)


	6. Stage 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)

_I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head_

_They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead_

_And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head_

_They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead_

[“Control” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNRHD5LkpCw)\- Halsey

* * *

**-Pain-**

* * *

When he woke up he learned their side of the story.

He had in the middle of the night gone insane, he started stumbling around their home. He punched Donnie in the throat for trying to steer him back to bed and when he got his katana and started swinging they had to intervene.

During his episode he did trash a room, their fathers room. He broke a DVD player and a shelf. He toppled the boxes he had packed undoing days of work. Leo felt he deserved that. They restrained him, got the katana away from him and tried to talk him down but it had been unsuccessful. Leo hyperventilated himself unconscious and woke up several hours later in the same spot with blankets and pillows around him.

Raph and Mikey stayed next to him until he came back, they kept their hands on his shell the whole time. They even talked to him but Leo didn’t remember any of that. Donnie had tended to bruised shins and hurt throats and Leo felt like a monster.

He was unstable.

They argued he wasn’t unstable, he was processing trauma.

He asked them if he said anything during his episode.

They told him he hadn’t said a word.

He was relieved by that.

~o~0~o~

Raph was far too manly to accept Leo’s request to kiss his shins as an apology, so Mikey “volunteered as tribute” and Leo laid Mikey down in the Dojo and gently kissed his undamaged shins for ten minutes. He sat between Mikey’s legs and planted long soft kisses up his shins. Trading between each leg. He would have gone longer but Mikey was squirming a lot. Very quickly after Leo had thoroughly apologized, Raph dragged Mikey by the foot out of the Dojo.

Perhaps it was his inexperience but Leo didn’t think offering to kiss the wounds he inflicted was sexual, however Mikey and Raph had a scent about them that said otherwise. “You’re next,” Leo said, pulling Donnie to the front of the Dojo. 

His brother touched his neck self consciously, the dark bruise already blooming.

“Leo, it’s okay, r-really,” Donnie stammered, he too smelled of arousal. “You weren’t where you thought you were.”

Leo hummed prompting his brother to sit and then guided him to lay down on his carapace. “Let me apologize,” Leo whispered, straddling Donnie’s waist.

Donnie made a high noise in the back of his throat. “Oh, okay if you insist,” he whimpered.

Leo stroked his cheeks before tilting his head up, he carefully lowered his mouth to the bruise and barely made contact before lifting up and shifting to place another kiss. Donnie immediately churred out in submission and Leo paused. “Is this why Raph and Mikey left?” he asked. “Is this… sexual?”

“You uhm, while you were uh… apologizing to Raph using Mikey, your eyes were uh…” Donnie chuckled nervously. “They were doing that.”

“Looking?”

“You have some serious bedroom eyes when kissing Leo,” Donnie said nervously. “It makes you kind of intimidating- in a sexual way.”

Leo twisted his mouth, “Should I find a better way to apologize?”

Donnie shook his head quickly. “Nope, no, no, please continue,” he stammered, lifting his chin to expose his neck. “Just ignore any noises I make and remember I am super submissive.”

“If you say so...” Leo said slowly, then very gently returned to his kissing. Donnie made a symphony of high chirps and churrs while Leo just kissed him. It didn’t last very long before Donnie had to leave suddenly and attend to something in his room alone.

Leo was left in the Dojo to meditate about his brother’s strange behavior, and more concerningly his own violent episode of sleepwalking.

~o~0~o~

To be safe, he purged out of habit. If he was too tired to dream he was too tired to have nightmares and hurt his family.

His phlegm was getting thicker and his face was a little puffier than it should be. He knew it was bad, he knew it wasn’t right. He knew if he told them or if they found out they would be mad.

He knew it was deadly.

But it was also working.

~o~0~o~

“Come on Leo we got like three things and they’re all just different types of pizza!” Mikey whined, his chin rested on the kitchen table like he was seven and being lectured.

Leo stirred his shake with his straw, he still had a third to go and his stomach was killing him. He had gained the appropriate amount of weight but with training he still needed a lot of calories.

Mikey had the thoughtful idea of trying to make a list of all the foods Leo couldn’t eat but really missed. However that was complicated, if Leo was being honest he wanted to eat an entire loaf of white bread. He had cravings for things his brothers wouldn’t even find pleasant.

He would devour a box of Grape Nuts cereal, or any cereal in general. There were certain things he could have in extreme moderation but the correlation between less pain going to the bathroom and strictly following his diet was very strong. Leo savored the little square of dark chocolate he could have once a day after dinner. It wasn’t Mikey’s homemade fudge and peanut butter swirled brownies but it was enough.

“Bread sticks?” Leo said, unsure if that would be a satisfactory answer. His stomach turned over as he took another reluctant sip of his shake. It was insane how real this was, in a few days Donnie would reset his tail, and in a month or so he would be able to eat all the foods he wanted. 

Mikey was giving him a disappointed stare. 

“Cheesy bread sticks?” he amended.

Mikey sighed, “Dude bread sticks are just pizza bones, c’mon this is your celebration. You gotta have all the food!”

Leo gave him a sheepish smile before standing up, “Mikey, I don’t obsess over the foods I can’t eat.”

“How about a variety plate of all the chip flavors I can find?” Mikey asked while scribbling the idea down, “Oh and pie! Blueberry pie! No, too fruity, blueberry cake! Leo I will make you a cake!”

His mouth watered at the sound of Mikey’s suggestion. “That sounds wonderful,” he said, sucking the rest of his shake into his mouth before Mikey could tell him not to dump it down the drain.

Now that Donnie was aware of his inflamed esophagus, his brothers were very watchful around Leo’s meals.

He turned and backwashed the shake back down the straw into the glass before quickly washing it in the sink. Avoiding both Mikey’s eyes and the pain of filling his stomach. They returned to their list of foods and Leo managed to add a few more things like certain meats. It was enough to get Mikey’s gears turning and Leo half listened while his stomach cramped.

Hopefully it wasn’t a sign of something worse to come.

“Does it hurt like… every time you move your tail?” Mikey asked, tapping his pencil against the table.

They didn’t outright ask questions like that, Donnie would of course but only during check-ups. His two other brothers tended to not want to talk about it, Leo didn’t want to either. If they did they would ask the way Mikey did, with a tone that was pleading for him to say it didn’t hurt.

Leo nodded, “But it’s not too bad Mikey.”

His brother nodded back, “How do you feel about hush puppies?”

~o~0~o~

Practice had to be limited to indoors. The winter months sucked for that reason. No sewer runs, and no patrols. The Dojo was the only way for Leo to blow off a little steam. His brothers had for the past few training sessions given Leo’s katanas uneasy looks. It made Leo guilty, in his blackout he had terrorized them with his weapons and forced them to restrain him.

Even after his flashback Raph had given Leo’s swords a strange look. Feeling the handles and grimacing. He wouldn’t elaborate when Leo pointed it out, and while Raph’s behavior was strange it was explainable given what he had done.

Since then Leo had also found his hands lingering on the long rigid handles of his swords and what might have happened that night. He often wondered if he would ever be able to pick up his swords again had that happened. Or if he would have developed a repulsion to his beloved weapons and refused to ever grab them again.

Of course Raph didn’t know about that, or about the scenarios Leo sometimes thought up when he was alone. None of them knew about that little detail of The Sabors’ attack and Leo would never tell them. Raph and his brothers were giving his swords weary eyes because he had gone on a midnight rampage with them.

Still that staring got to him. Their weird looks and grimaces. He wouldn’t say it didn’t influence his decision to cut their training short just a hair. He needed to do something about the blow to their trust. The idea of another family meeting wasn’t pleasant but maybe they could talk about him putting his katanas somewhere else in the lair. If they were scared of his weapons during the day maybe his flashback was worse than he thought.

He had said a lot of very violent things to The Sabors. Threats to lop off parts of them. Promises of murder. If he had said anything of that severity with that much hate of course his brothers would be scared of him. Of course they wouldn’t tell him what he had actually said. That bothered Leo but at the same time he was allowed to live in blissful ignorance.

It hardly mattered now. He was making himself extremely lightheaded before bed anyways. There wouldn’t be another instance of him having a walking nightmare.

Maybe one day, when his tail was fixed and he was better he could ask his brothers what he said.

Today he ended training early.

~o~0~o~

When he dismissed training he closed himself into Master Splinter’s old room. Mikey had cleaned up the glass but the packed boxes needed to be repacked. For Leo it felt fitting that he should spend the day cleaning alone, they were a day away from their medical supply gathering mission. All of which was for his benefit.

Splinters things were easily repacked, maybe too easily. It seemed like it should have been harder for him to just remove all traces of his father. After everything they had been through together, as a family, a unit. How could Leo just send his father away?

The floor was dirty, Leo guessed the room had been annexed off everyone’s chores list. No one wanted to sweep up memories. Leo had nothing better to do so he retrieved the broom and the dust pan and set out to at least get rid of the sandy grit feeling under his feet. His brothers were off on their own activities, Mikey was skateboarding, Raph and Donnie were in the lab with The Sabors in their sights. Looking for revenge to stitch up their anger with while Leo was slowly adopting the live and let live attitude.

The Lair seemed to reflect that.

Things were messier, dishes weren’t done as quickly but they still got done. Music players, DVD’s, comic books, real books, his brother’s possessions seemed more in the home. The place looked lived in and Leo wasn’t about to trade that feeling in for the one they had with their father.

His brother’s weren’t his subordinates, he wasn’t going to order them to clean. They were four adults. The household would function without Leo constantly cracking the whip. If he was being honest it was nice to sweep without fear of being scolded.

That was why on a whim he ended up pushing the broom under a table, while pulling it out he bumped the table up. When it landed back down a drawer slid open on the side. 

Leo paused, a secret drawer in his father’s room?

He pulled the drawer out fully, at first he didn’t recognize what he was looking at. Envelopes. At least a hundred envelopes.

At random he pulled them out, some were addressed to him but opened. The others were all from him addressed to his family, all of them unopened. Sealed and untouched.

It didn’t make sense.

If they didn’t open them, then how did they read them?

~o~0~o~

There was a mistake, there had to be.

So he took the whole drawer into the kitchen and asked his brothers to join him. A half an hour later his three siblings were yelling at each other, slamming their hands down. Envelopes became wrinkled, hurtful words were spread back and forth.

Master Splinter read the letter Leo’s brothers sent him while he was away, hid them, and fabricated responses to those letters and hid the actual mail Leo sent. It couldn’t be real. How could his father do that to him?

For years his siblings had been writing to him and he had no idea. He got one letter a month from Splinter telling him he would try his hardest to get his brothers to write. He implied that his siblings were angry about his abrupt departure and that Leo should channel his forgiveness towards them.

“I can’t fucking believe this shit!” Raph bellowed, “That piece of shit!”

“There is an explanation,” Leo said calmly while staring at the center of the table. He fought the urge to read just one. They seemed to have written to him a lot. He would have loved those letters while he was away. He had missed them so terribly.

Raph pounded his fist on the table, “If he shows his fucking face around here-”

“Raph.” Mikey pleaded trying to get him to calm down, while Donnie came to stand behind Leo. The touch helped, actually the touch was really needed.

“There is an explanation.” Leo said again, higher pitched with his voice threatening to break.

Raph turned his head and scoffed, “Yeah there is, an’ it’s what I’ve been thinking for a while. Our dear father fucking sent you away with the hope you wouldn’t come back.”

They yelled more, they yelled about Splinter and what his intentions were and Leo faded in and out unable to talk. He could only sit and listen to them and try to come up with an argument for why Splinter would do this. Maybe there was a lesson, maybe he wanted to make sure Leo stayed away long enough to actually get better.

Donnie rubbed his neck and shoulders and murmured words into the back of his head. Leo didn’t hear the words but he felt them, they were coated in nice things like it was okay to be shocked and that whatever negative thoughts he was having towards himself weren’t to be listened to.

But Leo couldn’t help but realize his father was done with him before learning about the incest. He tossed Leo away for being raped.

And that hurt like nothing else in the world.

It was the middle of the day but he slipped into bed. Body drained of any energy to do anything else but hide under soft covers. He played the final conversation with his father over and over in his head.

What if coming back had been a mistake?

~o~0~o~

It should have been harder than it was to gather all the things they needed from the hospital. Not because he wanted them to get hurt or have a close call… but because after everything it felt like someone was spitting in his face.

Three hours, no rogue nurses, no technical faults.

Everything wrong with Leo could now be fixed with the items in their infirmary. Everything could be undone. His father casting him away, the rape, the one injury he still holds from that night. It will all get straightened out in less than ten minutes of drugged up delirium and a few weeks of recovery.

They went over the list twice and the staging, the itemized schedule sat out on Donnie's desk, Leo watched his finger numbly run under every word. The same fingers that would fix his tail. Donnie had the faithful day scheduled for three days from then when April and Casey would be available for backup. Not that they expected issues but five “protectors” available when Leo was down did help ease him a little.

Donnie was meticulous in his checklists. There wasn’t a risk of Leo dying, they weren’t truly sedating him like he was going in for surgery. He would be numbed and dosed up to the eyeballs in sedatives. He would remain somewhat conscious but would not care that his tail was being broken or where he was.

Raph and Mikey promised to be there next to Leo’s head just like the exam, to talk to him, to distract him. 

It still sounded horrifying.

“Was I supposed to come home better?” Leo asked, it was the closest he had gotten to saying anything more about the letters and Leadership Training. He had been a wall since finding them. It hurt too much to even address.

Donnie paused. “Were you supposed to recover fully after being raped violently, forced to starve yourself, and stripped of your entire support network?”

When it was put like that, Leo just felt stupid.

~o~0~o~

No one had the urge to sleep after the hospital. They had gone in expecting trouble, expecting that they would need to go to another hospital for certain things. So there was no exhaustion to greet them at home, not when they had worked themselves up for trouble and found none. Not when their bodies pumped out adrenaline and poisoned their minds.

They watched a movie, _ Batman Begins _ because they had all seen it and it would be easy to watch without thinking too hard.

Cable was still banned, the video was talked about too often. The spectacle of it was too grand, and Leo had to live with the fact that Karai and her Foot Soldiers had seen it. That any and all of their friends and allies have seen it. Maybe they wouldn’t know who it was out of all of them but that hardly made a difference. Leo's shame and embarrassment still scrubbed him raw.

He felt cold and warm. Sick to his stomach with a constant burning anxiety. Feverishly he scrubbed at his forearms again, trying to pull the fuzzy feeling away from his chest. The congestion and shortness of breath that precedes an episode. A melt down.

He was discreet, sitting closest to the television and keeping his movements tight. His brothers were on the couch behind him. Normally he would have taken Master Splinter’s lazy boy and reclined all the way back to keep the pressure off his hind end.

Right then he needed to scratch and claw at himself and beat down a rising thought.

Panic was this demon that Leo could see coming a mile away and it would never matter. Panic was a slow moving train and he was tied to the tracks.

Master Splinter sent him away to get better, he couldn’t get better because his tail was broken. He was mutilated. He was living with an injury that reminded him multiple times a day that he had been raped. Leo could accept that, he could wrap his mind around that. It was with terrible dread that Leo wondered about after his procedure.

For once it wasn’t surviving Donnie’s care afterwards. That train had hit him already. Leaving him smeared on the tracks like a squashed penny. Now the fear was after everything. There would be expectations to be better. To no longer puke himself tired. To no longer have nightmares.

What if he failed?

What if Donnie fixed him but he somehow stayed broken?

What if he never stopped thinking about the hotel room and the men? What if his brothers sent him away to try again? Could he survive another year and a half alone, missing them more than he thought he ever could? Would they send him away after everything?

Quickly those fears morphed into facts, hard facts that he dug into his skin. A tremble grasped his body. They were going to send him away after his tail was fixed. It made sense now. That way he could actually get better but he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to get sent away. He would drown without one of them in his bed at night, he could not go back to being so alone and so far away.

It was panic. Pure irrational panic. He stood up and the living room spun, but he fought through it and pushed himself upstairs to his bedroom. He closed the door and felt his way to the end of his bed. In the corner, against the wall and the end of his bed frame he sucked in a gasping breath.

Panic attacks hurt, his sternum felt like it was trying to push down and touch the inside of his spine. His chest was heavy and his neck seized up. His skull throbbed and his lungs retched open and forced air in. The air was thin, it never felt like air, it felt like he was drowning on dry land.

He kicked his legs involuntarily, his limbs felt tingly and shaky. He didn’t feel in control of anything and his brothers were going to send him away.

“Leo?” Raph asked, knocking on his door.

He whimpered out, there was a pull in his stomach to run to Raph, to seek any protection or reassurance. Raph entered immediately, the door swung open letting light in, showing Raph exactly where Leo was. He wasted no time coming to Leo, brown eyes full of concern as he cupped Leo's face.

Leo was sure his mask was wet, that there was undeniable evidence that he was sobbing over thoughts he knew were stupid but couldn’t help but lose his mind over. “Talk to me,” Raph implored while Leo locked his hands around his brother’s wrists. His hands were coated in sweat. “What’s going on?”

“I- I don't want to go. I don't want to go-” Leo begged.

“Where? The bathroom?” Raph asked.

Leo swallowed with a lot of effort. “N-no, I don't want to go, I don't want to leave. I didn't want to leave,” he whispered frantically. The words were all touching on the way out of his mouth.

His brother frowned, “Where do you- ah fuck!” Raph cursed, closing his eyes. “No. No you are not going anywhere,” he said firmly but quietly as he shifted to pull Leo into a hug.

“What if Donnie fixes my tail but I'm still-” _ a mess? _ He couldn’t finish, his throat cinched up leaving him to open and close his mouth with no sound.

Raph reached to the end of Leo’s bed where he had a thick blanket folded. Depending on how cold it was he always had a blanket or two on standby. “You ain't going anywhere, you'll have to claw your way out of my arms,” he said gruffly as he tucked the blanket around Leo and pulled him into his lap.

Leo let this happen, his limbs were not cooperating and his breathing was still uneven, his hands trembled along Raph’s biceps and plastron looking for something.

“What's going on?” Donnie asked coming into the room, Mikey behind him turning on the lights.

“Whatchamacallit,” Raph said. “Panic attack, I guess.”

Leo no longer cared about honor, Raph felt safe. The blanket felt safe. He believed Raph when he said there was no way he was getting sent away. Like a child he buried his wet face into Raph’s neck, his brother tilted his head to accommodate the position.

Donnie and Mikey crawled to them on their hands and knees, the former already started fishing in the blankets for Leo’s wrist and pulse. The latter wrestled around Raph to gently pet the top of Leo’s head. 

“What do you mean you guess?” Donnie asked while taking Leo’s pulse.

“Donnie just do something,” Raph demanded, voice raising.

“We got all the stuff, right Leo?” Mikey soothed, running his fingers over Leo’s scalp. “So your butt will get better.”

Leo twisted his wrist away from Donnie (not that Donnie had been holding on tightly at all), and locked his arms around Raph and tried to press his whole body into the other turtle. 

Raph returned the sentiment by pulling Leo closer in. “He said something about his tail being fixed and being sent away,” Raph said.

“Leo.” Donnie breathed out touching the back of his skull like he could wipe away that fear. Like he could scoop it out of the folds in his brain.

“Why would we fix his butt and then send him away?” Mikey asked.

“Stop saying that,” Raph growled, tightening his grip.

“But his butt is broke-” Mikey said.

Donnie cut the conversation off with a stern hushing before running his hand over the top of Leo’s carapace. The back of his other hand pet Leo’s skull. “Leo what's going on?” Donnie asked. “Do you think we’ll make you leave?”

He couldn’t answer that, he could only cling to Raph and let green three fingered hands touch the areas he had previously deemed safe. They knew how hard it was during a panic attack to express anything but fear. They knew holding Leo’s hands, rubbing his arms, upper carapace or head were okay. He tried to breathe in Raph’s scent and focus on their touch.

“It is kind of fucked though,” Mikey said quietly.

“What?” Raph asked, half distracted.

“I mean the letters,” Mikey said, tracing Leo’s fingers where they locked together behind Raph’s shell. “The fact that Leo was super not okay and Splinter still sent him away. Like... we're his kids, right?” Mikey asked painfully, “Leo is his kid, right? Shouldn't that mean something? It's Splinter supposed to be the most understanding one?”

It wasn’t something Leo was ready to talk about. Not with everything else. It was another weight to hold while trying to swim and he was already so tired.

“It is fucked.” Raph said, and he pushed his words into Leo’s ear-slit, enough to make Leo shudder in a breath and bury himself harder.

“And it would make sense that Leo would fear that happening again,” Donnie mused. They had always done that, made it sound like the things he was worried about weren’t stupid.

Raph nodded against the side of Leo’s face. “We would never,” he said and Mikey echoed it while kissing Leo’s head.

They sat like that for a few more moments, more rubbing, more holding. The blanket was tucked around his feet by Donnie and fished around Raph’s back by Mikey so there was barely any of Leo exposed. As if they could plaster him there permanently.

“You with us Leo?” Donnie asked, he had to check, to make sure Leo wasn’t just gone because that would happen, but he wasn’t, not yet.

He nodded to let Donnie know he was listening, that he was slowly pulling himself together. Coughing up the water and taking in air, no CPR needed this time.

“Can one of you grab another blanket he is vibrating,” Raph said and immediately Donnie’s hands left and another blanket was harvested from Leo’s bed and tucked around him.

Their hands worked quietly and he was plastered once again, “Here, it's okay Leo,” Donnie whispered. “We'll talk about when you can.”

He lifted his head up from Raph’s neck. “I'm sorry,” he croaked, throat tight and filled with mucus. It wasn’t pretty. He slid his hand up Raph’s shell and thumbed his tears away. “I was just having a moment. I am okay now.”

They knew it was a lie, they saw his shaking hands. Even Raph was half holding him steady. “No more fears about us sending you away?” Mikey asked as Donnie took one of Leo’s hands and cradled it in his own, eye ridges pinched in concern.

“I was just getting myself worked up,” Leo assured, already finding his voice and pulling out his thread and needles, sewing that mask back in place. Bedroom or not Leo had spent too much time shivering like a baby over an irrational fear.

He pulled his hand free from Donnie’s only to have it captured by Raph who squeezed his trembling digits between his own. “You've barely eaten today, I think you should eat something,” Donnie said.

“I'm not hungry,” Leo claimed, stomach twisting at the idea of food when he already felt sick.

“I wasn't asking,” Donnie said in a heavy tone. “Today has been stressful and you've barely taken in more than a few ounces of food each meal.”

“I can make something easy to eat!” Mikey said, standing up to go do that.

Leo sometimes wished Mikey wasn’t so eager to help. He shuddered from the breeze that Mikey created, being packed so tightly next to Raph had spoiled him. Raph was like a furnace, as close as they would get to a furnace. He held on to heat better than any of them. 

“You're safe now Leo,” Raph said while looking at Donnie. He wanted the family doctor to confirm it but all he got in return was uneasy silence.

~o~0~o~

Raph almost carried Leo to the kitchen. Leo had continued to insist he was okay but he was cold and admittedly he was hungry. Donnie tucked a blanket around his shoulders while muttering something about turning the heat up. It wasn’t like they had to worry about it being too warm for their father anymore. 

Why suffer needlessly.

In the kitchen Mikey sat down a saucer with two poached eggs. One of the few actual foods Leo could have with some calming tea, Mikey put some chamomile and spearmint together to make a soothing cup. No one else ate, they just watched Leo get his small meal over with before going back to the living room.

They looked concerned, but there was little Leo could do to comfort them. His stomach hurt badly, in part he wanted to go to bed but now he feared lying flat would cause him to vomit. It turned out he was closer to throwing up than he thought because he did so in his hands. His brothers took instinctive steps back but Leo had only consumed two eggs and a cup of tea, it was up and out quickly and one of them grabbed the trash bin from the kitchen and brought it to him so they could try to contain the mess.

Now he really was woozy and light headed, worse than he would have been had he just held off on eating for the rest of the night. Donnie had an iron stomach. Sure Raph and Mikey could eat anything, but Donnie was the one that didn’t even blink at blood, puke, and shit. So naturally he was the one to order Mikey and Raph away. Reassuring them it was okay and taking Leo into the bathroom.

That’s where the room really spins, where his vision gets framed in. He rinsed his mouth out, swished the water around and his teeth hurt. Then it felt like a shard of ice got lodged in his jaw. 

He spit out pink water and his back molar crumbled into three pieces. Shaking and confused at how his tooth fell out of his skull he reached into his mouth to fish the bits of enamel out. Red painted fingers came back out and Donnie collected the piece of teeth, told him not to swallow anything and then popped his head into the hall to call for Raph.

~o~0~o~

A pot of coffee for Donnie and three hours of emergency dentistry later Leo had three fillings and the remainder of his one broken tooth fished out of his gums. His face was numb, he was exhausted.

The gauze pieces in his mouth reminded him of the gag and it spiked his heart rate to feel the fabric in the back of his mouth. Donnie didn’t think to warn Leo about it because it was a piece of gauze, and when Donnie did give him a questioning stare Leo averted his eyes, opened his mouth, and let Donnie continue.

Donnie demanded answers and after staying up so late to fix his mouth Leo had to confess. And as strange as it was that he was doing this thing with water; that thing made him feel better. That thing allowed him to sleep, allowed him to pass out.

He told Donnie sometimes his vision would be messed up afterwards, and his heart would hurt. If Donnie was mad or disappointed he hid it behind a neutral face. He didn’t scold Leo, even though Leo really deserved it. After everything, after asking for help he still did stupid things like that and now he knew Donnie was worried about his esophagus and his heart.

Donnie said he could have died, he could rupture his esophagus. It was just water, Leo didn’t know if he believed that or wished it had happened. A really horrible feeling rose up in his chest ever since the letters. Ones that made him wish he had died that night. Ones that made him want to waste away.

There was nothing to say to Donnie about that so instead he closed his eyes and buried deeper in the pillows on the infirmary bed.

Donnie didn’t know what to do. 

Leo didn’t either.

There was no father figure to default to. Who steers their family when the driver suddenly passes out behind the wheel. Leo didn’t want to be in charge of this anymore. He couldn’t see the road.

He was still treading water with no land in sight.

They will fix his tail and then he’ll still be messed up so what was the point?

“I need to talk to Raph,” Donnie said, his tone was clipped. “Mikey is going to watch you while I’m gone.”

Leo didn’t acknowledge that. He couldn’t have done anything anyways. He was sick, his head hurt. He wanted to sleep for the next several days. He wanted to sleep until his procedure then sleep some more because he wasn’t living, he was simply existing and it hurt.

~o~0~o~

He slept like someone was checking on him every twenty minutes.

Getting his teeth drilled into and losing his back right top molar, a wisdom tooth with deep roots that took Donnie a long time to dig out, had given him a huge headache the following morning. Leo had never been drunk or had a hangover but he figured this was comparable.

When Donnie shook his shoulder the next day Leo was curled up in the fetal position on one side, his pillow was wet. Something Donnie noticed and frowned at. It was like the pillow cases in the infirmary were purposefully light gray so any moisture would be extremely obvious.

Like Leo wanted to broadcast that he had quietly wept to himself most of the night.

Again Donnie just observed for a second before speaking. “Lift your head,” he said, and Leo did, propping himself up on his elbow while Donnie took his pillow and flipped it over to the dry side.

Leo laid back down against the soft cotton fabric. It felt much better than the tear soaked side. “Thanks,” he mumbled around the pieces of gauze in his cheeks.

“We need to talk.” Donnie said, pulling his stool over to Leo’s bedside and lowering it to be more at Leo’s eye level. “I’ve already talked to Mikey and Raph, so this is actually just me talking.”

He nodded, Donnie shifted his position on the stool.

“The situation has spiraled out of control,” Donnie said. “You are purging multiple times a day to sleep, your teeth are in shambles. I will not be surprised if you lose another one even if the purging stops this instant. We are aware that mentally things are way worse than you are willing to admit to, not that we can even blame you because the last time you showed that vulnerability you were sent away.”

Now that Leo was awake the blood soaked gauze in the back of his mouth was more noticeable, it coated the teeth he still had in that penny taste. Copper and acid.

Donnie seemed to notice because he got up and retrieved a pair of long tweezers and a dish, he prompted Leo to sit up and open his mouth.

“So now, I am making a decision for you,” he said, pulling a piece of soaked bandage out of Leo’s mouth. “As a doctor, and you don’t get to pull the leader card or the head of the house card,” he warned. “I am taking control of the situation.”

With the tweezers and gauze removed Leo let his tongue run over his fillings and the hole in his gums while Donnie disposed of the old gauze and brought fresh ones over.

He watched as Donnie wiped down the tweezers, “You are a danger to yourself. You are the largest and most deadly threat to your own life, Leo. You could die making yourself vomit. Eating disorders kill, and while I don’t exactly know what to call this behavior, it’s a very harmful coping mechanism-”

“I can’t sleep without it.” Leo cut in.

Donnie stopped folding the gauze into little pads. “Yes you can-”

“When I do I risk waking up and attacking you. I can’t be attacking my family. I can’t grab my katanas in the middle of the night and forget where I am-”

“No, you can. There are options,” Donnie said sternly. “There are supplements we can try. Melatonin, L-tryptophan, other over the counter sleep aids.”

He doubted that would work, or that it would prevent him from sleep walking.

“And if it’s not just sleep, if maybe it’s a little bit of everything,” he said, lowering his voice. “If you need more help than just that we can get more help.”

Leo turned his head away, this was getting out of hand but Donnie was throwing him more ropes and not pulling him anywhere. “Master Splinter sent me away but I don’t understand how things would have changed had I stayed,” he explained. “There isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel-”

“What about your tail, what about a life where you can eat whatever you want without fearing pain while using the restroom?” Donnie asked.

“And what if we do that and I’m still messed up? What if we do that and I still have nightmares and can’t sleep at night and can’t be intimate? What if that stuff still keeps hurting me? What if that stuff hurts more than my damn tail?” his voice had raised to a near yell, he winced at himself. Cringed at his own behavior before easing back down on the pillow.

Donnie took a second to process Leo’s sudden outburst. “There are resources we can utilize,” he said in a much calmer tone.

Leo wasn’t convinced there was anything that could help him, not a single thing. He turned his face into his pillow and willed himself to calm down. To swallow another outburst that Donnie didn’t deserve.

Donnie gripped his hand through the blanket. “I have been looking into it, especially once I started suspecting you might need those… things,” Donnie said slowly, treading into unknown waters. “I am not a therapist. I can be a shoulder to cry on. I can be supportive, but I know very little about mental health. However there are programs.”

“For what?” Leo bit out, tone as cold as his skin felt. “This situation?”

“For male rape victims,” Donnie said. “We can set you up with a therapist over the phone.”

The idea of speaking to a therapist rubbed Leo wrong, he was more likely to talk to Donnie than anyone else. Not that Raph or Mikey wouldn’t be there for him, it was just that they were more emotional in their reactions.

Or maybe Donnie was pushing therapy because he didn’t want Leo to open up to him.

“We can get you anti-depressants, we can get that type of thing,” Donnie said.

For Leo that already brought up more trouble. They would need to break into pharmacies, Donnie would have to pour hours and hours of research into chemistry. “That’s, that’s a stupid risk-”

“Would you call it a stupid risk if I came to you and said Mikey needs anti-depressants?” Donnie asked. “Would you turn your chin up and say it’s too much of a risk if it was Mikey having panic attacks and flashbacks. Would you- would you just let him purge until he kills himself-”

“Donnie.” Leo gritted out.

“Why the hell aren’t you worth it?”

“Because it was my fault!” Leo stressed, his tongue was fat and his words were not as sharp as they should have been. “I got-”

_ I got raped. _

“Leo?”

“... It happened to me.” he said finally.

Donnie sighed and ran his hand over his face in irritation. “We’ve been over this, that’s a voice in your head-”

“It’s not their voices, it’s my voice,” he said, feeling his own voice raise again like a bratty child. “I was raped, what am I supposed to do with that. Where do I go from here? There is nothing to live for, I’m only alive because I haven’t died.”

His brother’s frown deepened, now alarmed.

Leo didn’t even bother trying to back peddle the implication of suicide, Mikey probably told him about the pills anyways. “For so long I worried about you guys not accepting me if you found out, and then you did accept me… but I can’t accept this. I can’t swallow this one. It hurts so much it makes me sick. It’s been two years what if I never snap out of it?”

Donnie’s mouth was slightly open, in shock, maybe in disgust or disapproval of the fact that Leo was lying down. Turning away from the fight.

“The situation did not change because two years passed.” Donnie said after collecting his thoughts.

Leo let out a sigh of defeat and turned his face into the fabric. There was a sick pit in his chest, that weight that made it hard to breathe.

“An infected wound does not get better with time. It has to be treated before it can heal and we haven’t even started. We’re just now starting to start,” his brother said searching for Leo’s hand again under the covers. “Fixing the actual physical injury is one part of a plethora of parts we don’t have to do in any order. We can hold off on the procedure, we can work on therapy, we can work on this eating disorder.”

He didn’t want to cry again, he needed Donnie to leave so he could be sick alone without dragging them down with him. Master Splinter weighed out the consequences of him staying, probably knew the resources Leo would eat up were not worth the risk to their family.

There had been so many opportunities to just kill himself.

Then everything would have stopped.

His chest heaved while Donnie calmly massaged his hand. “I have the feeling that this might be the problem. You can’t map out your own recovery. The people around you need to. It’s up to me, and Raph, and Mikey to help you,” Donnie said, voice closer than before, leaning in to talk to the pillow he was hiding his face in. “You’re sick.”

If only words could be knives.

“You’re really sick Leo,” Donnie repeated. It hurt to have it said, in the air. It hurt more to know that it was true and there was no way to refute it. Like he wasn’t teetering closer and closer to suicide despite everything.

“What happens now?” he asked.

Hearing the broken sob that was asked with Donnie grabbed for more of Leo, holding onto his upper arm with one hand and resting the other on the back of his head. “We’re going to take care of you more aggressively,” he said, his fingers stroked the back of Leo’s skull. “And unless you don’t want to, I’m going to fix your tail in two days. To help break the habit of purging you will now be watched around the clock, not just at meals, you will also only use the bathroom in the infirmary since the sink is out here. I am going to have April pick up some Melatonin and bring it down today.”

Donnie waited for Leo to nod, keeping his hand on his head. Keeping that established touch intact because they all knew how much Leo wanted to be touched. Just simple things like on the arm.

“I assume you are tired and sore. Mikey is making you breakfast, I will get you a dose of acetaminophen.” Donnie said, feeling safe enough to turn his back on Leo and retrieve the medicine.

Leo didn’t feel too extremely guilty about taking over the counter pain medication that was easily replaced. He used his arm to cover up the wet spot on his pillow as he sat up to take his pills with some water. Donnie packed fresh gauze in his cheeks and tucked him back into bed.

There were warnings that he would be watched now, Leo was fine with that.

He barely saw the point in getting out of bed.

~o~0~o~

They didn’t know how to react to Leo’s sudden unwillingness to move. Even when Donnie told him he could leave the infirmary bed and go back to his room Leo turned his head away, deeper into the pillows until it was hard to breathe.

He didn’t want to lift his head up or move.

He had to though. He had to eat breakfast, he had to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth gently to avoid the more sensitive area, and scrape the crust from his eyes. All just so he could crawl back into the same bed, Donnie pulled the curtain around giving Leo some privacy so he could drift in and out of sleep with some peace.

At least he was protected from the eyes of anyone walking in the infirmary.

Sometimes he would dream about nothing, sometimes he would blink and it would feel like maybe he slept for a few minutes. Other times Master Splinter told him he was setting a bad example for his brothers by lying in bed all day, and that he could not continue to lay down.

It tried to wash up his throat, it scraped the side of his stomach. It was sharp, it burned. He felt his hands and feet go numb, tingling like the blood was cut off.

He didn’t eat the rest of the day.

~o~0~o~

“Have Raph or Mikey told you they were going anywhere?” Donnie asked.

It was the second day, it was three in the afternoon but that was their morning. Leo opened his eyes, they burned now that the curtain was flung open.

“No,” Leo said. His throat was dry and weak.

No one had spoken to him past trying to get him to eat the day prior. Other than that Leo wasn’t responding, he was numb, counting down the hours until his procedure and sick with everything.

Donnie frowned. “They aren’t here anymore but they took some coats at least.”

“Is it snowing?” Leo asked, his voice was gravelly and catching in his throat. He sat up and reached for his water glass only to have Donnie slide a meal replacement shake into his hand. Leo would have refused but it was one of those store bought ones and it was tiny and not worth the argument.

The cap was already off, it was cold, it burned going down but it made Donnie happy.

“Yes, heavy snow for the next few days but it only started a half hour ago,” he said, sitting on the bed. “I assume they are together but they could have left a note or told me, considering... everything.”

_ Considering that I was raped. _

Leo wasn’t concerned about Raph and Mikey, they had handled themselves alone for two years and they didn’t need him trudging around in the snow looking for them. Master Splinter would have said otherwise, his father’s voice clawed at the inside of his skull. Their family wasn’t whole, his team was divided.

He should know where they were at all times.

He sighed, he didn’t want to get out of bed. There was already a headache building. He just wanted to sleep today as he had done the day prior. He would take a deep shower before his procedure since there would be a week before he could do anything more than assisted sponge baths.

While getting tangled in his thoughts Donnie placed a hand on his shoulder. He pulled at the metaphorical cords wrapping around Leo’s neck, ones put there by Master Splinter’s choices and disappointment. He was just barely hanging on before everything and now that blow still had him on the ground, coughing, sputtering, dying a little.

“Are you still up for tomorrow?” Donnie asked.

There was always a way out, it was counterproductive for Leo to be forced into getting his tail fixed. Leo wasn’t exactly jumping up and down over it, he wasn’t looking forward to anything. It was just something that was going to happen.

He didn’t want to leave doubts in Donnie’s mind though, not after all the trouble they had gone through. “Yes.”

Donnie nodded, thumbing over Leo’s shoulder through the blankets. “Do you want to talk about anything?” he asked.

He turned his head away again, he wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep so badly he almost considered going to his own room where it would be a little harder for his brothers to ask questions like that.

“I have some numbers we can try, free counseling,” Donnie suggested, he stood up to get his laptop and came back with it. “And even if we had to pay for something, we could,” he said, making room for the device on the table, moving Leo’s water and empty shake container to the side. “And there is no rule saying that I can't help you with these calls. If you want.”

Leo grimaced at the idea. “I don't want to talk to a stranger about what happened to me,” he said.

“Do you want to talk to us?” Donnie asked.

He only paused long enough to make sure Leo wasn’t going to answer.

“Consider it, okay? Talking does help. And we would listen.”

The people Leo needed to talk to were dead, he didn’t say it out loud, he looked away. Anxiety rising again, making his throat tight.

Donnie clicked away on his keyboard while talking about counseling, male rape victims, hot lines, message boards. Leo had never been good with technology, but that wasn’t the point. Donnie was rambling for himself, Leo felt guilty about it.

Numb and guilty.

“They’re at the store,” Donnie sighed drumming his finger against the edge of the laptop. “Why though? We have everything we need to bunker up for at least a month.”

They had everything, and he knew they would wait until he was better to go after the fourth person. His procedure was tomorrow, they wouldn’t pull a risk like that.

He fell asleep again, no energy to stay awake.

~o~0~o~

“He’s sleeping.”

“Well he can wake up Donnie, it’s not a big deal.”

Raph's voice accompanied the curtains around his bed being drawn open, Mikey was carrying a large bag from a retail store. They were both dressed in long winter clothes, fresh snow still clinging to the cotton weave.

“This is deceptively heavy,” Mikey grunted, dropping the bag on the bed near Leo’s feet. “No, don’t move,” he warned when Leo tried to give him more space. “Just lay still, you know how many stores we went to looking for this?”

Leo wasn’t even sure what Mikey had. He had literally just woken up and he was still tired. Sleep was an escape, it wasn’t doing much to actually make him feel better. If anything it was just making him sore from lying on one side.

He ignored the concerned glances they were hiding when he went limp on the bed again and closed his eyes, Donnie hovered at the head of the bed fixing the blankets where they had slid down.

“Thirty pounds of anti-anxiety coming up!” Mikey said seconds before a flattened sandbag was tossed over Leo.

At least it felt like that, it was heavy. It was pushing him down into the bed… it felt nice in a way.

“Weighted blanket?” Donnie asked, running the fabric between his fingers.

“April suggested we get one!” Mikey said proudly, “They’re good for anxiety and PTSD and… oh, well I guess it also functions as a blanket, but we were more focusing on the mental health aspects. What do you think Leo?”

No answer came, he only pulled the blanket up to his chin and nodded. There was a rock in his throat again and his eyes burned. He thought they were going to try to get him out of bed or force him to talk when he couldn’t.

Instead Raph and Mikey had specifically gotten him something to help with his stress.

There were no words for that.

Each of them in turn said their good nights, Leo knew it was only just then running on the lunch hour but they were going to let him sleep. Donnie closed the curtain again and dimmed the lights.

He didn’t fall asleep once they left, he took in a deep breath for the first time in two days and felt his body melt with the blanket. He exhaled in a shudder or relief.

He could breathe.

He would get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)


	7. Stage 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)

_And I can barely look at you_

_But every single time I do_

_I know we'll make it anywhere_

_Away from here_

[“Run” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFIdrH6-suE)\- Snow Patrol

* * *

**-Reconciliation-**

* * *

Dishes clinked together downstairs as he threw his coat, mittens, hat, scarf, and boots into a backpack. He had taken the opportunity to dart from the infirmary to his room just as his brothers were sitting down for dinner. It was the only time he could be certain no one would be on the upper level or between the stairs and the exit to their home.

He penned a note out and left it on his bed. His hands were steady despite the headache in the base of his skull and the sharp pangs of hunger rolling through his stomach.

This was his only opportunity.

Tomorrow he would be bed ridden and he couldn’t go through with the procedure until he went back there. Until he went back to where it started.

It wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t turn back time.

He just needed to see it one last time, and if they knew what he was planning to do they would stop him.

He needed to do it.

~o~0~o~

When the weather was this bad, so bad the air hurt to breathe, there were no roof tops. There were jackets that lick their ankles, and other mismatched clothing to hide their feet, hands, and face.

He walked down the sidewalks; they were empty anyways. Most people at this time of night weren’t out for walks and Leo wasn’t headed into a gated neighborhood by any stretch of the imagination.

He hadn’t thought about how bad the neighborhood was the night he was raped. He heard that boy scream and he thought that was all that was needed to take action.

Now he avoided this area on patrols and training runs, even though they were needed. This was where women walked with their keys threaded between their fingers.

Rape.

It was the last thing on his mind back then, now it was on his mind every day. It followed him when he slept, it followed him when he ate, it was nestled between his legs all crooked and wrong.

Now as he ground his teeth together to stop them from clattering, he was one of them. A victim. After he had spent years hyper aware of all the terrible things that could happen to him and his brothers (but mostly his brothers) rape didn’t make the list.

Rape didn’t even make it to the extreme “what ifs.”

It was his own bias. He, like a lot of men walking alone at night in bad areas, didn’t think he had a thing to worry about. He was a man. He was male. Rape was a crime that affected women. No one sees a man and pulls him into an alleyway to rape.

They did though.

They did.

He just never thought about it.

Why would he?

It took a long time to get back there. Not as long as it took to get home after it happened, but it was still long enough for his fingers to hurt and his shell to vibrate. The hotel was closed.

He guessed a quadruple homicide did that.

He guessed it wasn’t good for business, and there was such a thing as bad press.

The lobby door was boarded up. It was a bad neighborhood. He could guarantee the cops would not come if someone called about a homeless man breaking into an empty building. He still didn’t want to risk it. If the one thing that ruined his night was a very dedicated police officer on a slow shift he would never live it down.

So he entered the way he did the last time, through the roof access door.

This was how a gazelle felt walking over sleeping lions. There were memories he didn’t realize he still had. The wallpaper was sickeningly familiar, the carpet was the same. The light fixtures in the hall were off but they were there. Frosted glass and tarnished gold trim.

None of the doors were closed, the metal card reader handles were removed. Maybe they were the only thing worth salvaging. No one came back for the carpeting that was for sure. It was cold, but the place had been boarded up for years, it held away the wind and that was enough.

The air was stale and thick, undisturbed, abandoned like it should be.

He didn’t belong there.

Donnie and Mikey liked urban exploration. Condemned buildings, abandoned neighborhoods. Maybe it was the wonder of it. When did they ever get to walk around a hotel or explore Kmart?

Never.

When would they ever find themselves the victim to someone else’s sexual desires.

It was supposed to be never.

The room was gutted, not only was the furniture gone, but parts of the floor were too. That was the shock. Rectangular sections of carpet were torn up and gone. Even the wood under the carpeting was gone, it was surreal. He knew Donnie had said something about this type of thing. Whenever murders were covered up in movies how the screen would pan to two people scrubbing blood out of the carpet.

It didn’t work like that.

Bodies were bags of fluid and they would seep through the carpet and into the flooring underneath. The longer the bodies were left, the deeper the fluids leaking from their corpse would go. Everything contaminated had to be shaved away.

He knelt down in one of the carved out squares, running his mitten covered fingers over the wood. Everything that had happened that night was gone. The bed frame he had been tied to, the tables and dresser. The lamp and its hauntingly yellow light.

There was evidence of those things, places where the wallpaper looked brand new. Where the furniture had protected it from cigarette smoke and stains. Just like the floor there are places where the wallpaper was cut away. In neat little rectangles.

Where the blood splattered on the wall.

Frowning he noted that the area he had left a very bloody hand print wasn’t cut away. The stain was gone but the wallpaper was intact. Same for the door frame leading into the bathroom.

He guessed a three fingered hand print would have messed up the idea of gang violence. It was never clear what the general verdict was on The Sabors. Leo had gone above and beyond trying to stay away from that news. Now it was a two year old cold case.

He wished his brothers would stop obsessing over this place, he wished that Donnie hadn’t poured hours of his own psyche into watching the video and going over crime scene photos… all just for Leo to lay in bed wallowing in it.

He took a deep inhale, the dust tickled his throat but he ignored it. “This place has no power over me,” he said with a slow exhale.

“Well, now I feel like an asshole.”

In a flash Leo was up on the other side of the room, both swords drawn from where they were sheathed at his hips under his coat.

Raph took off his helmet. “Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” he said with a genuine grimace.

Leo’s heart settled down, but his hands shook. This was the worst place for someone to get the drop on him. To think he had been so careless to not realize he had his shell towards the door.

“What are you doing here Raph it’s freezing out!” Leo hissed to cover up his fear, sword tips towards the floor. He was tired of putting his family on the other end of them.

Raph raised an eye ridge, “Says the guy who walked here to the guy who rode here wearing a leather bodysuit, you think The Night Watcher took snow days?”

Leo deepened his glare but no retort immediately surfaced. “Go home Raph, I’ll be back later.”

“You can’t do this to us, you can’t just disappear on us.” Raph stepped further into the room, his face contorted.

“I left a note.” He wasn’t in the mood to argue with his brothers over some time to think and this was why. “I said not to worry.”

Raph’s face didn’t break. “An ominous note saying you were taken care of ‘something’ and not to worry,” he clarified, pointing at the floor with every word. “We thought you were going to jump off a fucking building!”

“I’m not suicidal!” Leo shot back, but his voice caught on the last word.

_ Not actively at least. _

“The things you’ve been saying to Donnie paint a different picture.”

There was no argument to be made. His behavior over the past few days had spelled out his mental well being. They knew he was hiding how much it hurt finding those unread and unsent letters. As much as he hated to admit it they knew him well enough to know when he was packing their ears with bullshit.

And maybe the note was vague in case he couldn’t come back.

Maybe he tied a rope to his home and waded out into the water with half the thought to cut himself free.

“So don’t play fucking games and say we ain’t right to worry,” Raph said.

He nodded, looking away, looking down at the floor or what was left of it before Raph closed the space between them in a few steps and hugged him. It was more like a shell cracking squeeze.

“Fuck,” Raph muttered into the side of his head. “You realize what our first thoughts are when you do this right?”

His throat closed, he couldn’t exactly hold Raph back with his swords still in his hands. “I… I didn’t think you guys would jump to that conclusion. I’m sorry Raph.”

Raph pulled away but kept hold of his shoulder, “I’m not too good with the touchy feely shit but, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Leo said without hesitation.

“Then can we go home?”

He shook his head and stepped away from Raph. “No, I have to do something… I have to, the answer is here, in this room,” he said looking around now that Raph was here trying to pull him back.

“The answer to what?” Raph asked, confused.

“Why I’m not over it, why I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s in this room.”

The room was empty, more than empty. Leo’s chest sunk in as Raph looked around. Of course he didn’t see anything here. He didn’t see what could be in this room, but for Leo there had to be something.

“There ain’t nothing in this room,” Raph said after his exaggerated look around. “There’s barely a floor.”

“It’s not material,” Leo bit out. His heart heavy and his chest tight. This was embarrassing, this was personal. This place was like a secret journal or a diary. His brother shouldn’t be in this room ever. There was a time before where the idea of this moment would have shattered him. “You know what the five stages of grief are?” Leo asked, tightening his grip on his swords.

“Yeah.”

“That last stage, acceptance, it has to be here right?”

There was a long pause, one where Leo kept struggling to take a breath. This was it, this was where it happened and therefore this was the moment he would accept it and be free.

Right?

“I don’t think it works like that,” Raph said.

“But it hurts,” Leo stressed, turning to face Raph. “It hurts all the time, it can’t keep hurting forever,” he pinched his eyes shut before he could cry.

He regretted every word and at the same time he wanted to tell Raph the whole thing from start to finish. He looked down at his swords and the rectangular sections of cutaway floor, like shallow empty graves. Is that all this place is now?

“It can, it might. I dunno, Leo.” Raph said and his words were soaking in reality. Raph wasn’t one for encouraging pep talks or rousing speeches. He was unfiltered reality. “But you don’t belong here, not now, not then. You belong home with us.”

“And what if I go home and Donnie fixes my tail and… I still can’t accept it? What if I’m still…”

“What? Still what?”

“Broken.”

His chest hurt so bad, it felt like there was something wrong with his heart. His hands felt numb and tingly.

“Then we’ll glue you back together,” Raph said firmly. “And if you break down again, we’ll do it again. Over and over. We ain’t close to accepting it either you know? Which stage is anger? I’m still there, I’m still mad. Not at you Leo, but at Master Splinter, at The Sabors. Fuck ‘em.”

He sheathed his swords at his hip and silently begged for his hands to stop quaking. He felt like a moron. He felt like an absolute idiot. He could be at home, under a weighted blanket, but instead he was in this room crying to Raph about his issues. No wonder Master Splinter sent him away.

“And I’m mad at myself,” Raph sighed out.

“Why?” Leo asked, his voice tight and high.

His throat hurt so bad and he had no idea if it was from the obsessive puking or the anxiety or both.

Raph edged forward, this moment wasn’t like ones before where Leo had curled up in Raph’s lap and held on for dear life. “Because we were having sex while you were getting…”

_ Raped. _

Leo nodded, “I know,” he choked out, unable to hold it back anymore. “I’m not mad. It was my choice to come in here that night.”

“Stop blaming yourself for this, or for dad sending you away, or anything!” Raph snapped before throwing his fist through the wall. “Fuck!”

“I want to be alone,” Leo said, barely stifling a sob.

Raph brushed the drywall off his fist. “I don’t want to leave you alone in this place!” he roared.

“Raph, just, wait for me-”

“You can’t do this!”

His face went cold, “Do not tell me what I can and cannot do in this room!” Leo snapped. “I can do whatever I want here and you have no say!”

His hands were shaking again, no one told him what he could or could not do in this room.

“If you can do whatever ya fuckin’ want then why the fuck are you here?” Raph asked. “Is this where you want to be? Is it? Because I don’t think you actually want to be here I think you just don’t want to face what’s at home!”

“And what is at home?” Leo snapped. “Master Splinter was right to send me away I’m going to bring down the whole team-”

“You sure will if you don’t at least give us a fucking chance to help you!”

_ I’m beyond help. _

“If you can’t leave right now for yourself, then fucking do it for Donnie!” Raph yelled exasperated.

Leo frowned, what reason was that. “Why?”

“Because he loves you, and this is killing him.” Raph’s face fell as the words left his mouth but Leo ignored it.

“He has you and Mikey,” he dismissed.

They were fine for two years, they would be fine without him. If he couldn’t get better on his own it was better to leave.

Raph shook his head. “No he doesn’t, you’re to Donnie what... Mikey is to me.”

Leo felt the catch in Raph’s throat like it was his own but he still didn’t understand. He was still the new one, new to everything. “You have to fill in the gaps here Raph, I don’t know what that means.”

“We all love each other right? We’ve all done things with each other that go beyond brothers…” Raph explained pacing in front of the window. The snow fell heavy outside. “And I love you and Donnie…”

“But you love Mikey more?” Leo asked.

Raph grimaced. “Not more,” he stressed. “But it’s a different kind of love. And Mikey, he feels the same way about me. We click more than just when were down to fuck. You and Donnie click that way too. You always have. The level headed ones. You can’t leave in any sense of the word Leo, you can’t off yourself, you can’t go back to Central America. You just can’t.”

“Because it gets better?” Leo asked feeling like they were running in circles. His whole life was a circle. “Is that your next line? Because I’ve heard it and I’m sick of it.”

“It never gets better man, it just gets easier to keep moving.”

_ As if you would know _, Leo thought sourly.

“Look, I’m not an expert in grief, but when you left without a goodbye we went through all of them except acceptance. It don’t work like that. You can’t just stand in your brothers room and say you’re okay with him being gone and then expect to be okay. Not how it works, trust me, I know.”

That example was too specific and it hurt to hear that they might have done that. Tried to say goodbye and failed.

“You got ten minutes to meet me on the roof,” Raph said, walking by Leo while he struggled to form words.

He struggled to say sorry that he didn’t just scream for his brothers when Master Splinter told him he was leaving. He had taken so many wrong turns, he had screwed everything up so many times and they were still there for him.

“If you aren’t there I’m tying you up and dragging you home myself,” Raph warned pausing at the door. “And I’ll fucking win because I’ve had dinner.”

He listened to Raph climb the steps, frozen to the carpeting like every little fiber had suction cups flush with his skin. There was nothing in this room for him, and coming back to the place where he was raped wasn’t healing.

Sighing at his own stupidity he eyed the bathroom. The door was closed but Leo knew it wouldn’t be locked.

The tile was clean, the bath tub was gone. The only evidence there had even been a tub was the pipes leading to nowhere and the exposed window into the wall. The room felt larger and different. There had once been so much blood in this room alone, where they had hacked up the boy he couldn’t save.

He wondered how the boy died, he wondered if The Sabors skewered their last victim with his very own katanas.

He turned away, it was better not to know. The door creaked open as he was trying to fight down the urge to vomit, the sensation of his own katana against his slit fluttered into his mind.

“I thought I had ten-”

“Drop the swords,” a stranger’s voice said, higher than Raph’s and accompanied by a clicking noise.

Leo looked up into the eyes of a human man. He was wearing a dark navy jacket and had a ski mask on, and perhaps more importantly had two guns aimed right at Leo.

“I know you can fucking understand me, so give me the swords, Leo.”

Hearing his name made him tense, quickly his emotional mind realized this was not some unfortunate robber. This person had been listening in.

The man tilted his gun sideways as if to be more threatening. “That’s your name isn’t it?” he asked. “Drop the swords, now!”

“And if I don’t?” Leo asked calmly. He had been on the receiving end of much larger guns in the hands of much more capable foes. “What if I just kill you?” he asked, something dangerous rolling in his stomach.

This man didn’t know what he was capable of.

“Like you did to my boys?” the man sneered. “Was it you? Or was it the other one?”

Leo calmly glanced at the guns. Both were small but there was only fifteen feet between them and Leo was in a small narrow room. “If you shoot me my friend will hear-”

It wasn’t a bullet, it was a dart and it stung him in the lower leg. Even though Leo was quick to pull it out there was no use, whatever was in the dart was in his bloodstream and time wasn’t going to do him any favors.

“Make a noise and your friend gets the one that fires bullets,” he warned.

Already the room was getting woozy, “Raph!” Leo shouted as he lunged forward, another shot was fired, this one into his neck. It burned, already a burning pain was coursing through his lower leg making it hard to move.

“Dammit!” the man cursed, pushing Leo off.

Leo’s hands were incapable of making a fist. His arms were going numb.

“Leo!” Raph shouted, his helmet was on but-

The shot made Leo’s ears rings, Raph fell over clutching his chest. That was death, there was no way any of them could survive a gunshot wound through the chest.

Another pop went off and a dart was stuck in Raph’s thigh. “Fuck! That was my last dart!” the man hissed.

He couldn’t move, he was lying in one of the shallow graves and could only see Raph with one eye. His limbs refused to move. “Raphael!” he begged.

_ Don’t die, don’t die- _

The man turned toward Leo’s direction, Raph coughing behind him still clutching his chest.

Leo’s movement’s were too slow to grab the man’s foot before he was kicked in the head.

“Shut up!” he roared, foot pulling back and striking Leo again this time in the throat causing him to gag and grab his neck, trying to protect it from another blow.

Another kick landed in the center of Leo’s forehead, snapping his head back and nearly knocking him out.

His ears were roaring when he heard a body trip to the floor. “Get the fuck away from him!” Raph snarled.

It took a great amount of effort to move his body to see what was going on. He was being sucked into the floor as Raph straddled the man, hands around his throat.

Leo tasted blood, it was leaking out his nostrils as he watched the man kick and spasm under Raph’s weight. For a second he saw himself, bucking under Mondo, legs spread-

His chest was caving in, he couldn’t breathe. He could only hear the man choking as it morphed with the memories of his own struggle. The room filled with yellow light, their breath was in his face he couldn’t move his limbs.

Blinking back the past he saw Raph’s arms shake and his body waiver on the man.

Was he shot, was Raph bleeding out? Through blurry and worsening vision he didn’t see any blood. He couldn’t breathe, he heard himself breathing and he felt himself slowly passing out. “D-d… dart” he garbled out, his drugged mind thought that was the answer, staring at the dart still stuck in Raph’s thigh.

_ Pull the dart from your thigh. _

The air was going thin and stale.

Raph slumped forward with a groan, falling sideways off the man. Leo slipped into darkness seconds later.

~o~0~o~

Leo stood on a rooftop, under an overhang. The sheltered area just outside a roof access door. The nearby buildings were behind a foggy screen, distorted. Their details lost and smudged. 

His throat sore and his body was trembling as he pressed himself closer to the building. The wind would spray rain over him. So cold that it prickled his skin.

He held his arms over his chest and shuddered.

He was sprayed again. It hurt again.

He needed to get home, the longer he stayed out in the rain the sicker he would become. How stupid he was to go out this far when he wasn’t feeling well.

“Fuck, there you are!” Raph yelled, joining him under the overhang to shield himself from the rain too. “He’s up here!” Raph yelled across the roof.

Leo edged closer to Raph, teeth vibrating.

Two sets of footsteps could be heard running towards them, kicking up wet gravel and smacking puddles. Raph pulled Leo to his chest, a thousand times warmer than the freezing wind.

“He’s really sick,” Donnie said, half his body outside the overhang but he wasn’t shivering like Leo was. “We need to get him home and warmed up.”

Leo always liked this dream the best. If he could have it every night he would. Then he would wake up from his dream in the arms of one of his brothers. Safe and warm.

Raph set out their path to the nearest manhole cover while Mikey and Donnie walked Leo from the overhang, down the moaning metal fire escape, and to the sewers. They shielded him from the rain and the cold and said soothing things about getting him home.

The journey back wasn’t horrible and long. His tail wasn’t mutilated. The hotel room never happened.

Leo loved this dream.

~o~0~o~

Immediately Leo struggled, writhing and trying to twist out of his restraints.

The second he woke up constricted with chains he spasmed and tried to free himself. His mind flashing to the hotel bed, the ropes the men. He wasn’t gagged but he couldn’t hear anything over the roar of the ocean and the motor on the boat.

Everytime the boat skipped over the water’s surface Leo was slammed against the deck, chains pinched beneath him.

There was no way to break the chains, he could worm around and maybe even get off the boat but then the weight would sink and drown him. Suck him down forever.

The pieces fell back slowly and each one hurt. He didn’t know what hurt more. He twisted around looking for Raph, he didn’t know what scared him the worst; the fact that Raph wasn’t there with him or what it meant that Raph wasn’t there with him.

Was Raph dead?

The man, whoever he was, must have escaped strangulation and Leo could only hope that the man didn’t hold resentments and kill Raph while he was out cold. If Raph had enough strength to put up a fight after getting shot in the chest he must have been wearing protection.

Right?

He gave way to a fit of useless struggling. The chains scraped the bottom on the metal motorboat echoing around and thundering in his throbbing head. The chains around his legs were too tight, they pinched off the circulation. There was no way to jimmy his legs free. He still tried, fuck, he tried feeling the rusty sharp edges cut his skin.

More struggling and finally he saw the lip of a tarp by his feet flip up revealing cinder blocks. His heart hammered harder knowing now the man fully planned on dumping his body in the ocean.

Again the boat skipped on the surface of the water. Leo went inches up into the air before landing back on the floor of the boat with a groan. They were going too fast for how choppy the water was. The small speedboat was not meant to travel out into the ocean under these conditions. This was a suicide mission.

The engine turned off and the boat came to a slow halt, rising and falling in the waves. A light came on illuminating the deck. It was so bright and powerful it burned Leo’s eyes shut even as the man walked forward in clear view.

“I knew you’d come back,” the man said, his voice strained from Raph’s earlier attack. Now that he wasn’t wearing a ski mask, Leo could make out some of his features. He was slightly heavy set in the face, moon faced. His hair was light brown and his eyes were small.

Leo had seen his face before, minus the necklace of purple bruises.

In an interview years ago with the manager who found the murder scene.

“I knew you’d come back to kill me,” he repeated while sitting down on the benched side of the boat across from Leo. “I told myself I would be ready but I didn’t know there were two of you.”

Even though it was key to control the outward signs of fear and uncertainty when facing an enemy; Leo could not control his breathing. He was hyperventilating too hard to ask about Raph, to ask if his brother was dead. His brother slumped over on to the hotel floor over and over again in his mind. His heart was dropping and constricting. Raph was dead, if he wasn’t on the boat then he was dead. This man killed his brother and was going to kill him as well.

Panicking he pulled against the chains, the man said nothing while he squirmed.

This time there was no escape. This was metal, and cold, and death.

The man stood up again causing Leo to shut his eyes. The fact that he was taken to a secondary location meant there was a reason he was still alive. 

_ A reason that could possibly be exploited and worked towards an escape, _his rational mind begged him to understand.

“They were so fucking stupid!” the man seethed. “Why the fuck would they do that?”

“The Sabors?” Leo asked, faking a calm and fighting fatigue to hold his congested voice steady. Blood was caked on his face and up his nose. “What did they do?”

“They got fucking cocky is what they got and now I have to clean up their mess,” he said pointing at Leo, the waves lifted them up but the man had sealegs and seemed unbothered by the uneven ground. “I knew you’d come back, I knew it, I was waiting. You know how many nights I’ve just sat in my bed waiting for you?”

“Do you know how many nights I relived it?” Leo asked, forgetting that he was supposed to be placating his captor and instead angry that he was suggesting he was the monster. “I didn’t come back there to kill you, I didn’t even know who you were. I came back there to see if I could find peace.”

The man turned around, keeping his balance despite the waves rocking the boat. “You slaughtered them-”

“They raped me.”

Suddenly the man was over him, kicking him over onto his back and stepping on his chest. Leo’s arms were pinned and pinched underneath himself in a way that made him cry out. Both wrists were definitely sprained now.

“GODDAMMIT!” he yelled pointing the real gun at Leo’s head, his hand shaking so hard he would probably miss despite there being maybe two feet between them.

Leo didn’t even look at the gun, he tried to relieve some of the pressure on his arms but it was useless. “Who are you?” he asked.

“Does it matter?” the man asked, there was a shake in his voice. “I have to kill you now.”

It still wasn’t the voice of a killer. “Then why haven’t you?” Leo asked.

Calmness was key. There was nothing more disconcerting than someone who was calm in the face of danger. These tactics did not work on The Sabors, they had a sexual fascination with him that put Leo at a disadvantage.

This man was stalling, and all Leo needed was time. The more time he could buy the better chance he had at living.

“Be quiet! I’m thinking!” he yelled, the gun shaking wildly. Snow catching in the light behind him, no shoreline in sight as though they were on some other plane of existence. All alone in the world. The man’s eyes flicked from the gun to Leo’s eyes and back.

Leo stared impassively back at the man's eyes, his chest still rose and fell steadily, something that was out of his control, but his intense stare was throwing the situation off. “You can’t kill me, you’re not a killer.” Leo stated it clearly, feeling the boat rise and fall with his rapid breath like the ocean was breathing for him. In and out, up and down.

The man stepped on his chest harder, unaware that it only hurt Leo’s wrist and didn’t actually impact his ability to breathe. “I said be quiet!” he yelled.

“You killed my brother.”

“I didn’t mean to- I- He startled me, he had a pulse when I left,” his voice broke off, caught in his throat. It was too authentic to be fake, the quiver, the actual regret and fear. “I was never supposed to get my hands dirty dammit! I was just the distributor!”

_ He had a pulse when I left. _

The words flooded him with hope, there was a chance that his brother’s were safe. If he died now, he would die knowing Raph likely got back to Donnie and Mikey.

They would be okay.

“What’s your name,” Leo pivoted. “If you tell me your name you’ll have to kill me because now you’ve killed or maimed my brother and if I survive this I won’t stop looking for you.”

The man adjusted his gun again, aiming for Leo’s head but he still didn’t pull the trigger. “Eric Webb.”

The name rings an immediate bell. “The manager. I remember now, I saw you on TV.” He said calmly. “You were the one who found the scene. Did you tamper with the scene-”

“I had to! The scene already looked altered with!” Eric yelled, taking his foot off of Leo’s chest and pacing in a frantic circle. Again his sea legs made him look like he was walking on steady ground. “What cop would believe a monster murdered four people? Hell I knew what that was, a fucking death sentence. I couldn’t get rid of four bodies but I could get rid of you!”

Leo rolled to his side and flexed his wrists. They were tied together with zip-ties and there was maybe a chance that he could snap them if enough feeling returned to his arms

“That was smart,” Leo praised. “I think I would have made the same call.”

“You can’t appeal to me,” Eric said while still pacing. “You’re not human, I’m going to kill you and be done with this. All of this!”

“How did they mess up?” Leo asked, carefully try to figure out how many zip ties were around his wrists. They were cutting into his skin.

Eric started kicking the side of the boat in an outburst. “They should have killed you!” he screamed. “They saw money instead, they got greedy. They ruined everything! Fuck! You know how long it takes to build an operation like that? They fucked it all up. I had that whole building dedicated to this. Years of work. Money laundering built in. We were going to be set for life by this time right now had they just shot you and moved on!”

There were too many zip ties to break by himself. Eric’s outburst carried on as he kicked the side of the boat. The metal ringing in Leo’s ears painfully.

It still said something that Leo was not on the receiving end of those blows. Time had done Leo favors and worn down on Eric because now they were at the end of the line and no one was dead.

“It was unfortunate that I happened to be on the roof that night,” Leo said. “No one would have heard the screaming from the street and I assume that the whole hotel was empty? The books were filled with fake clients and paid for using money made off selling rape porn?”

It all made sense now and if Donnie and Raph were as invested as Leo thought they were then they probably already knew who Eric was.

The chances of any of his brothers finding him now were nonexistent and while Eric was stalling Leo knew cowards unintentionally end up killing in more painful ways. Eric was the type of man to hit a deer and spend hours trying to find the proper aim with his gun instead of ending the animals suffering quickly. Cowards blew the ears off of their victims with shaky hands.

Leo was no fool, not this time. There was a very convenient way for Eric to kill him without shooting him. Leo just hoped drowning wouldn’t take longer with him being a turtle.

“This is why you have to die!” Eric yelled while not subtly nursing his foot.

Leo felt the cold starting to get to him, making him tired now that the adrenaline surge was over. “Because I will go to the police?” he asked dryly, letting his head rest on the cold floor of the boat.

“You’ll kill me.”

If he survived and Raph did die, he would. “You can still get away,” Leo said, blinking slowly. “You have money for a boat and guns, you must have enough to leave the country. I wouldn’t be able to find you. I would still try but how many people are named Eric Webb? A thousand? Ten thousand?”

_ Donnie would find you though no matter what. _

Eric took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

_ For the rape? For having to murder him? _ Leo laughed, “How does someone like you end up in a position like this?”

“What do you mean someone like me?”

“I mean you’re a coward,” Leo said. “I thought the person who distributed such vile things would be as heartless as The Sabors themselves. You cringed when I said the word rape, you seem to be genuinely sad about possibly killing my brother. You can’t shoot me. How does such a weak person end up the head of such a hard operation?”

Eric snarled, “I don’t have to shoot you.” He walked over to Leo while holstering his gun in the back of his belt.

Leo's heart hammered madly as he realized what Eric was doing. He was going to throw Leo overboard and let him drown.

“N-no!” Leo stammered bucking his legs like a fish on the ground. Again, just as fear had overtook him in the hotel room, he cried out.

Using the slack of the chain between Leo’s now numb feet at the cinder blocks he yanked them toward the back of the boat. Leo arched his back up making it harder for him to be pulled.

Eric groaned out in frustration as his load became heavier. “You fucker,” he roared, stepping around Leo and getting something from the driver’s seat. “You ruined everything!”

He had a tire iron in his hand, and every time he waved it in Leo's direction he flinched expecting a blow to the head.

“We had a name for ourselves, we weren’t just amateurs we had put money into what we had done. And you killed- woah- ah-”

A large wave lifted the boat up and turned it, Leo watched as Eric helicoptered his arms in attempts to right himself. The tire iron flew out of his hand and landed in the water on Leo’s side of the boat. The noise was lost in the turbulence of the waves seconds before Eric stumbled backwards, his calves hitting the side of the boat.

For a second it looked like he caught himself there, sitting on the edge of the boat. Leo saw it, the relief in his eyes just before he lost it and fell into the water.

A long time passed where Leo just stared, waiting for Eric to crawl back on the boat. The longer he stared at that spot, the more certain he was that Eric would come back. He focused for the sound of Eric breaching the water and splashing around but heard nothing.

He listened for hands to hit the side of the boat.

But he heard nothing.

The light flickered and Leo looked around, expecting Eric to be there but it was just the battery dying.

He shivered against the cold, frozen now because he was there again. He was in a position where he should have been dead but he was somehow still alive.

Or maybe what had happened was worse than anything Eric would have done. Now he was stranded in the ocean restrained too well to escape. He cried out and kicked again but nothing happened. The chains didn’t break and he didn’t have the strength to break the zip ties.

Breathing hard from his struggle he went slack. The boat rose and fell over and over again. The light flickered until it turned off plunging Leo into total darkness.

His eyelids fell closed shortly after that.

~o~0~o~

His fever was really bad. He leaned against the roof access door as more cold salty ocean water misted over him. Gravity was all wrong too, his feet were numb and he was floating above the ground, like the door was a magnet and he was metal.

Thunder rumbled overhead and he groaned out, he tried to shift his legs.

Despite being under the overhang the rain still fell over him. His skin was so cold it hurt, his legs ached. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Fuck!” Raph yelled, pushing Leo up against the door. “I'm here Leo, I'm here. I have you, I'm going t-to cut these off-” Raph stuttered over the roaring noise of the storm. He cut away the force pinning Leo’s arms behind him. “There. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Raph was shaking hard, trying to turn Leo towards him.

“I have you,” Raph shuddered, pulling Leo into a strong warm hug. “I have you, I have you, I have you-”

Leo struggled to move his arms, no energy, he was still glued to the door. “Raph.”

His brother shushed him, he placed his mouth to Leo’s ear and quieted him, holding him tighter and tighter. “Shhhhh, shhhh,” he soothed, pushing Leo’s face into his neck. “Did that motherfucker touch you? Leo did he touch you? I'll rip his nuts off if he fucking touched you-”

“Raph-” Leo choked out with barely any voice. His eyes were burning. This was a dream, his brother came for him. They were going home.

Raph rocked Leo gently, but if Leo was being honest the whole world seemed to be rocking harder. The rooftop slanted and tilted.

Another series of shushings came from Raph, followed by petting with shaking hands. “We don't have to talk about it right now. I'm here,” he said breathing hard and labored. “And you're alive. Fuck, you're alive, you're alive. What the fuck Leo, what the fuck were you thinking, no, no, no, I don't blame you. This wasn't your fault,” Raph shuddered. “I'm sorry. Shhhhh. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Leo couldn’t pull away, he only barely got his mouth free of Raph’s neck. They needed to get home. “Raph,” Leo said weakly. “Can’t, walk.”

Raph stilled and took a deep breath as more rain misted over them.

“Right, right,” Raph said with a shake to his voice. He laid Leo down back against the door. “Just deep breaths. You’re okay. You’re okay.” Raph repeated this while gently lowering Leo’s head down.

His brother crouched down to deal with the chains. The loss of warmth caused Leo to shiver starting somewhere in the center of his chest as Raph worked. Every once in a while something big would hit the metal overhang, startling Leo.

“I'm here. I'm here,” Raph repeated down by his feet.

Leo’s eyes fell closed but he quickly opened them not wanting to lose this dream. So often he had nightmares, so rare were the ones where his brothers saved him from that night.

At his feet Raph cursed, the rooftop was slanting violently now, more rain sprayed them. “I can't pick the locks I can't-”

“You came,” Leo said, delirious.

He saw now that the hotel was in the middle of the ocean, floating on angry waves.

“Of course I did, Leo.” Raph gripped Leo’s numb knee. “I always will.”

Up and down on the waves they went. “I want to go home, please Raph.”

Tears blurred his vision, he just wanted to be back in bed. He wanted to see Donnie and Mikey again. He wanted his family. They would take care of him. In his dreams they always take care of him.

“Okay. Okay. I have it under control okay just give me a second.” Raph’s voice was a forced calm.

Raph left, Leo could no longer feel Raph. His dream was becoming a nightmare. His brother had abandoned him.

Leo turned his head back and forth against the door, chest heaving to get more air. Why would Raph leave him here? Leo would be forced to go through the door now or wake up. He couldn’t wake up. He tried thrashing. This was a nightmare, it wasn’t real.

“Shhhh, shhhh,” Raph soothed. “I'm right here. This will suck but hold on to the cinder blocks.”

Suddenly three miniature metal bed frames were placed on his lap. A chain looped through all of them and around his legs. Leo held them in place, but just like him they were pulled to the door keeping him pinned there.

“You came,” Leo whispered.

Raph picked up Leo bridal style and pulled him off the door. “Okay, hold on,” Raph grunted while trying to keep his balance. “We're going to my boat now. It's okay.”

Holding Leo close to his chest, Raph jumped from the edge of the roof to a boat. The lights were now closer and Leo could see Raph clearer. He was wearing his Night Watcher armor.

“You came,” Leo mumbled as Raph set him down in the boat.

“I did, I did,” Raph said, lifting the miniature metal beds off of Leo and putting them to the side. “I always will, you're okay.”

His brother untied the boat from the building. Leo blinked slowly, watching him work through a piece of warped glass. It was getting harder to stay awake.

Or asleep.

In a blur of motion Raph put a tarp over him. “Here, it’s all I have to break the wind.” Raph’s arms were still shaking hard. “Fuck you're so cold.”

Leo lazily agreed with the sentiment as the light was snuffed out. He didn’t feel any warmer but he did feel less exposed. It was hard to breathe deeply, it was hard to string together a coherent thought other than the want to be back under that weighted blanket.

“Fuck,” Raph cursed as the motor chugged over the noise of the ocean. “Just hold on, Leo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)


	8. Stage 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)

_Can't give up actin' tough_

_It's all that I'm made of_

_Can't scrape together quite enough_

_To ride the bus to the outskirts_

_Of the fact that I need love_

[“Middle Cyclone” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtiGtNR7Eb8)\- Neko Case

* * *

**-Acceptance-**

* * *

“It’s okay.”

The first voice Leo really processed in the haze of everything was Donnie’s.

“You’re okay, but this will sting. Okay?” Donnie asked.

And because Donnie asked, Leo followed his brother’s voice and nodded. His skin was on fire anyways, the air was too hot. He barely felt two sets of hands lift him but he really felt the boiling water they placed him in.

Leo couldn’t suppress the groan or the feeble efforts to thrash out of the tub. Someone held his shoulders to keep him down.

“Burns!” Leo gasped out.

The pain woke him up, gave him momentary energy to open his eyes.

Donnie was in front of him with a plastic cup, Leo knew what was coming next and he didn’t want it.

“The water is cool.” Donnie filled the cup as he spoke and poured the water around Leo’s neck. The hands gripping his shoulders held him firmly in place. “About sixty-five degrees actually.”

Leo still tried to escape, white knuckling the edge of the tub. Searing hot needles were piercing into his skin and everything in his body wanted to get out of the tub.

The hands behind him struggled, but not because Leo was overpowering them. “Donnie… I don’t like this,” Mikey said wearily.

Another cup went up around his neck. “In a minute or two he will calm down,” Donnie said quietly. “Then we’ll get his hands in and let him soak before slowly raising the temperature of the water.”

Leo tried to breathe through it, but everytime Donnie poured a cup of water down his back he groaned out at the sensation of a million fire ant stings. Every time Donnie applied boiling water to his skin he also touched Leo’s hand with his own searing hot ones.

It felt like another eternity before he stopped trying to raise himself out of the tub and let himself drop further into the tub. The water went from painful to just uncomfortable. Mikey pressed his face into the top of Leo’s head and kept pushing him down until the water was up to the underside of his jaw.

Donnie started focusing on his hands then and Mikey just held the side of his head so he wouldn’t dip too far into the water.

He blinked away tears and forced himself to inhale deeply at the same time he dropped his hands under water. A little diluted red moisture was left behind where his arms had been and they practically screamed Raph’s name.

A new different type of pain hit him. What had happened to Raph? The last time he was Raph he had been shot in the chest-

Donnie was holding him steady, so was Mikey. “Leo,” Donnie said firmly while rubbing his knuckles into the center of Leo’s chest. “Breathe-”

“Raph-” his voice was practically gone.

“Is on the couch sleeping. The bullet didn’t penetrate past his plastron. He wasn’t exposed to the same harsh cold you were. The sooner we get you warmed up and bandaged the sooner you can see him.”

Mikey hummed in agreement and Donnie pushed Leo back down into the tub.

Carefully, Leo allowed himself to ease back down, his tail pinched beneath him painfully and he moved his hand to adjust the angle even though his brothers were right there.

Donnie shuddered when Leo moved it, looking away for a second. Behind Leo, Mikey made a whimpering noise. That adjustment seemed to ripple through all of them and cause Leo to look down at the water in shame.

When Donnie recovered from the sight he unplugged the tub and let three inches of pinkish brown water out before adding hot water.

“Mikey, why don’t you go make sure Raph is okay.”

“Want me to bring tea for Leo when I get back?” Mikey asked, already heading for the door. Desperate to get out of the bathroom now.

Donnie nodded while mixing the hot water into the cooler water.

When he shut the faucet off again he paused for a moment with his hand still in the water. He stared at the wall while he spoke. “Mikey is gone, Raph is on the couch. You need to tell me everything Eric Webb did to you.”

Leo looked away further, taking his hand away from his tail and wiping his sore face.

“I won’t push anything on you such as an exam but-”

“I wasn’t raped.” He left off the word, “again.”

Donnie’s shoulders relaxed, his face did not. “I still need to know Leo.” His voice was that of a doctor or a parent. “I don’t need to know how I just need to know where you were hit so I know where to look for injuries. We’ll deal with everything else later.”

Leo nodded once, rubbing his arm under the water. At least this time he could play the self comforting behavior off as trying to get warm. It was clear he had messed up by leaving. Raph wouldn’t be hurt, he wouldn’t need _ more _ medical attention.

He just wanted some peace.

He thought it would be in that hotel room.

“I really screwed things up-”

“Injuries first,” Donnie said, not making eye contact. He stared at the wall exhausted and annoyed, his fingertips halfway into the water.

Ashamed of his own behavior and overwhelmed by his own selfishness as of late he told Donnie about every injury he received in the order that it happened. From his initial fight in the hotel room to what happened on the boat without any of the details Donnie didn’t need… like almost getting his head caved in with a tire-iron.

Or what exactly happened to Eric Webb. He fell off the boat… he was dead. Leo had no doubt that he died. Eric wasn’t an enhanced human… Leo was still unsure if he imagined it. By the time Raph had found him out there he was so cold he was half insane.

“Out of the tub,” Donnie prompted.

Leo was going to protest that he didn’t need help standing but his legs were weak. Donnie supported him as he stepped out of the tub, his legs throbbing as all the blood in his half thawed body went to his feet.

Lightheadedness pushed aside as he sat down on the toilet lid and leaned back against the tank. Donnie helped Leo dry off, gently blotting his skin. Most of the cuts were clotting on their own but outside of the water the pain was more noticeable and Leo couldn’t help but hiss as pressure was applied to bruises yet to fully form.

The door opened, Mikey set Leo’s tea on the counter. “Anything I can do? Raph is completely knocked out.”

Donnie avoided Mikey’s eyes as he crouched down on the floor of the bathroom in front of Leo. “Good, good,” he murmured. “You can encourage Leo to drink his tea but his body temperature is up high enough that we can move to passive rewarming like we did with Raph.”

The tub was draining still, Leo could hear the water gurgling through the pipes. “How did you get me out of the tub?”

“You let me guide you from the tub to the toilet,” Donnie said, he lined up his bandages and butterfly stitches on a towel on the floor. He turned to Mikey, “Remember when I had to give Raph a tetanus shot last year?”

“I remember having to distract him while you poked him,” Mikey said, but it came off with the tone of a question.

Donnie sighed, “Nevermind. Stay with Leo, I know he had one three years ago but… just to be safe.”

He stood up and left, closing the door behind him but Leo’s eyes were stuck on the tub. Mikey sat down on the tub edge obstructing his view.

“How did you get me out of the tub?”

“I didn’t, I was with Raph in-” Mikey frowned, getting off the tub. “Well, uh, when I heard Raph pounding on the door and counting I woke up and came upstairs.”

Mikey looked back at the tub before speaking.

“You were unconscious, Raph was confused because he heard you fall and then you talked to him but Donnie still checked your head over.” Mikey pointed to the door, “I just stood there, watching. Raph and Donnie put you on the floor and dried you off. You had a fever. Donnie and I stayed up all night taking turns trying to get your fever to break.

“Raph carried you to your room. Then in the morning he went to tell Master Splinter you were sick. Master Splinter came in, confirmed you were sick but said there was no need for all of us to watch over you. He tried to tell us you would be fine alone. Donnie argued that your fever was too high to be left alone but Splinter wasn’t backing down. Raph challenged him enough, I kind of blocked it out. Back then I think Splinter kind of knew we were doing something we shouldn’t be doing-”

“It wasn’t something we shouldn’t have been doing, it was the natural result of our circumstances.” Donnie came back with a capped syringe and ushered Mikey to move. He smeared a spot on Leo’s shoulder with rubbing alcohol “You’ve had a tetanus shot before, I’m just going to inject you in the shoulder aaaaand I’m done.”

Leo had barely felt anything, so many other things hurt much worse. He watched Donnie place a tan bandaid over the spot.

“Why are we talking about this?” Donnie asked, resuming his previous position next to Leo’s legs.

Mikey sat back on the edge of the tub, “Leo wanted to know how we got him out of the tub when he came home from… yeah.”

They didn’t want to say rape, Leo didn’t want to hear the word anyways.

“Oh.” Donnie said, pausing and looking at Leo’s ankles. “I really screwed that up. I was too cowardly to stand up to Splinter, I had convinced myself that he had our best intentions in his heart, but looking back he clearly did not… especially not yours, Leo.”

Mikey shifted forward, to touch Donnie’s back. “I didn’t say anything either though. It was Raph who got Splinter to relent, and then he told us to just stay with Leo and he would warn us when Splinter got done meditating.”

“A good thing too because your fever was awful,” Donnie said while wiping antibacterial ointment over the open cuts on Leo’s legs. “Your ankles were bruised on the inside- but I…”

Leo hadn’t even looked at his ankles back then, the pain in his tail was so bad that most of his focus was there. Had he been that sick that they were worried something bad would happen if he was alone?

“How sick was I?” Leo asked.

Donnie held Leo’s foot off the floor, cupping his heel in one hand while wrapping gauze with the other. Tying Leo to the bathroom. “If we were humans, we would have taken you to the hospital.”

Leo moved his tongue around in his mouth, over his teeth. “I…” _ was forced to eat my own shit. _ He hesitated. “If I ate something, or a small amount of something went down my throat, would that make me more sick?”

“Depends on what the something is Leo.”

To distract himself he picked up the tea cup Mikey had placed on the counter and drank. The chamomile and spearmint tea blend was soothing on his raw throat.

Donnie wrapped Leo’s left leg slowly and gently, his hands trembled and behind him on the edge of the tub Mikey was looking down at the floor. “You were forced to eat something?” Donnie asked.

He felt his stomach turn over, he nodded, that was all he could do now that he was imagining it again. He kept his jaw clenched shut.

“Was it something from one of their bodies?” Donnie asked. “Semen?”

Leo shook his head.

“That’s good, uhm, generally speaking ingesting your own semen or blood even isn’t too dangerous. There are exceptions but it’s mostly harmless.” Donnie said, putting Leo’s leg back down. “But it wasn’t semen or blood was it?”

He shook his head, he wanted to ask them not to tell Raph. Something about admitting to Raph that he ate his own shit seemed… no it wasn’t fair to Raph. It just put a whole new horrible twist on every time Raph had told Leo to choke on his own shit.

Well now he had.

He could say from experience that it was awful.

And doing so probably made him sicker than he would have been had he just gone home instead of hiding under that overhang until the storm passed. Which meant he couldn’t blame getting tied to the bed on being sick, because he only got more sick because of what happened on the bed.

“Poop is trickier,” Donnie said. It was possible that Donnie was the only one in the world who could say that with a stone face and compassion.

Leo hadn’t realized he had squeezed his legs together and pushed his arms into himself until Donnie started talking.

“Because while there is a small chance that eating your own waste will cause you to become ill… it’s rare. In humans it can cause problems, in turtles it wouldn’t at all. Seeing as we are mutated turtles if you ingested anything that came from yourself, aside from it being highly unpleasant, there would be no side effects.”

Carefully Donnie took the cup away from Leo, placing it back on the sink, and started to apply ointment to the places where the zip ties had cut into his skin. Pulling his arms away from his body, exposing him.

“You were really sick. The kind of sick humans get from eating their own waste more closely resembles food poisoning. You were ill for weeks. You would have been in really bad shape had you not even gone on that run. You didn’t make yourself sicker by eating anything.” 

There was a pause only filled with the quiet sound of Mikey outlining the tile on the floor with his toes.

“Were you forced to eat something?” Donnie asked.

He wouldn’t tell Donnie what had happened, further proof that he wasn’t over any of that night. That this whole night had only served to get Raph nearly killed. If he had wanted to scare his brothers then he succeeded. He had also set his procedure back. He upset scheduled time off April and Casey took to help them with the days following.

The procedure loomed like a storm cloud still. He clenched his tail to himself harder, not that it moved. It never moved. Still hurt when he tried to move it. He shifted his throbbing sore legs, stinging underneath the bandages.

“Yes.” He said it quietly, voice cracking and raspy. Helped with the hot tea just a little.

Donnie nodded, wrapping Leo’s arms with a tender touch. “Do you want to-”

“No.” Leo choked back the urge to shatter, to tell Donnie about the gag. About almost suffocating.

But…

~o~0~o~

“You must understand, my son.” Master Splinter’s voice was stern, cutting Leo’s protests off. “A team only survives in the hands of a strong leader. I have given you ample time to sort yourself out, it is time we move this disturbance of yours along.”

Leo swallowed again, if he could say goodbye they wouldn’t allow him to leave. He could mouth for help, he knew he still looked sick.

The very idea of leaving had him shaking. As if there was ice being held on his neck.

His Sensei studied him. “You want to be a good role model for them, do you not?”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“Is this the behavior of a good role model?”

“No, Sensei.”

“Then you understand why you must leave?” Master Splinter asked.

He still couldn’t go; he was injured… he was broken.

Master Splinter stayed quiet. “I will not always be here to guide you and your brothers.”

“Hai, Sensei,” Leo breathed to the floor. 

“You will leave tonight and you will come back when you are fit to return, no sooner.” He continued, his eyes never held the same warmth they did during family meditation. Alone his father was colder, meaner. “Your brother’s are in a critical time, they need strong guidance. I cannot give them that guidance if you are here, distracting them with your troubles.”

Leo could not remember the last time his father had been nice to him alone. In front of his brother’s he was a warm spirit… but when Leo came to report on a mission his father would always criticise and pick. Leo’s plans were never good enough, his orders were never perfect like Sensei’s would have been.

Deep down he wondered if Sensei knew of the hotel room, of the horrible vile things Leo had experienced. How he had let his guard down and allowed for such a horrible thing to happen to him.

For a ninja, capture should have been impossible.

“You will leave, tonight. For their own good. Do not allow your own selfishness to keep you here.

“Hai.”

_ Hai. _

  
  


~o~0~o~

Donnie ran his hand over the top of Leo’s head. “Just… let’s give him a moment,” he said to Mikey who was closer now.

It wasn’t a panic attack but it made him want to shrivel up. It was obvious now that his father had sent him away, and while part of him realized being sent away was the wrong thing for his father to do… Another part of Leo knew that he had still failed his family.

“Raph said you weren’t out there to kill yourself,” Donnie said. His hands smelled like antibacterial ointment. “And he said you went to the hotel room to… accept what had happened there.”

Donnie spoke carefully, massaging Leo’s neck gently, trying to work out the lingering knots until he could speak.

Instead Donnie massaged tears out of his eyes. Blood and heat rushed to his already beaten face. He was destined to have a fat lip and bloated cheeks from Eric.

“I failed to do that too,” Leo said, crumbling in on himself and slightly away from Donnie's hands.

Donnie didn’t pull away though, and Mikey sat on the floor and pressed his face to the side of Leo’s thigh, right above his knee.

It wasn’t helping him pack away the tears he didn’t want them to see.

“Do you think it's possible that you went back to the hotel not to make peace with what happened... But instead to make peace with what _ did no_t happen?” Donnie asked.

Leo tried to covertly wipe his face dry, Mikey didn’t fall for it. He balled up some toilet paper and pushed it into Leo’s hands, urging him to use that instead.

Donnie rubbed the top of his shell. “There is no way to be at peace with what you went through.”

_ Ah great Donnie, that’s what I needed to hear _. He cupped his face more, not even bothering with the tissue paper.

He sniffed up snot the best he could before speaking. “I need to meditate on tonight,” he said with an unmistakable stuffiness, trying to stand up but finding his limbs too heavy. The frustration of it was nearly unbearable. It seemed everything he wanted to do wasn’t happening.

His brother’s didn’t help him stand, Donnie took his hand. “Meditation won’t bring you peace either-”

“I know that,” Leo groaned. He gave up trying to get up. “It was just- I’ve been through worse things, I- you have no idea how many times I’ve had a gun pointed at me- I don’t- I don’t- Even tonight- I’m supposed to be able to handle this. I’ve handled everything else!”

He pushed his voice to be as loud as possible but it didn’t rise past a strained raspy talking level. While there was no mental trauma from what happened with Eric on the boat, his body was feeling the physical toll. The only thing that Leo couldn’t scratch out of his head was the split second of relief on Eric’s face before he fell overboard.

Was that actually what happened?

And if it did, why was that glued to his skin more than the tire iron or almost being thrown overboard?

“Leo,” Donnie eased gently. “Come back, please. I’m not mad at you, no one is. This is hardly your fault-”

“But it is my fault!” Leo cut in, shrugging them away through the stiffness that wrapped around his body. “I’ve been through so much, but this won’t leave! It would have been better if they tortured me!”

His voice cracked like if used to when he was twelve, fitting for he sounded like a child throwing a tantrum. Mikey had backed off, staying quiet. Maybe under Donnie’s guidance or just because the situation wasn’t his wheelhouse.

Neither of them would meet his eyes.

Donnie took in a shaky breath. “Leo… they did torture you-”

“It wasn’t torture,” Leo argued. His frustration rose. “They just touched me there, why did it have to be there? I would have told you if it had been anywhere but there-”

He gulped down air and pinched his legs together.

Mikey made an uncertain noise, stepping forward then backing away.

Leo wished he would just hug him.

“The manner in which you were raped was torture,” Donnie said. He sat on the tub edge across from Leo. “We can all say with some amount of hypothetical certainty that if you were tortured without a sexual element you would have sought medical care afterwards. Comparing this to any other experience won’t work, nothing would be applicable. This will take years to process and cope with.”

“I felt dirty,” he gasped out. His chest hurt as badly as his tail did. He couldn’t help but try to clamp it up even though it only caused pain. “I felt dirty in here and-” he placed his hands over his pelvic region and felt sick.

He felt used.

Donnie nodded with understanding. “And that’s to be expected,” he said calmly. “When you are violated in such a private and personal space everything about it just being an injury gets thrown to the wayside. You did not deserve how that day played out.”

“I know,” Leo mouthed, willing himself not to sob.

Donnie waved Mikey closer and then leaned forward to hold Leo’s knees. “What I mean by that is you deserved for us to come save you. When it started raining we should have gone looking but we didn’t. We stayed here. You were not only victimized by The Sabors, you were neglected by Master Splinter and us-”

He shook his head. Mikey came to sit on the floor and. “I’m the leader, I’m not supposed to get-”

_ Raped. _

His face pinched up, a whine started low and horrible in his throat. His brother’s looked at him with sympathy, reaching to take his hands as the first choked cry clawed its way violently from him. Shaking his whole body and blinding him with tears again.

“The Sabors are dead, you cannot make peace with them,” Donnie said, squeezing Leo’s hand tightly with both of his. “Master Splinter is gone, you cannot confront him. We are the ones you have to make peace with.”

He continued to sob, for the first time about not being saved. About Splinter sending him away, and the betrayal he felt and still felt towards the two brothers holding his hands right then and the one asleep on the couch oblivious to the current breakdown.

“And while you make peace with what we did wrong, we will focus on doing the things you need to recover. If you work to get to us, and we work to get to you, we can meet again one day and rebuild this bridge we lost.”

Mikey nodded, holding Leo’s right hand with both of his own he pressed his forehead against his knuckles. He rocked back and forth on the rug.

Leo swallowed and nodded, phlegm filled the back of his throat.

Everything hurt so bad.

“I’m sorry we didn’t save you,” Donnie said, his voice sounding barely better than Leo’s. “I’m sorry.”

Mikey edged closer, “I’m sorry too, Leo.”

His shoulders quaked, throwing him into another fit of sobbing. Both Donnie and Mikey stood up to hold him, to rub his shell and whisper reassurances into the top of his head.

They did that for a long time. Until Leo couldn’t cry anymore, until his sobs were more like dry heaving. Emotional and physical pain drowned him for a long time, zapping the last bit of energy he had before his brother’s gave him some privacy to use the bathroom.

They were back in the second he was done, helping him down the staircase and leading him to the reclined lazy boy in the living room. It looked more like a nest of pillows and blankets though. With reassurances about pain medication and everyone sleeping downstairs he allowed them to ease him down and cover him.

Sleep came moments later, seconds after swallowing some pain medication and closing his eyes. The phantom sensation of Mikey and Donnie kissing him on the forehead was the only thing that followed him into his dreams.

~o~0~o~

At some point while Leo was sleeping like the dead, Mikey or Donnie applied that weighted blanket over him. This was extremely unfair as it made Leo very comfortable right where he was and extremely reluctant to move.

Even more unfair was when someone, likely Donnie, folded back the blankets and listened to his chest with a very cold stethoscope.

Leo grumbled his displeasure. The invader murmured something and fixed the blankets before leaving.

Sleep washed over Leo once again. The lair was filled with the familiar scents of his family, the ambient noise of pipes and water snuggled around him as he dozed in and out.

~o~0~o~

The next time Leo woke up his body was mad about several things. The fact that he hadn’t moved in seventeen hours. The swelling in his face was prominent enough that turning his head and brushing up against the pillows hurt. He hadn’t used the restroom since last night and that uncomfortableness was making itself known.

Given everything Leo felt like a sloshing bag of fluid as he crawled out of the lazy boy. After tending to his immediate needs he would ask Donnie for some pain meds and permission to crawl right back into that chair nest.

Of course Mikey had other ideas, the second Leo was out of the bathroom his little brother was leading him to the kitchen. The room was filled with the pleasant smell of cream of wheat and honey.

“Try to eat something-” 

Mikey couldn’t finish his suggestion before Leo was pulling the bowl closer and eating feverishly. For the first time in a long time food felt good, it was a little hot but that wasn’t going to slow him down.

The sound of grumbled protest didn’t pause Leo’s eating for a second. He had been far too upset and exhausted from the night before to do more than swallow the water needed to take pain medication.

“I got it, I got it.” Raph grumbled sitting down next to Leo. His glare was towards Donnie though. “I don’t need you babying me!”

Donnie raised his hands in mock surrender, eyes hollow with puffy bags under them. Leo guessed his brother would be tired for a while.

All of them would be.

The more time that passed, the clearer his mind. The reality of it slammed into him again clamping his throat closed and slowing his eating. He felt like he was moving through a bowl of hot cereal, slow, lethargic. He took small bites to keep his brothers from questioning him.

Raph’s hand reached over and rested on Leo’s wrist. “You doing okay?” he asked.

Leo nodded once, “Yeah.” His throat was tight.

“So do we look for that guy? Eric Webb now?” Mikey asked sitting down.

The way Donnie and Raph spun their heads around suggested that the youngest wasn’t supposed to mention that with Leo in the room.

Too late to cover up whatever their plans were that day Donnie sighed. “He hasn’t turned his phone back on, and looking through the very blurry CCTV footage at the docks his car hasn’t moved.”

Their eyes drifted to Leo and he looked down at his breakfast instead. In his own selfish pursuit to make peace he inadvertently ripped away his siblings chances at revenge. Eric falling off the boat was not the answer they wanted.

If they even believed him would be another problem entirely.

“Leo…” Donnie said. If his voice was anymore placating he would have shrunk down under the table.

“I only remember Raph saving me,” Leo explained, fiddling with his spoon. Raph’s hand was still on his wrist. There was a subtle and comforting squeeze from his brother as he talked. “And what I remember from Raph saving me isn’t entirely accurate anyways. The cold was worse on me than Eric. There was a monologue I may or may not have encouraged. We struggled at some point… it’s fuzzy.”

Of course they wouldn’t take that, at least Raph wouldn’t. Even if the chains and zip ties evaporated into thin air he still wouldn’t have been able to stand up.

“Sooooo do we need to go into one of the bedrooms to get the actual reason instead of the Fearless Leader one?” Mikey asked, propping his chin up on his arm and raising an eyebrow.

Leo cleared his throat unable to look Mikey in the eye. “I uh… I need to keep it to myself for now.”

“Let’s not follow up the traumatic experience with guilt tripping him into telling us something he’s not ready to,” Donnie cut in. “We already made major progress on that front yesterday.”

Raph and Mikey mouthed something between them, Leo wouldn’t have noticed had Raph not accidentally squeezed his wrist.

Because Raph was still squeezing his wrist, holding him here in the kitchen. All the feelings Leo had when Raph came to his rescue flooded back hard, wrapping around his chest and buzzing under his ribs.

Finally he was home.

~o~0~o~

After brushing his teeth and gingerly washing his face, Leo was herded back to his nest of pillows and blankets and told by his brothers to continue resting. Leo had argued. There were things they needed to go over, he had slept long enough. His resolve to stay awake morphed into claims that he was going to rest his eyes momentarily.

That lasted for all of a minute.

The collection of pills Donnie had Leo swallow after breakfast weren’t just pain killers. Leo knew it, Donnie knew it too, and more importantly they both knew that he was too beaten down to bring it up.

So it was no surprise when he woke up hours later that he was still in a haze. Usually Leo could wake up quickly, but the influence of foreign chemicals made that impossible. Waking up came in waves. Sometimes it was a few sentences from the television that would do it. A new ice pack being draped over his face would have him open his eyes, if only for a moment before he slipped back to sleep.

The sound of an air pump and a hushed argument made him turn his head but didn’t really wake him up.

When he truly did wake up, the clock on the cable box said it was seven in the evening. The TV was on the local news and muted. The lights in the lair were off. Their sleep patterns would be completely off for the next few days Leo guessed. He yawned and it hurt his face, pulling the tender flesh taught.

The next few days would be sore.

Raph was back on the couch with the remote in his hand, he didn’t look to be in any pain. His chest looked fine but the memory of him being shot still made Leo grimace, his guilt wasn’t dampened yet. On the floor between the couch and the lazy boy there was a standard sized air mattress where Donnie and Mikey had crashed. Leo smiled at his little siblings tucked close together and asleep, Mikey’s chin rested on the top of Donnie’s head. The same position that Mikey took with Leo the night he admitted to the hotel room. A blanket was tucked around them, judging by how smooth and neat the blanket was Raph had done that.

He adjusted his weighted blanket and stretched. Limbs sore from bruising and inactivity.

“You need anything?” Raph asked, scrambling to turn the channel to something else

Leo pointed at the TV and ignored the motion blur around his arm, he wanted to know if there were any reports of bodies floating to shore. “Can-”

“Food- I’ll get us food- snacks! Wha’ do you want Leo, applesauce?” Mikey slurred almost drunkenly as he crawled out of the bed on the floor. “I’ll get you applesauce,” he affirmed.

After unintentionally summoning his brother to push apple sauce on him, Leo almost considered faking sleep. They hadn’t woken him for any meal after breakfast. Or maybe they did and he didn’t remember. Judging by how funny he felt he couldn’t really trust his memory.

“It was on the five o’clock news, a body was found in the water a few miles from a speed boat owned by Eric Webb,” Donnie said as he untangled the blankets and got up. He walked to the wall first to flip on the lights. Raph groaned and put his pillow over his head while Donnie took away Leo’s ice pack to look at his face. “You may have a hairline fracture somewhere. I palpitated the area and couldn’t feel anything, the swelling is going down.”

Donnie squished the gel matrix of the ice pack around before setting it gently back over Leo’s face on the worst of the swelling. Now cool again Leo relaxed into it and closed his eyes. “Is Eric dead?” he mumbled.

He wanted to be sure.

“The body they found matched his description. I’m guessing it will be a few days before they release his name.” Donnie adjusted Leo’s blankets further up around him, smoothing it over his chest. His hands lingered on Leo longer than they needed. He went over the same spots multiple times.

“Hey,” Leo mumbled. “It’s okay, I’m okay.”

His brother gave him a doubtful look.

Well, he was okay if they left off the suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, broken tail, horrible depression… the reassuring smile he was trying to give Donnie slipped away. He shifted to free his arms so he could take Donnie’s.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he amended. He tried to squeeze his brother’s hands but his fingers were stiff and didn’t curl all the way. His hand simply twitched against the other turtle’s wrists.

Donnie stared at him, not convinced by this. As if Leo had a long track record of running away when things become too stressful.

“Yeah you aren’t,” Mikey said with the entire snack cupboard in his arms and one very large bowl of applesauce that he handed over to Leo. “And if you do Donnie will find you, again.”

Mikey then chucked a bag of Ruffles at Raph’s shell before dropping the rest of the snack on the mattress.

“Hey how did you find Leo so fast?” Mikey asked, giving Donnie a curious look.

On the couch Raph removed his pillow from his head to look at the suddenly very quiet turtle that was hyper fixated on smoothing the blankets over Leo’s chest. “Yeah how did you know exactly where Leo was?” Raph asked, squinting.

Leo frowned too, for the first time he actually started questioning the circumstances. How did Raph even locate him at night in such a vast space. “You knew I was in the ocean?” he asked.

“Well yes, how else would Raph have found you?” Donnie said, now avoiding everyone and looking around at their home. “I directed him over the phone until we lost signal.”

“Yeah but how did you know where he was, like… exactly where he was?” Mikey pressed.

“I-might-have-put-a-micro-chip-in-him,” Donnie mumbled into his closed fist.

The bag of Ruffles fell to the floor. Yellow chips skidded across the hard cement. “Wait what did you say?” their owner asked.

“You put a tracker in Leo!?” Mikey yelled while crouching down to eat the chips off the floor. Leo didn’t know what to handle first. His brother was eating chips off the floor and his other brother put a tracker in him. One of those was really bad.

Donnie grimaced at Mikey. “Don’t eat food off the floor, Mikey! You know Raph didn’t sweep.”

“Hey!”

“Hey yourself, Raph!” Donnie rounded on his brother. “It’s a good thing I did put that tracker in him or else he wouldn’t be here right now! So don’t act like what I did was uncalled for or delusional! I’m not losing him again!”

They all stared at Donnie who was now standing before them with his fist clenched, his breathing harsh. Most terrifying of all was the way he was looking at them, like they were mad at him. Really Leo was surprised more than anything. A little freaked out, but it wasn’t the end of the world.

_ Not like Mikey eating Ruffles off the floor. _

“Okay…” Raph said, “I’m gonna ignore what Leo just mumbled because I think all those pain meds and sedative are catching up-”

_ I knew one of those wasn’t a pain killer. _

“-but dude… a fucking tracker? Just because Splinter sent him away?”

“And I thought I had abandonment issues,” Mikey said, shoveling floor chips in his mouth like popcorn. “Welp Leo, I guess you’re never getting away from Donnie at least.”

He chewed on that, the idea that even if he ran it would be useless. Donnie had essentially tied them together at least physically. No wonder his suicidal thoughts have scared Donnie so much. He stirred his bowl of applesauce and took a bite as one does when drugged and faced with such startling news.

Donnie laughed at Mikey’s statement. “None of you are getting away from me,” he said, lowering his voice.

“What?” Raph and Mikey both asked.

“I'm not losing any of you again again!” Donnie screamed shrilly.

He was holding Leo’s shoulder now, digging his fingers in like someone was going to reach down and pluck him out of their lives again. Maybe that was how Donnie felt, maybe that was how they all felt. Leo only learned recently that they were actually upset when he left. For so long he had just thought about himself and what he felt.

Leo stared thoughtfully at his brother. This was definitely something he would want to talk about when he had a clearer head. For now it appeared Donnie was trying to calm himself.

He removed his hand from Leo's shoulder and took a deep breath. “Master Splinter sent one of us away. It didn't matter that Leo was suffering from some unknown affliction, Master Splinter sent him away.” He said in a dark, and somewhat condescending tone. “Do you not understand that? What was I to think? If Master Splinter could send Leo away one day he might send Raph away the next. He could send Mikey away too. Did you two just sit there and think oh it won't happen again? Splinter won't send one of us away like Leo. F-fuck!” he stammered.

Leo put down his spoon and traded his applesauce bowl to the other hand so he could grip Donnie’s. He gave Leo a small squeeze back, his whole body was tense.

“It took me two months to get safe working trackers, and not ones that would just stick on your shells. I needed something permanent. And let me make it clear that they are permanent and I never asked because you would never have agreed!” he scolded both Mikey and Raph.

The former only reacted by staring open mouthed at Donnie while his hands blindly felt around for more savory floor Ruffles.

“Damn right we'd never agree to-” Raph stopped short and frowned hard. “Wait, you had trackers in us two months after Leo left?”

Mikey gasped, putting the pieces together. “I knew that request to let you bite my ass was suspicious!”

Well, maybe not the same pieces Raph had.

“You knew this whole time I was The Nightwatcher!?”

“Yes,” Donnie confessed. “I couldn't say anything without revealing the tracker though. That does not mean I agreed with what you were doing. I also feared you would be sent away like Leo if Splinter caught wind of your vigilantism.”

“Why would Splinter send Raph away for that?” Leo wondered.

Donnie looked at him like it was obvious but then softened his face. “At the time we had no idea what you did to get sent away. On our end it appeared you were very ill, I was thinking maybe you had Crohn’s Disease or Celiacs. If you were sent away for something out of your control like a chronic illness I feared what Splinter would do if Raph was purposefully going against his orders.”

“When a turtle says he's biting you ass you trust him. You have betrayed my trust!” Mikey said.

Joking or not, Donnie was at his breaking point. He ripped his hand out of Leo’s and stomped up to Mikey towering over him and his Ruffles. “You can be mad!” he yelled, Mikey winced and shrunk down. “All of you can be mad!” he screamed as Raph came to put some space between the two. “But I am never losing any of you! I had nightmares for weeks! Part of me thought maybe Leo had committed suicide and Splinter was pulling the _ "your brother went away to live on a farm" _ card!”

Leo felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“Holy shit,” Raph said quietly, cupping the back of Donnie’s neck with one hand and holding the top of Mikey’s with the other.

“Dude,” Mikey added, voice full of hurt as he fought Raph’s hand to stand up.

Donnie turned away from them and Leo caught a glimpse of his face as he walked by, his lips trembling as he mouthed something silently. “You guys didn't need to know, you didn't need to know, I lost my chance to talk to Leo and when he came back I didn't know how to talk to him.” He whimpered in the back of his throat.

Knowing that noise, that soft cry for help that seemed to call upon some paternal instinct he had for all of his younger siblings, Leo was jolted into action. It didn’t matter what preceded the noise, an argument, a broken irreplaceable possession. Leo was scrambling to find a safe place to put his applesauce so he could promptly stop Donnie from making that heart breaking noise.

“And that destroyed me,” Donnie choked. “And then just the thought of you two leaving too, I had to, I had to. I would stay up at night on my laptop just looking at your t-two dots. I would watch Raph's Nightwatcher activities, I would watch Mikey drive to his jobs. I needed to know I needed to know!” he dropped to the ground on his hands and knees and bent forward, pressing his head into the floor.

They could not stand to watch their brother perform dogeza, there was something deeply disturbing about Donnie doing that to anyone but Master Splinter. It was an act that even as leader, Leo would be uncomfortable with.

“Come here little brother,” Leo said, coming over to stand on his knees next to Donnie, lifting his head from the floor. “Come here, stop this at once.”

Even though the words were towards Donnie, Leo soon had Mikey and Raph hesitating to interact nearby and looking to him for how to help.

Donnie choked out again in a broken high sob that Leo hushed. He was determined to stay in dogeza with his face on the floor. Leo hugged him from above and gestured for Raph and Mikey to do the same. The best they could do now would be to refuse Donnie’s apology. It wasn’t warranted, as far as Leo was concerned it was Master Splinter’s fault Donnie was pushed to such extremes.

“It's okay I'm not mad,” Leo soothed, running his hands over Donnie’s shell while Mikey got down on the floor to say something into the sobbing turtle’s ear. “Can someone grab him some water?”

Raph stood up to get some water while Leo and Mikey used more force than before to coax Donnie into seiza. At least this way they could have a conversation as equals. Leo hugged Donnie to his chest while Mikey dabbed his face dry with tissues. Donnie held onto Leo’s arms lightly, but leaned against him while gulping air.

They urged him to breathe deeply, Raph helped him drink water. Mikey kept drying tears and holding his hand. Leo reassured Donnie over and over again that none of them were ever leaving again, he knew how important it was to be reassured of those things. Irrational fears and paranoia do not care about the things that go without saying.

Leo could tell that Donnie’s wasn’t the only one calmed by the reassurances, and that was fine. There were some abandonment issues deeply rooted in their family now, but they were ones that would diminish over time.

“None of us will leave,” Leo hummed, barely articulating now as he had said it fifty times over.

“You’re stuck with us,” Raph added, pressing the water glass to Donnie’s lips again.

Mikey nuzzled his face into Donnie’s shell. “Yeah, sucker.” He then frowned, “Wait…”

Donnie laughed a little at that, still trembling but not crying. Leo hated to see any of them cry.

“We're all right here Donnie,” Leo said, squeezing him tighter. He didn’t want to rush the process but standing on his knees with no padding was beginning to hurt.

Donnie nodded, “I think I had a panic attack just now.”

“And that’s okay,” Leo said. Mikey and Raph nodded and hummed their approval of Donnie’s panic attack.

“We just going to let this slide though?” Raph asked, while they were still calming Donnie. None of them willing to make a move to stop this until Donnie did. “He put trackers in us…”

Leo closed his eyes and rested his head on top of Donnie’s. So grateful to be home with all of them.

“It's a little creepy, but it's also kind of cute,” Mikey said, cupping Donnie’s face.

Raph scrunched his snout up, “How is it cute?” he asked.

“I dunno, we must be pretty special if he's having a breakdown over us,” Mikey said in a gushy voice. “We should get him back for it though. Like, no crime goes unpunished.”

Donnie turned his head away and huffed. “What're you going to do, spank me?” he asked.

“Maybe we will!” Mikey asserted, Raph nodded.

“Oh no, anything but that,” Donnie said dryly.

A little more reassuring later and after their snacks were consumed, they tested out the limitations of the air mattress. Leo ended up sandwiched in a nest of brother’s between Mikey and Donnie. Raph remained on the couch with his hand hanging down to rub Donnie's shoulder. There were murmurs about the trackers, and Donnie promised to show them how to use the trackers to find each other if they needed to.

It was a good enough compromise.

The following day on the morning news Eric’s name was released as the drowning victim who was recovered the previous day.

~o~0~o~

Nervous hands fiddled with the IV, adjusting it again. Leo watched his brother run through his checklist, mumbling to himself as he made sure his tray of tools was ready. He fidgeted with the table placement.

His brother was stalling for time.

“Donnie, is there something wrong?” Leo asked.

“Hmmm?” Donnie asked, “No, no, just… no everything is fine. I have everything. I’m just... You sure you don’t want Mikey or Raph with you?”

“I’ll be fine,” Leo said.

A day prior to the procedure Leo laid out who he wanted in the room with him, he decided on being alone during the procedure and then taking visitors once the worst of the sedative wore off. He expected to be loopy as hell but that only spared him from being aware of what Donnie was doing to his tail. He didn’t want Mikey or Raph to suffer the noise of his tail breaking.

The operation table was the same table Leo had been examined on. A curtain was put up to divide his top half from his lower half. His legs were in the stirrups, he had resigned himself to this and the coming days of bed rest. He was at ease with Donnie’s touch, and would swallow his pride over the bathroom situation knowing the benefits were worth it.

His heart was still racing, but only because he was naked and had his legs spread. Otherwise the reminder that it was Donnie he was here with kept him from backing out.

He watched his brother prepare a syringe and line it up with his IV port. Leo held his hand out to stop him. There was something that needed to be said.

“Donnie, look at me.”

What met him were brown, sad eyes. His brother’s nerves were making him nervous by association but he refused to show it.

“You are an amazing doctor.” His brother looked away and pursed his lips, a rebuttal building behind his teeth. “You really are. All the things you have done for us over the years. Anytime we’ve been sick or had broken bones, you’ve always known exactly what to do. Whenever we drag someone home battered up my relief doesn’t come when I see you’ve patched them up. It hits me the second we get them in this room and you start working. I can breathe knowing they are in really good hands.”

Donnie shook his head, “There’s a difference between setting a bone and breaking one. I guess it is only just now occurring to me that I will be breaking your tailbone… I… that feels so wrong to do. I know I need to, but it feels so wrong.”

Of course Leo did not envy his brother’s position, breaking a bone on purpose when someone was unconscious or unable to even put up a defense was dishonorable. This was different and Donnie needed to be reminded.

“I can’t go to the bathroom normally, I can’t have an erection, and it hurts like hell to move my tail.” Donnie nodded as Leo spoke. “You are not breaking my tail, you are correcting my tail with my express consent. I have no delusions about everything returning to normal, but I do trust you. And I trust when you say fixing my tail will give me a better quality of life than I have right now.”

Donnie shook his head. “All things considered, you would think I would be the one calming your nerves right now.”

“I’m counting on whatever is in that syringe to do that,” Leo said, folding his hand together and resting them over his chest. “You are going to do just fine. I just need to lay here.”

Inhaling deeply, Donnie plunged the contents of the syringe into Leo. “I love you, I’ll talk to you in a few minutes.”

Leo nodded, slurred his own love and didn’t remember anything that followed until Donnie talked to him a second later saying everything went smoothly.

~o~0~o~

“Ya said ya would tell me, but ya keep not telling me.” Raph nudged him in the shoulder. They were on top of a building near their home, but it was a tall building with a good view of the sunrise. A good ending to a night of perhaps a little vigilantism that neither Donnie nor Mikey needed to find out about.

Leo hummed and tapped the edge of his mostly full beer can. It took Raph a long time to convince him to have a beer, and it felt weird to drink on an empty stomach while watching the sunrise. But they couldn’t return the six pack those teenagers stole anyways and Raph argued he couldn’t let it go to waste.

Leo agreed saying they could both have one and Raph could have the others at home, where it was safe to do so.

It didn’t really count as a quote unquote “date,” but it was some bonding time just for the two of them. It was nice in its own way. They could have headed back hours ago but for whatever reason they didn’t.

Likely because Raph really wanted to know what happened to Eric and didn’t believe Leo’s claims about being too fuzzy to remember.

“I did,” Leo agreed. “But whatever you think happened would be far more satisfying than what actually did.” He focused more on the beer can and his arms, the scars were long faded now. The zip ties were a distant memory, so was that night on the boat.

“Hearing how that sick fuck died for real would be the most satisfying thing Leo, hands down.” Raph placed his hand on Leo’s shoulder and squeezed. “No shame in whatever you did to him, right?”

Leo suppressed the urge to laugh. He had found Eric’s death strangely fitting, Raph wouldn’t because it involved significantly less blood and Leo didn’t actually kill him.

Fate just struck.

“Mid-sentence, something about I really don’t remember now… he just stumbled and fell over the edge of the boat,” Leo said, creasing his brow and letting his hand drop back to his side.

No, it hadn’t sounded better saying it out loud.

Raph was dumbfounded, “You’re joking.”

Leo shook his head.

“No, no, you gotta be joking, no way he just-” Raph made a gesture that Leo didn’t even bother looking at. “That’s not… how is that fair?”

“I waited for a while after it happened. I thought he would crawl back on the boat,” Leo said, remembering the terrible feeling of an uncertain death stranded on that boat. It never caused nightmares but… he was grateful his brother’s still took their turns sleeping with him. “Thought the universe was playing a joke on me.”

Raph shook his head, “That sucks Leo, I’m sorry-”

“No,” Leo said softly, shaking his head. “It was good, it being a joke is good.”

“How can that be good?” Raph asked.

Leo paused, his reasoning was fragile and it made him feel okay about the situation. It made him feel okay about the rape, not that being raped was okay at all… but it felt like he could be okay with moving on.

“Eric Webb walked around on that speedboat like he was born on a ship, Raph. That water was hard and the boat was going up and down. The last person in the world to fall overboard would be someone like that but it still happened. And that night that…” Raph took his hand and squeezed it knowing the next words without Leo having to say them.

Donnie had said it was important to say it anyways though, to validate it, and he was right. 

“That night I was raped, I really was the last person in the world it should have happened to… and it still did.” Leo said shrugging now, feeling himself tense and waiting for Raph to tear it all down or say something. Even though his support had been through the roof. “So when it happened to Eric, when he was talking about killing me one second and gone the next… it just put things into perspective.”

Leo looked down at the street below swallowing when he felt Raph’s hand rest on his carapace, rubbing him gently and not saying anything for a moment.

“Is it weird that seeing him go like that gave me closure?” Leo asked, his voice quiet but Raph would hear him despite it.

Raph shook his head. “Nah, no man.” He pulled Leo closer, wrapping his arm around Leo’s shoulders. “Still wish I could’ve smashed his face in or somethin’ but I’ll trade that if you got something out of watching him fall out of a boat.”

“I got more out of that then lying in bed.”

“Then… it was good,” Raph said.

Leo smiled looking away, he had come a long way since those dark days. Since then his tail had been fixed, he hadn’t purged, he still had some rough times with certain subjects whenever they cropped up but his brothers were there.

They were always willing to listen if he needed it.

One day he would open up more about what happened, when he was ready. He was done forcing himself to be ready though. Everyday was about moving forward and when he did look back he tried to give himself a little more credit.

He couldn’t be expected to always keep his footing and never stumble.

Raph stood up, “Come on Jungle Boy. You ready, tonight is the night. And I told Mikey I would make you work up an appetite.”

Leo smirked and held up his beer can, “I don’t know, you filled me up on alcohol.”

Raph took the can from Leo and started chugging it which prompted Leo to try to snatch it from him. Raph kept holding him back with his arm as they walked across the roof.

“I thought we agreed on one,” Leo growled, not really giving his all into the fight.

“I was just finishing yours for ya, wouldn’t want ya to spoil your appetite,” Raph snorted.

Leo huffed and grumbled under his breath, “Fine.”

Raph shook the last drops of the beer out onto the roof before storing the empty can away to get his ten cent return on later. “I’m just being… What does Donnie call it? A positive influence.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Leo said, shaking his head as they hopped down the fire escape. “Real glad I have you to drink my beer.”

“You don’t even like the stuff.”

“I’m more so complaining about the principle of it.”

“Well,” Raph said as they approached the manhole cover. “You ready?”

Leo looped his finger into the holes and lifted the manhole cover Raph pulled it to the side and went down first.

“To eat solid food for the first time in years?” he asked while putting the manhole cover back in place above his head. “No.”

Raph waited for him at the bottom of the metal ladder. “But…” he goaded.

“But…” Leo said, “I know you three will accept nothing less from me.”

“That’s the spirit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Reader: [kalachelone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalachelone/pseuds/kalachelone)


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